chemical sisters
chemistry was the bane of my life at school. i thought i would be mixing glowing jewel coloured liquids into beautiful, magical potions. instead, it was a grind of mathematical equations and lessons in which i actually saw the clock moving backwards.

my friend zara and i were so bad at chemistry that the teacher mr bruce (“wiggy”) had pretty much given up on us. on one occasion, he even put a bin over his head rather than talk to us when we approached his desk.

two particular experiments stand out of the years of gcse torture. the first was the chocolate chip cookie experiment, which many of you may have done yourselves – you had to work out three different ways to extract the chocolate from the cookie. now, even zara and i could cope with heating the cookie until the chocolate melted or breaking it into pieces and pulling out the chocolatey goodness. that’s not chemistry, that’s cooking and it’s how girls eat cookies. but the third, chemical way? this was so, so far over our heads, there were planes on their way to manchester airport that were nearer.

bored and desperate, we snapped the cookie in half and ate it. problem solved.

until wiggy found out. he came around with the cookie box, looking to collect the abused biscuits from every lab pair. when he got to us, we could only flush and stammer. and laugh. a lot. wiggy rocked disbelievingly back and forth on his heels, in his labcoat that his wife had clearly made from a spare bedsheet, and peered at us from beneath his toupee. then he shrugged, remembering it was rswipe and zara, and as such, we were utterly beyond salvage.

“this is the last period of the day,” he said, turning on his heel. “five other gcse classes have done experiments with those cookies already today…”

we spent the next week scrubbing our tongues.

the second experiment was even more embarrassing. i can’t remember what we were doing, but we had to heat some white shit up in a test tube and do some calculations. then we had to write our results in a table on the blackboard. whatever the measurements were, ours was about 800 whereas everyone else’s was 1,700ish. damn. foiled again. we were used to it, and didn’t give a fuck. until wiggy looked up from his desk and checked out the table.

“whose is that result?” he said heavily. his eyes were on me and zara before we could admit it, and he shook his head slowly.

“the best scientists in the world, working with the top equipment, can only estimate that 800 is the right answer. it is impossible to achieve that result with a test tube and a bunsen burner. what the hell have you done?”

the really really worrying thing about all this is that both zara and i got an a at gcse. just how low is the exam standard in this country, exactly???
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 15:31, 7 replies)

Ah,
heating white shit up in a test tube. If I had a penny...
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 15:43, closed)

I'm suffering the same at the moment...
I've nearly melded all the pens in the department out of boredom already, and I'm predicted an A* xD
(ladyflash Formally known as "oshi_", Thu 24 Jul 2008, 15:46, closed)

Gets an "I like this"
for getting the teacher to put a bin on his head
(twoheads Is currently broke on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 15:48, closed)

oh
i've just got it! "rswipe". Arsewipe! Seriously, i only just got it. Christ I'm stupid. Seriously think I'm a bit slow. I'm sorry, carry on. You were talking about schoolgirls then I got all dizzy.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:34, closed)

coke
unlike everyone else, you have the delights of knowing what a stockport grammar school uniform looks like!

that heinousness should cure the dizziness...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:01, closed)

i do indeed
as I gazed longingly...brown and yellow if i remember correctly!! I was at Poynton though, and that was mostly black and white, actually not a bad deal.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 17:44, closed)

I know what a Stockport Grammar uniform looks like!
I didn't go there like. I ended up at Avondale High. I had to wear a burgandy (sp?) fleece/sweater. It's gone now anyway. Replaced with Stockport Academy. They have to wear green blazers.
(Xstopher, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 19:17, closed)