More Poundland Mayhem!
A large chunk of my now completed Community Service Order involved me having to assist a group of mentally-disadvantaged weirdos with their weekly shopping. Part of this exceptionally painful process included a trip to Poundland/PoundStretcher/PennyWise - or whatever the fuck it was called.

Once inside, my group would run amok, gleefully piling all manner of crap into their baskets, then rushing to the tills, they'd pull out handfuls of pound-coins from their cagoules, thrusting them at the frightened checkout girls.

One particular chap knew exactly what he wanted and each week he dragged me to the same corner of the shop, point repeatedly at the same sign and then proceed to wet himself with excitement (which wasn't as awkward as it sounds, as he wore adult diapers).

'Looooook...' He'd drawl at me, 'Here they are!'

And there they were:

- Broken Biscuits 10 Packs for £1 -

Underneath the sign, in a vast, bathtub sized bucket, there were hundreds of squished, half-opened and virtually inedible packets of biscuits. All the famous ones were there, bourbons, custard creams, chocolate fingers, the malt ones, the Nice ones. Our friend would gather up armfuls and dump them into his own basket-on-wheels thing (you know, the type old ladies drag from shop to shop).

Every now and then he'd stop, call me over and thrust a packet of biscuits in my face.

'Looook, perrrrfect!' He'd say, 'This one has NO brokens!'

And he was right, one or two out of every fifty packets was indeed perfect - a full, unopened and almost definitely, unbroken packet of biscuits.

'These are worth TWO POUNDS,' He'd yell, 'They're CADBURY.'

This scene was repeated every week - and probably still is - except for one day, when I decided to interrupt his Rainman-esque routine to question the logic of his purchases. You see, he'd buy at least £10 worth of broken biscuits each time, then return home, throw away the properly broken crap and just keep the 'No Brokens'.

'Do you know for the same money, you could buy at least five packets of brand-new biscuits?' I asked him, 'This would save you a fortune AND ensure you only had perfect biscuits.'

But he wasn't having any of it, launching into a twenty minute diatribe, he explained at extraordinary length and in extraordinary detail about this one time at the pound shop, when EVERY packet in the tub was completely, to a crumb, unbroken.

'Shut it!' I cried. 'Enough already! Can't you see that's just a fool's anomaly?'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 25 Jun 2014, 23:55, 9 replies)

Grudging Clap
you cunt
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 6:27, closed)

^What she said^

( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 26 Jun 2014, 7:47, closed)

Clever.
The way you disguised a story about wetting yourself in Lidl, as a crappy pun story.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 8:50, closed)

Oh dear sweet JESUS ...
Click.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 10:07, closed)

FUCK OFF.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 10:24, closed)

i quite liked this
but now i want a custard cream.

you horrible cunt.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 10:41, closed)

It's a bit early in the week for a winner, isn't it?

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 11:31, closed)

Worthless.

( brb homonecrobatrachophile, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 20:31, closed)