Everyone loves a story about poo.
I was taken by a new girlfriend to meet her parents at a drinks party they were having.

Picture a pristine 3 bed semi in Bishops Stortford. The parents were also pristine, father with immaculately groomed hair and an Aaran sweater, mother with painted nails and orange skin.

My girlfriend left me with a piece of advice, "Do not, under any circumstances, untidy or mess up the house".
I chatted to the parents, then to some other guests who turned out to be family members, before deciding I needed to answer a call of nature.

I was shown to the upstairs bathroom, (I can only assume they didnt pass solids into the downstairs one), and settled down to release a few overdue chocolate hostages.

My first mistake was not checking to see if there was enough toilet paper.

My second mistake was deciding that the handtowel would suffice to remove the detritus from my barking spider instead.

My third mistake was panicking as to what to do with a handtowel liberally smeared in offensively smelling excretia.

I was faced with the choice of flushing it... well that would've blocked the loo and drawn more attention to my plight, or...

I elected to throw it out of the open window.
Peering out I could see some bushes by the garage and I estimated I could propel it with enough force for it to drop in behind there unnoticed.

I recoiled my arm and launched it out of the window.

Picture the scene, dear reader - you are standing in the garden, enjoying a story being regaled to you by the elegantly turned out hostess, when a handtowel covered in what turns out to be, on closer examination, moist shit, hits her in the side of the head, leaving foul smelling skidmarks on her cheek and expensive dress.

I ran from the house fearing the worst; oddly I never heard from that girlfriend again, even though it was her mother - and not the house- that I had inevitably messed up.
(Vic Flange, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 9:03, 13 replies)

i think i've heard this one before
and, given that I live in Harlow, it's very likely that it was actually about you!

/me is at work on Bridge Street
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 9:28, closed)

Assuming this story is true (because it sounds like utter bollocks)
Why didn't you just hang your arse over the sink and wash it out? Or pull your kecks up and waddle downstairs to have a quiet word with your g/f about the need for TP. Why on earth would you use a hand towel to wipe your arse?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 9:52, closed)

Colonel Dracula
Why do you care?
Can you not just read a story and appreciate it's comedic value?
(Vic Flange, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 9:58, closed)

Eh Jim!
They just haven't got the measure of you yet.
( girlinthehole, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 10:12, closed)

Why I care.
I love a good anecdote. What makes an anecdote funny is that it actually happened, therefore it could happen to any of us. I laughed like a loon when I first read your tale of a wanking tramp ruining your first date, I also laughed at the story of the disgruntled nurse you pebble-dashed with poo by mistake. However, reading the above chain of unlikely events strips the credibility of all your other QOTW entries, and they stop being hilarious anecdotes and just become slapstick fiction.

I understand that it is of no great importance, the world will not end; people will not die. It just means that from now on I will read your QOTW entries with cynicism.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 10:51, closed)

!
The legless is dead. Long live the lunar legless.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 11:44, closed)

Legless isn't dead
he's just sleeping.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 12:30, closed)

Sleeping!
There can be no sleeping in the dog-eat-dog world of competitive anecdote-relating.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 13:57, closed)

What a co-incidence.
I dined hugely on a dog at lunchtime.
Damned Chinese restaurants and their incomprehensible menus.
(Vic Flange, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 14:49, closed)

i think we have
A Winner
( olivier8 (euroloon), Wed 31 Oct 2007, 15:34, closed)

Next time
Use your hand and a receptacle full of water.

Really, it's not all that bad. Just wash your hand afterwards.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 16:22, closed)

!
I would have preferred this story if the vicar had come round for tea, and the shock of the hand towel flying out of the window caused his trousers to fall down. And a lady from the Womens Insitute fainted.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 16:29, closed)

It's good...
But it should contain the phrase 'Once upon a time'

Maybe not 'They lived happily ever after' though...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 18:35, closed)