You're A Very Naughty Moose!
At university I belonged to the Hat Society, surely the laziest form of fancy dress club, being that it only affected the top of your head. Still, much effort was put into having the weirdest hat. In case you're wondering what the Hat Sociecty is (you can guess really, I mean we were students) it was pretty much just a weekly pub crawl in hats. Excellent fun, never seen so much vomit in my life. Anyway, my hat was a stuffed toy of one Bullwinkle The Moose stitched on top of a straw boater, don't ask why, it just seemed comedy at the time. It went down rather well, at one point we entered a pub where some woman was up on stage singing and she stopped the song half way through to offer me £100 for my hat. I'd gotten Bullwinkle from a trip to America and was pretty sure I wouldn't be going back soon so turned her down.

However the night took a slight turn for the worse when we invaded a different bar. There was a large group of us (thankfully) standing shoulder to shoulder with a handful of skinheads who we guessed didn't like students, judging by the looks we were getting, but there seemed to be enough of us to make them think twice. That was until one of my mates mentioned the singer and the £100 and I saw their eyes light up. Despite re-telling the story in a very loud and deliberate voice the looks on their faces seemed to confirm that I had been marked for not only a good kicking but a quite decent mugging as well. Five minutes later and the beer is taking its toll and I head to the toilets. I'm standing at the urinal when one of the skinheads walks in and stands right next to me. I was preparing myself for the inevitable, when he turns round, looks me in the eyes, then his gaze drifts upwards and he looks Bullwinkle in the eyes. Then with the right amount of drunken slurring, in a top quality Biffa Bacon voice he says "How man! Wor moose is looking at my cock!"

I hold in my laughter, he said it aggressively enough to let me know he's trying to provoke the fight. Luckily, however, I've just finished my wee and so, zipping up, I put on my best 'The Major' (Fawlty Towers) voice, look upwards to my hat and say "You're a very naughty moose!" before legging it back out to the safety of the group, giggling like a retard.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 13 Jan 2006, 10:27, Reply)