Sleepless in Singapore
I was staying in a low-rent hotel in the red light district of Geylang, so meretricious that I literally had to push through crowds of prostitutes five deep to get from the taxi to the front door, and I had a Very Important Flight to catch at 5am the next morning.

To ensure that I wouldn't miss it, I packed away everything I had in my suitcase, leaving out only my hand luggage, a set of clothes for the next day, my travel documents and a carrier bag. Then I went out at lunchtime and began drinking heavily, so that by 8pm I was completely plastered. Suitably inebriated, I returned to the hotel - spurning the advances of hundreds of Chinese call girls along the way - and back in my room I had a bath, put my dirty clothes in the carrier and got to bed about 9. After setting every alarm I could lay my hands on for 4am I fell into deep unconsciousness...

...only to wake up, drunk and disorientated, in a bright corridor...to the sound of my hotel room door slamming shut behind me. I must have slept so fitfully, worrying about missing the flight, that somehow I'd gotten up in the night and sleepwalked right out of my room. A quick check revealed that I was completely naked and locked out of my own room, but fortunately I was clutching something in my left hand. Hoping against hope that I'd managed to grab a bathrobe during my unplanned egress I looked down to find that instead, my unconscious brain had furnished me with one of the tiny hand-towels from by the sink as my sole means of protecting my modesty.

At this point a young lady walked around the corner and presented with a naked emvee, she screamed an ear-piercing shriek that threatened to bring the hotel's security staff running and also wasn't doing terribly great things for my state of mind. With the ridiculously small towel positioned over my joy division I managed, against all odds, to calm her down and explain my situation in broken Singlish whereupon she went down to reception and (presumably) told them there was a skinny naked Englishman on the third floor.

About ten very awkward minutes later I was let into my room by a pair of sniggering ladies from the hotel's front desk, no doubt imagining I'd had some kind of hilarious altercation with one of the district's many, many ladies of the night. I didn't even see the point in trying to explain otherwise.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 10:23, 29 replies)

you've named your cock after a group of starved and tortured women made sex slaves by the nazis?
I mean we all know you like to degrade women for you own sick pleasure, but this is a new low.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:29, closed)

haha

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:31, closed)

It's because ileftmytoysout is an utter Atrocity Exhibition.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:32, closed)

Nah I named it after the band that produced Unknown Pleasures :p

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:47, closed)

"Something must break"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:50, closed)

"Means to an end"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:50, closed)

"She's lost control"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:50, closed)

Well that one works, at least

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 13:59, closed)

vomiting isn't usually intended as a compliment
hth
(alright alright, Wed 14 Aug 2013, 9:51, closed)

"Transmission"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:51, closed)

"Failures"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:51, closed)

"In a Lonely Place"
...up a tree, in a Yoda mask.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:53, closed)

"Power, corruption and lies"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:54, closed)

Ha!
But that was New Order.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:56, closed)

LOL
another hilarious reference to a random picture off of the internet that I didn't take of a girl I've never met and which I've only seen once because some halfwit off here kept banging on about it

You really are the most witless cretin I think I've encountered since Monty, congratulations on that
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 14:17, closed)

you named it Martin Hannett?
He might have been grossly fat, fat enough to fit a band inside, but it was just him, sozzington.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:52, closed)

*yawn*

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 14:00, closed)

No you didn't.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:43, closed)

OHHH DEAR 600+ post here we come

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 12:50, closed)

Another piercing and insightful
post.

Thank goodness we have you here to keep the pace going Monty.
(username failed moderation, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 14:46, closed)

BRING FORTH THE KRANKIES!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 15:07, closed)

"Hey! He says Krankies, give him Krankies!"

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 15:10, closed)

You may as well give him krankies, because at the moment it's all he's got to fling back at you.

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 16:46, closed)

The big one isn't very flingable. And no-one deserves to be pelted with Wee Jimmy.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 17:00, closed)

+,

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 13 Aug 2013, 17:26, closed)

I AM NOT LEAVING THIS PITIFUL, LYING STORY UNTIL I GET KRANKIES

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 14 Aug 2013, 12:01, closed)

Classic Marshmallow.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 20:02, closed)

ALBERT AL AKHBAH!

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 14 Aug 2013, 1:18, closed)

alright, Albert

(alright alright, Wed 14 Aug 2013, 8:36, closed)