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This is a question FIGHT!

Dr Preference wants to hear your stories about fighting. Ever started a fight? Ever seen a spectacular bar brawl? Or did you hide in a kebab shop when chased by West Ham football hoolies? The first rule of B3ta Fight Club is that you WILL talk about B3ta Fight Club.

(, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 11:04)
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An unexpected helping hand.
Just took our 6 year old daughter down to our local Argos (and bore witness to the Book of Laminated Dreams) for her to purchase out of her birthday money some cheap and nasty pink ring (cue various paedo jokes ahoy). Unfortunately they didn't have the right size in stock so she threw a wobbly and ended up kicking her mum in the leg (while I pretended not to laugh and looked the other way). She's at that age where she needs to control her anger; she's getting there but there are times when you feel a baseball bat with a nail in it wouldn't go amiss. Regardless we get back to the car, mum's pissed, the daughter's pissed and I'm sitting there stuck in the rhetorical middle. As we were about to visit other family members they kick off again shouting at each other about random things so we decide to drop me and the midget off at my house and the spouse to continue on her crusades separately today.

As we pull up daughter does her last man standing impression and would not leave the car with me. We manage to get her out of the car by her own accord (not a Honda unfortunately) and we are standing on the pavement when mum drives off. Daughter stands by the front hedge and starts screaming at me in some right ol' tantrum and I stand there smiling and not really helping. FIGHT ON. She freaks, hops forward and smacks me right in the face with her money purse, which I was completely not expecting at all and actually stung like a bastard. She goes to do it again but I was ready this time (a bruise on your forehead will give you amazing awareness) and block the shot, spin her around and try to stop her running off.

This all happens in a matter of seconds which was exactly the same time as a Police car was passing by. This copper spins the car around, winds down the passenger window and shouts out to me "My god sir, I've just witnessed you being assaulted, do you wish us to press charges on this child?" She went white and started shaking while crying uncontrollably and hugging me. "Oh no officer, I do believe she didn't mean to do that to me, did you?" "OH GOD NO I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!!!" she screams, terrified that she was about to be sent to the clink and do hard time. The policeman gives me a thumbs up, I give him a smile and a nod and he carries on driving back down the road, leaving the daughter terrified and wanting to sit down in the house. I had a quiet chat to her about her behaviour and she's currently calmed down watching Road Runner, as am I.

So thank you Mr Officer whoever you are for taking the time to spin your car around and calmly intervening over a tantrum a little girl was having. It may not seem like he did much but you taught her a few valuable lessons in life (one of which is "DON'T FUCK ABOUT IN PUBLIC").
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 15:43, 24 replies)
You and your wife are fucking awful parents.

(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 16:25, closed)
This is a comedy website.
Please try and be funny.
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 17:29, closed)
This hasn't been a comedy website for about a decade, do keep up.

(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 17:35, closed)
Five years. Zero pictures. Zero jokes.
Thanks for your comedy contribution.
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 18:10, closed)
This hasn't been a comedy website...
for at least a decade.
Thank you for keeping up.
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 22:43, closed)
Least he can't blame you for its downfall.
Strangely enough tho him and AB have been around for over 9 years now.
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 22:59, closed)
More love and comedy
and less hate please.
Thank you.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 4:47, closed)
It's exactly that kind of negativity that has ruined this comedy forum.

(, Tue 19 Mar 2013, 8:26, closed)
whereas your mum is fucking hot
*random feeding of the troll post*

Ps thanks for the random defence comment from the lurker, however it was charity night a few days back and you should've saved it for Frankie Boyle's twitter account.
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 18:44, closed)
To be fair, the story does make you appear to be utterly incapable of raising a child.

