Waiter! Fetch me my marigolds!!
A pearoast, but with an updated ending.....


Barcelona, we working there for a week in a really posh hotel (World Trade Centre). So posh we couldn’t afford to eat there - €38 for a club sandwich!! Jumping into a taxi hailed by the doorman, we arrived at a restaurant he had apparently recommended.

There were plenty of locals there, seemed like a nice place, and the menu was reasonable. The 4 of us chose a meal and a beer for about €10 each. The waiter slithered over and asked if we wanted a starter. Maybe some Tapas?

Well, whaddaya reckon chaps? Yeah, OK, that would be nice, great!

Duly, the plates of Tapas arrived, some zingy little sausages, some wonderful thin ham, some fucking huge juicy prawns, and some crayfish type of things.
Well, 2 of the guys were having none of that seafood muck, if it’s not out of a tin they don’t want to know. Fine by me, the Tapas was wonderful, though the problem with those prawns is that there’s not that much flesh in them for the size. You throw most of the things away.

So, we finished up, had our €10 Paellas and called for the bill. Should be, oh, €20 each, absolute maximum, surely? Well, as I’m sure you are all well ahead of me here, the bill arrived and the boss looked, jumped, looked again, then went white.

Now it’s standard practice in my crew to snap our fingers and call for our Marigolds at the end of a meal out, we’ll wash up because we can’t meet the bill. Oh, ha ha, very funny. This time, however, we were thinking it for real.

Total bill €286, thanks to the fucking Tapas, which was starting to make me feel distinctly sick. Luckily a credit card was produced and we were able to leave in one piece.

As I left though, I approached a rowdy group of about 30 English lads sitting on the other side of the restaurant, obviously on a stag do, or maybe even football fans. Very pissed and barely under control.

“Listen lads, we’ve just had our pants pulled down over there, don’t let these cunts put ANYTHING down on the table unless you know exactly how much it costs.”
“What, you mean like this Tapas shit, these zingy sausages etc.”
“Yep, that’s the stuff, I hope you have plenty of cash with you. Enjoy your meal……..”

It did give me immense pleasure that the last thing I saw as I turned at the door was the sight of several lads standing on the table, and the first chair sailing through the air towards the huge fishtank as the roar of a drunken brawl just kicking off built up.

I hope they wrecked the place!

Since I posted the original tale, I have been back to Barcelona as part of a 28 man crew on a large production. Going out to eat one night, we found ourselves at the Marina, and the waiters were all keen to get us into their eateries, offering free wine etc. The boss (the same geezer who coughed up when we were stitched up) allowed the waiter to seat every one of us in that very same restaurant, take our orders, and lay out the wine........at which point he stood us up and marched everyone out and into a place further on, taking great pleasure in telling the bewildered staff that he had been ripped off there before, so fuck 'em. The looks on their faces were priceless, well, €286 anyway.
(Rsoles, Thu 13 May 2010, 21:17, 12 replies)

and that is why
you don't eat in the tourist places.

If you eat on La Rambla or the restaurants on the seafront, quite frankly, you deserve what you get.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 13 May 2010, 21:49, closed)

steady on there!
we're all tourists sometimes...
often depends if you you know a place or not is all...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 13 May 2010, 22:19, closed)

maybe so
but 90% of the guides warn against eating on La Ramblas or the seafront - you'd be just as well bedning over and pulling down your keks.

On the other hand, just 5 minutes from La Rambla is a marvellous restaurant that I will recommend to anyone visiting - nice Italian place where you can get 3 course meal, bottle of wine, beers and drinks for 4 for 100€
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 13 May 2010, 22:44, closed)

Given the choice....
I'd not eat in Barcelona, full stop, the place is a shithouse. What really pissed us off was the fact that we'd allowed the concierge to send us to this particular place. Ordinarily, yes, that's leaving yourself open to be shafted, but he knew we weren't the usual hotel clientele, that we were only in there working, that we were "ordinary" people. After a long day at work, we didn't need to fuck around looking for somewhere, we just needed food (but not 38Euro club sandwiches) without fuss.

The problem is going with other people, I'm very sharp myself, have been round the world without (major) incident, but when with others I allow them to get me stitched up. Some of the crew on the last trip insisted on going to a titty bar in Barcelona, and I was obliged to go with them, even though I protested most strongly. Of course they got totally taken for a ride, as others have described in this QOTW, without getting anything. I paid to get in, had my free drink but resolutely refused to buy any hostess a drink, I was Mr Antisocial. I'd have rather gone to a brothel, we could have all got laid for a fraction of the price they paid for their glasses of Tizer, happy days, but my colleagues must have subconsciously WANTED to get stitched up, what other outcome would there be in a titty bar in any big city?

