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This is a question Festivals

Mud, rubbish sex, food poisoning and the Quo replacing the headline act you've mortgaged your house to see. Tell us your experiences

Question from Chart Cat

(, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 13:33)
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It was night time. I needed a wee
and I had a rumbly tummy, which meant a runny bottom was on its way. It was dark, I was covered in green face paint and glowing red devil horns, a gift acquired from some suspiciously young girls in the Green Fields.

I approached the Glastonbury Portaloo with trepidation, smelling its foul contents from some distance away. As I stepped inside, the stench became overwhelming so I transferred my torch to my mouth, held the door open with one hand to let some air into the cubicle and maintained my aim with the other.

Unfortunately, the unholy stink had activated my guts, and a full rectal purge was now underway. Cursing my weak constitution, I decided against all reason to peer into the bowl to see what I was up against. The sight that greeted my weary eyes was so appalling my mouth automatically formed an 'OMG' and lost its grip on the handle of my torch. It fell through the seat hole and into the fetid mire below, landing handle-first and upright and still very much switched on. I considered my options to retrieve it, but it was embedded deep in the funk and the shitwolves were howling at my bumdoor. I turned round to find that the lock was broken too.

Disappointed with the way things were turning out, I dropped my trousers and perched above the glowing seat, which now resembled a kind of ghoulish uplighter. As my sphincter yawned I released the first of many hot, wet and exceptionally stinky colon burps. Seconds later, the door swung open and I was blinded by light and deafened by screaming.

Somewhat unsettled by this development, I rose from my squat in a literal blind panic and tried desperately to wipe myself off, still suffering retina-burn when I heard the door open again.

Emerging into view was a large, half-naked bald man with eyes like dinner plates. "Fucking hell mate, what have you been eating" he uttered, swiftly followed by "My missus is tripping badly, she's just run back to our tent and swore that she just saw the devil himself shitting out evil demons"

I cleaned myself up and was persuaded to join them both for few cans of warm lager and a lovely "Camberwell Carrot" in an attempt to calm her down again.
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 10:02, closed)
so many reasons to click
shitwolves howling at my bumdoor

devil himself shitting out evil demons

all gold

*clicks hard*
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 10:20, closed)
Too kind :-)
(, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 3:57, closed)
I'm here for the shitwolves and the bumdoor
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 10:24, closed)
nicely put
office lols
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 11:01, closed)
Yup, me too.
(, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 11:10, closed)
Fantastic image!
Not in a good way, obviously, that would be wrong, but very funny. Made me giggle through my hangover. Ta.
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 10:25, closed)
I can picture that vividly. I'm not entirely sure I wanted to picture it as now I can't scrub it from my mind.

I'll join the "shitwolves howling at my bumdoor" appreciation group too.

(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 12:51, closed)
Just brilliant.
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 10:43, closed)
and the shitwolves were howling at my bumdoor
pure genius!
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 10:58, closed)

This is a work of shit strewn art, sir.

sometimes a click does not seem like enough.
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 11:23, closed)
I accept money too
Cheers fella :-)
(, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 3:56, closed)
*wears finger to nubbin from clicking*
I, too, can picture this all too vividly. I like to think I would know better than to peek in to the shitpit of doom, though.
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 14:20, closed)
"Disappointed with the way things were turning out.."
that did it for me! Have a clickie.
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 15:57, closed)
(, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 18:18, closed)
i am wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes as I type this
(, Sat 6 Jun 2009, 18:17, closed)
*prints himself a shitwolves/bumdoor t-shirt*

*hopes "Cumberland Carrot" doesn't mean the same as a "Cleveland Steamer"*
(, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 23:04, closed)
"Camberwell Carrot"
it's a very big spliff, taken from the film 'Withnail and I'

(, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 3:56, closed)
Cheers for the cultural reference
I'm just glad that's what it meant - that's one mental image I could do without!
(, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 11:20, closed)
this is fucking great - nice one, matey!
(, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 13:21, closed)
well deserved click
excellent story, loving the image of a devil shitting out demons!
(, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:01, closed)
oh god
and much giggling

adds my click , then did it again instead of pressing reply :)
(, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 9:39, closed)
...and so much better than all the usual "I got wasted, think I had sex, probably saw some bands, you had to be there" dull guffwipe. Have a click.
(, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 12:07, closed)

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