Love Conquers Oil
A wide beach at sunset. A woman resembling Meg Ryan (for it is she) walks along the water's edge, her bare feet pressing into the sand. She thinks back to her childhood when she threw a message in a bottle into the sea. That message read "I love the earth/I love the sea/We must protect it/To keep it free".

Melancholic strings soar in the background.

In the comfortably yet masculinely furnished lighthouse, the lighthouse keeper who looks a lot like Tom Hanks (for it is he) reads the paper, plays with his golden retriever Goldie and polishes his bulb. He thinks back to the day he found a message in a bottle with a poem in it. He ponders on the simple beauty of this poem as he feeds his tame, one-legged pet seagull named Cap'n.

A few weeks later, both independent people co-incidentally find themselves in a court room. Environmental journalist and activist Meg is accused of causing an oil spill by attacking an oil tanker belonging to evil oil tycoon Kevin Costner (for it is he). Lighthouse keeper Tom is giving evidence, for he saw the whole thing from his lighthouse.

"I could never cause such damage," cries blondie Meg. "For when I was a child I made a pledge to the sea. I wrote a poem and I put it in a bottle and I swore that my love for nature would guide my life."

Strings soar again as Tom realises she is, in fact, his Dream Woman. But Oh Noes! He is giving evidence against her!

Tom risks it all for love, and shows his contempt for the court by refusing to testify against brave, fluffy Meg. Violins reach a crescendo as they embrace outside the courtroom. But Kevin the evil oil tycoon has other ideas. he instigates a riot and second-tall-man-with-pipe-wrench (for it is he) hurts a lawyer and poor Meg is blamed for causing controversy.

A month later, Meg has cleared her reputation and the happy couple are cuddling on the tastefully-furnished-but-now-with-a-woman's-touch-like-scatter-cushions couch in the lighthouse. The blond dog lies at their feet.

"There's a storm a-comin'," remarks Tom. He gets up to check his equipment. All of a sudden - what a startlingly dramatical coincidence enhanced by ominous cello strains! - he espies the Kevin the oil tycoon's luxury yacht in trouble.

"I must help him!" he cries "Even if he caused trouble for us and blackened our reputation. We are good people with good consciences!" and he grabs his oars and pulls hard.

Meg stands, alone, alarm bells and hands wringing. She paces the floor, then the stairs, then the beach. She peers through binoculars as the storm gathers force, and wraps herself fetchingly in a blanket as she weeps in concern.

Daylight ends. Night falls.

It is dawn. An eerie silence and the absence of orchestral score signifies something is wrong. Meg stands, forlorn, on the beach and the wood from Tom's dinghy washes up at her feet. She sinks to her knees clutching the dog and sobbing.

But wait! What is that? It's a life raft, and a helicopter, and the coastguard and uplifting music! Tom has saved the day! As he is brought to shore the joyous couple both abandon their blankets and rush into each other's arms where Tom kisses her tenderly and swears they will never be apart again. In gratitude, Kevin the oil tycoon realises the error of his ways and vows never to harm the environment again.

Tom and Meg are married on the clifftop by the lighthouse in the evening sun with the dog as a witness and an audience of seagulls. Happy music to fade.

Note: this film does not exist so I had to make it up, but it would be the best film ever if all other films were even more rubbish.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 17:32, 4 replies)

To make it even better
The dog should have a series of accidents throughout the film so that it has lost all of it's legs by the end of the film, and Tom and Meg can pull it along on a little trolley with wheels. This will have the added bonus of being a metaphor for the state of the environment, and make Meg and Tom look even more brilliant as they care for the legless dog without prejudice.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 18:05, closed)

I love it,
you're hired.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 18:07, closed)

The oil spill
could form a thin layer on the sea. This could be the best film ever.

Length? Don't believe what oil-tycoons say about the size of their yachts.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 21:38, closed)

Amazing
I love it, and i liek the dog idea as well, ill see this in the cinema anyday :D
And to think people said we wudnt get a good laugh from this QOTW
(Doubtful origin, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 7:07, closed)