(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 19:25, closed)
Well I thought shoving a photo of Jimmy Saville in her face
and shouting "HE SEE'S YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING" is commonly better than using the cane. Damn my commoner school upbringing.
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 20:47, closed)
Jimmy Saville wallpaper on the bedroom ceiling is the easiest solution.
Pop a bit of glow-in-the-dark paint on his fingernails and jinglejangle jewellery for double effect.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 8:03, closed)
Not really sure what's more evident here Shambolina -
fear at the fact that you claim to have procreated & thus there is a child and (likely) spouse who are subjected to your snide, vicious, arrogant bullying attitude day to day (to be fair tho - you do seem to spend most of your time here so they must get a bit of respite) OR laughter at that fact that you seem to think you have right to make judgment and pass comment.

Top story btw Jeccius - click from me.
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 21:41, closed)
If your 6 year old daughter thinks it's okay to hit her mother because Argos don't have some gaudy bit of tat, and your reaction is to laugh, you've done something wrong somewhere.

(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 9:42, closed)
Says the man with a
chin that is discernible from orbit and no parenting skills whatsoever.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 9:44, closed)
This isn't working

Just sayin'.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 9:45, closed)
Somebody needs to supply us with emotionally vulnerable and materialistic teenagers to take advantage of.

(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 10:30, closed)
I do like how nobody has an actual rebuttal to my clearly valid point.
This is the sort of shit you see on those reality shows with the fat nanny.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 11:05, closed)
What do you think this is,
Judge Judy?


(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 11:34, closed)
I wish it was, she's ace.

(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 11:45, closed)
Unless she buys fine china from you!

(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 12:23, closed)
So your gripe is I mentioned I did a quiet laugh when she committed the offence.
I didn't list down the actual bollocking which followed as it would've dragged the post out a bit, that's all. Soz for it not being a blow by blow account for you, I'll show better consideration next time for the autistic troll community that may be reading.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 11:34, closed)
Umm, I believe I did.
Clearly you have very few parenting skills. God hopes you have no children to not practice them on.
My 6 yo. daughter hit me a couple of times when she was chucking tanties (tantrums). First time I chuckled - cause as a nearly 6ft. big & fat fella getting slapped by a 6 yo. (aside from getting hit in the goolies by them) is kinda laughable.

The second time I reminded her about the time she got hit by a bully at her school and how she felt then. I then pointed out to her that her behavior was little or no better.

Hasn't really been a problem since.
Also a piece of common-sense parenting I would think. Clearly you didn't get the memo.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 12:22, closed)
To become a parent
you have to have sex. With a member of the opposite sex.

I think this is the major hurdle Braindead faces.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 12:56, closed)
Could've been worse,
she could've posted 60k+ posts on /talk, she would be up for adoption by now.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 10:30, closed)
'bore witness'
edit: read the rest now, and *click*
(, Sun 17 Mar 2013, 22:14, closed)
Duly edited :)
And thanks to Ringofyre too :)
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 7:07, closed)
I did something similar just after Christmas
with my 2 year old son.

We were travelling back to the UK on a longhaul flight, which is hard work with a toddler.

At the airport, I was left to look after him while Mrs and his 8 year old sister went off shopping. He decides for some reason he wants to go to Miami, and is insisting on joining the queue from the lounge that are filing through the gate.

As the queue diminished, the point at which I would have to extricate him came closer, and all my invitations to go check out the water cooler, escalators, shops and coffee kiosks were just producing an ever more hysterical "I want to go through here" reaction.

So, as we got to the gate, I quietly asked the guy collecting boarding passes to tell him he can't go through.


Cue two year old dissolving in a crumpled terrified heap . . . took me 15 minutes to calm him down. Permanent damage almost certainly inflicted.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 9:31, closed)
Oh god lol
Was it Brian Blessed?
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 10:26, closed)
They're all Brian Blessed
when you're two.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 11:41, closed)
I so wish this was literally true lol

(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 11:48, closed)
Your six-year-old was pissed?
I'm inclined to go along with the "terrible parenting" vibe from the people above.
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 13:44, closed)
Bill Bailey reference and a nice policeman. More of this kind of thing.

(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 19:53, closed)
"They are laminated TO CATCH THE TEARS OF.....JOY!"
(, Mon 18 Mar 2013, 20:18, closed)

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