I hate them all.
Fiona Phillips and Lorraine Kelly
Rambling half-wits of GMTV fame. The biggest pair of female fools that I have ever had the misfortune of watching on the TV.
I'll start off with that Scottish hag, Lorraine Kelly. Now, last year, I used to be able to tolerate her, but after becoming increasingly bemused at her inane comments, I felt I had to get it off my chest. She truly is a bandwagon-jumping frumpy old slutbag. If you can take the time to watch her in the mornings, you'll see that she agrees with whatever 'celebrity' she is interviewing all the time and that everyone and everything is either 'nice', 'lovely' or 'smashing'. No it isn't Lorraine, it's absolutely fucking shite. That dress that you think is 'nice' is fucking hideous, and even if I did like it, it would look crap on you anyway.

This leads me onto one of my extreme hates in life, the walking, talking, foot-in-mouth bint that is Fiona Phillips. I honestly do not know how this woman got a presenting job, I'm just thankful she is no longer on my TV screen. The amount of mistakes she makes is laughable, and I swear to God I could do a better job. Even if I was disabled.
A personal favourite Phillips moment of mine was when GMTV had a live link to an obese man’s house, and the chap in question had started to lose a lot of weight. She was asking him questions when his cat jumped up onto his bed, "Blimey, he's huge as well", she said. Well done Fiona, you absolute hideous cunt.

Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen
I don't care if you think you're interior design is fantastic, I think its fucking crap. I'd rather throw cat vomit at my walls and leave it to solidify than have you ponce around in you flowery shirts and gay velvet jackets, touching your bouncy locks every 5 minutes. I hate you with a passion you posh, moronic bastard. Oh, and your missus is ugly. She looks like a lesbian cunt.


Adrian Chiles
Right Adrian, listen to me you tubby little fecker. Everyone knows that you support West Brom and everyone is now bored of it. Please stop mentioning them on MOTD2, The One Show, The Apprentice – You’re Fired, and any other program that you have somehow managed to wangle your squashed-up, pug-like face onto. Can you also please refrain from making any of your ‘wise-cracks’? You are not funny and you have a nauseating accent. Your voice sounds like a drunk man with a mouth full of cotton wool.It’s fat, untalented cunts like you give TV presenting a bad name, you fat untalented cunt.


John Barrowman
The new darling of Saturday TV in many people’s eyes – a perma-tanned, nauseating homo in mine. John Barrowman needs to make up his mind if he’s American or Scottish, and not just change his nationality when the mood suits him. John Barrowman can’t sing, is a very dodgy actor, has a horrible, paedo-like smile and looks like Tom Cruise probably would do if he hadn’t got a growth defect. I couldn't stand your tacky Saturday night show, John, you drama-schooled, jazz-handed, cock-sucking cunt. (NB, I'm not homophobic)

Amanda Holden
I don’t wish harm on many people, but I’m afraid Amanda Holden is on the list; she would probably enjoy it. How she got to be on the judging panel of any show I’ll never know, because Amanda Holden has no talent, the only talent that she did possess she lost (RIP Les Dennis). She must have sucked off Simon Cowell to get her job. This woman is the definition of flirt; a cock-teasing, crotch-rubbing slut that acts like she oozes sex appeal. Amanda; you don’t. Please stop with the hair flicking etc, it's bloody annoying.

Lenny Henry
You weren’t funny in the early 90s and you’re about as funny as bowel cancer now. Please, please pack it all in Lenny – go and feed Dawn French a few pies, concentrate on your Holiday Inn adverts, do ANYTHING other than comedy.

Madonna
Madonna
The unflushable stool of celebrity; when is she going to pack it all in? I’ve grown ever so bored of reading about her private life – the marriage break-ups, the adopting of African children, the completely blinkered love of Kaballah – Madonna, you are a veiny-armed, pigeon-faced, prima-donna cunt. If you like African children so much, marry an African and have your own. If you feel the need to lavish your vast amounts of money on someone, how about some disabled children, or is too much of a hassle for you? One last thing, you ceased being attractive about 10 years ago, pre-sagging, so stop wearing revealing outfits. You make me sick.

Justin Lee Collins
Justin Lee Collins is a fat, smarmy, greasy-haired prick. The way he manhandles any female guest on his shows is repulsive, if he tried to grab and kiss me in that manner, he’d receive a swift boot to his Bristolian bollocks for his troubles. Justin seems to be in the Chris Moyles mould of believing in his own self-promoted hype, yet the British public seem to lap him up like a cat eating its own afterbirth.

Miquita Oliver
Never has there been a more sarcastic and unfunny presenter as Miquita ‘Thunder Thighs’ Oliver. With all the charisma and charm of a beetle, she interviews celebrity guests on T4 (and before it ceased to be, Pop World) in ‘quirky’ but very unfunny manner. I often cringe at her immature questions and pre-pubescent giggling. Miquita; if you’ve got a world-famous star in front of you, don’t take the piss out of them you jealous cunt – ask them some interesting, though-provoking questions about their work – you might learn something, and we, the viewer, might actually enjoy one of your programs
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:15, 6 replies)

"(NB, I'm not homophobic)"
You sure about that?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:28, closed)

Yes
There is only one gay person on the list....
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:30, closed)

Then why
is the fact that he's a "homo" part of what makes him hateful to you? You could just hate him for being a perma-tanned, irritating, loud, unfunny one-trick-pony. Why does the fact that he's homosexual exacerbate it?

NB: I agree with the rest of your list (including the fact that Barrowman is annoying, it's just that him being gay has nothing to do with it) except for the Lenny Henry thing - he used to be funny in the 1980s, sadly just not within the last decade. In my humble opinion.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:34, closed)

Fiona
"I honestly do not know how this woman got a presenting job, I'm just thankful she is no longer on my TV screen. "

Be thankfull that she realised her shortcomings and didn't take up Gordon Brown's offer of a job in the government.

I mean, Jesus, WTF was he thinking offering a daft, brain devoid idiot like that a job?

Oh yeah....she'd fit in well in the cabinet I suppose.
(dchurch bah, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:27, closed)

Monkey!
You're welcome around my house anytime. We can watch TV... we don't need to speak, we can just nod in silent agreement.

When you coming round?
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 14:18, closed)

Miquita Oliver........
I still would.
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 16:15, closed)