When abroad alone, I cannot let myself trust any waiter, for instance when they offer bread I always ask how much it costs. Often they look at me like I'm a miser, tell me it's included (of course!), and I feel foolish.
But I also know that when you are a long way from home, alone, if someone smiles and is pleasant to you, 2 times out of 3 it's because they are about to attempt to relieve you of your money. Sad, because that other time, they are just being a good human being, there are plenty of honest people about.

Back to Barcelona, I did have my revenge, got absolutely clattered somewhere off Las Ramblas, "partied" with 2 lovely Romanian girls and then staggered back to the hotel, so pissed that even the African hookers left me alone. (Yes, THAT pissed)
I then spewed from my top floor room balcony down into the piazza where a Vogue commercial was being shot in the morning.
"I love the smell of vomit in the morning, it smells like victory"
(Rsoles, Fri 14 May 2010, 2:52, closed)

I must say
You sound like a right charmer.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sat 15 May 2010, 8:12, closed)

That would be Hotel Grand Marina
I've stayed there. Me and the wife went for our anniversary and we spunked up loads for the privilidge. It was so posh that the bar staff would not allow my pissed up wife to carry her own (last) bottle of wine to our room. We had to be accompanied by a bottle carrying waiter.

I beleive it's a 5 Star Plus, and we had a suite. The bathroom was something else. So huge in fact that I could have quite happliy sat there all weekend just in the bathroom admiring the mirrors, chrome and dark wood surroundings.

We did eat in the restaurant, it was very good. We agreed though not to care about the bill and just stick it on the Diner's Card and let the direct debit take care of it a month later.

We had our share of cocktails and shit. Not that impressed with Barcelona as a whole, but I still remember my time in that hotel as I sit in my stolen hotel robe, with my stolen towel, flicking ash into my stolen ash tray.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:15, closed)

Yep, that's the one.
I must say the marble floors in the rooms are simply divine for sprawling on whilst recovering from a monumental piss-up, they are wonderfully cool. Unfortunately, housekeeping don't see it that way and will persist in opening your door when they see you lying there, buck naked, surrounded by pools of barf. After the 3rd time, I actually had to lift my head up and tell them to fuck off, which in actual fact reassured them that I wasn't dead. Boy, did I feel dead though.....

Oh, and the breakfast buffet in that hotel was the best I have ever seen, kinda knocks the £6.99 Travel-lodge into touch.
(Rsoles, Fri 14 May 2010, 23:48, closed)

I've stayed there too
However, the company paid for everything, which made it even better :-)
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 17 May 2010, 16:48, closed)

Really have to be careful with places in tourist spots.
We went to a bar, sat us down, and the waiter through a basket of bread on the table.
"Ahh yes this is so you nibble and get more thirsty so you order more drinks" we all think.

Nope, its that plus 7 euros! 7 euros for a bit of bread! i mean come on!

In Ronda I once had a "Terrace Charge" of 5 euros added to the bill because we decided to sit on plastic chairs on the pavement outside rather than inside?? Sorry but spain is all about eating outside. So i complained at that and said there was no sign about it.

Another bar, and I will name and shame this one for being utter wankers was the Buddah Bar in Marbella centre. Really nice inside being a Buddah place. We order some drinks. Theyre 6 euros each. yeah fair enough its nice we just go for one. Half way through our drinks the guys came round and swapped the menus. Suddenly 6 euro drinks were 10 euro drinks.. ok price goes up after 11. We go to settle the bill, oh and suprise suprise they charge us the highe ramount. I said err no we ordered before you changed the menus. Then suddenly they dont speak english anymore. He just stood there like a gormless twat with a smirk on his face and i nearly laid him out there and then. Coz they knew. I put the exact money down for the original price and said, call the policia if you want. And then said, oh by the way Im not a tourist I work for a big company int his town and I was going to organise a big night out here.. not now. you just fucked that one up. I hope he understood.


In Spain go find your local poligino. (Industrial Estate) and find a nice local spanish tapas bar there. Literally 200m from the sea front bars and suddenly Tapas are €1 rather than €3 and its better stuff.
(Miggyman, Fri 14 May 2010, 15:54, closed)

38Euro club sandwiches?
*whistles*
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 14 May 2010, 18:20, closed)

Hmmmm
we told them they could fucking whistle for €38 too.
(Rsoles, Fri 14 May 2010, 23:51, closed)

beware too the taxi from the airport
Picked up a friend from Damascus Airport and, at the cabbie's advice took her up to a ridge above the city to hear the call to prayer and watch the sunset.

Heavily muscled gun carrying men tried to charge us nearly £300 for two tins of awful lager and a bowl of fruit.

after a stand up shouting row, where a knife was drawn, I negotiated them down to £20 (which is a month's pay to a Damascus taxi driver) and bravely left (albeit shaking and smelling of wee).
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Sun 16 May 2010, 16:27, closed)