The tale of BelladonnaAnodyne and the puppies...
A couple of years ago, my dad's two dogs (I hesitate to describe them as 'dogs' - although unmistakeably canine, they are both smaller than the cats and really get on my nerves. However, it is simpler to type 'dogs' than 'those little rat bastards', so I will stick with 'dogs') had puppies.

Now, I hate dogs (smelly, mithering, moulting balls of irritation) but I LURVE puppies, because they are small, walk funny and don't smell. These puppies were especially cute, because both their parents are so stupidly small, they were absolutley teenyfied. I had been the first to see them when they were born, and had named them all. There was Ranulph, Wodewick, Lester, Peeper and (my favourite) Boudicca.

Unfortunately, my dad and his wife had a holiday booked when the puppies were about a month old. When my dad goes on holiday, me and Mr. Anodyne look after the pub. That's not a problem, I can do it with my eyes shut (admittedly it would be more difficult with my eyes shut, but I think I could do it). But normally, the dogs are relocated somewhere so we don't have to bother with them. We couldn't do that this time, because of the tidgy ones. Before we actually started looking after them, I was so enamoured with the little buggers I was actually quite excited. I was soon to regret this.

The dogs were to live in the kitchen, that being the only room in the flat with a lino floor. We didn't mind that, although did elect to live on takeaways for the week for hygiene reasons. Now, have you ever tried to keep 7 dogs in one room? It is immensely hard. Whenever we opened the door to try to feed the adult dogs or get a cuppa, they rushed us and all managed to escape. Getting them back in involved 3 people with brooms trying to herd them back in, and needed to be done at least 6 times a day (12 if you count when you tried to leave the kitchen as well). The one time I foolishly let them have a little run around was a disaster (puppies are quite literally shit machines with legs, and are surprisingly good at hiding), and so that plan got abandoned. Nor could we pick them up individually and put them back, because when you opened the door to put the second one back, the first one would run back out, and so on.

Now to the filth. My god, I thought I'd seen some things with my baby sister, but this was of another level entirely. The kitchen had to be cleaned 6 times a day. First, we had to pick up the poo (usually about 15-20 little piles had accumulated in between cleans), then mop up the LAKE of dog piss, then finish by mopping the floor. This whole process took about 20 minutes, followed by the extra 20 minutes it took to really finish the job, because as soon as you turned your back on one of the little bastards, it had done another shit.

Now this was bad enough, but on the second day I went into the kitchen to find it looked like someone had thrown a ticker-tape parade in honour of the dog's effluence. There was tiny bits of tissue covering every conceivable surface of the kitchen. The buggers had obviously somehow managed to get hold of a pack of napkins. I cleaned the mess up, whilst cursing the day my dad's wife had demanded that they get procreating dogs to satisfy her baby-lust. I checked all the cupboards for the offending pack of napkins (even though I KNOW the dogs can't open cupboards), but had no luck in locating them, and so assumed that that would be the last I would see of them. OH NO. Every time I went up to clean, there would be another snow-storm of shredded tissue. It wasn't until the 5th day that I found the catering-size pack of napkins that had been hidden under the blanket in the dog bed. Every time I had gone up, there had been a puppy asleep in there, and I hadn't wanted to disturb them (and risk them running off to shit everywhere). It is only now, upon reflection, that I realise that it was probably all just a clever ruse orchestrated by their mother, who I famously don't get along with.

And that, dear readers, is why I want a cat.


EDIT:
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 30 Mar 2010, 17:28, 7 replies)

linky no worky
I wanted to see teeny puppies, no matter how shitty :(
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 1:31, closed)

Cats are teh cool
And also the linky no worky :(
( snee held his breath since, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 8:21, closed)

and
someone's left litter on your couch
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 11:08, closed)

arf
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 14:55, closed)

Stair gate
Across the door. You can step over it, the dogs can't jump over. Problem solved.
( NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 11:26, closed)

cute
and it all looks quite clean :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 14:55, closed)

what breed of dog is that anyway? :|

(samurai_beth, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 2:10, closed)