When you play with ladies you play with FIRE!
Every office has a miserable old cow. Ours is called Wendy. Not only is she miserable (Number of years worked there - 10. Number of smiles sighted - 0) but because of her size and the colour of her hair she contrives to look eerily like the Honey Monster from the Sugar Puffs box.

Anyhow there was a team meeting called which, due to a badly timed cigarette break, I arrived late for. As I entered I quickly scanned the room for Wendy for the simple reason that any team meeting she's present for will always last twice as long as she rattles of a list of petty complaints. I had a lot of work on and needed to get back so was very happy when I didn't see her. As soon as I'm settled the meeting continues, apparently our fire safety certificate was being renewed so everyone was being asked if they could think of anything the management should be made aware of to put right before the inspection.

Being the witty gent I am I instantly quipped "I think Wendy might constitute a fire hazard."

Everyone loves a good joke at the miserable buggers expense but this time the howls of laughter were absent. Replaced, instead, by one person nervously laughing and then badly trying to pretend she was coughing. My first reaction was that they didn't get it and I was about to add "Cause she's so huge, see? Couldn't get past her in an emergency see?" but luckily my boss caught my eye with a look of unholy panic. I twigged what was going on at roughly the same time I heard a very pointed cough from my left. Turning in horror Wendy leant forward and seemed to magically appear from behind two other ladies.

Shit.

My mind whirled in panic and I desperately groped for some way out of the situation. Before I even knew what was happening my mouth started speaking on its own. Sounding very unsure of itself it asked Wendy "Because you're just too damn hot?"

Wendy raised her eyebrows in shock. In the background I could hear everybody laughing but for me time froze. To be honest I really wish it still was, because after a terrifying amount of time she dropped me a wink and smiled shyly. I could only madly grin back at her in blind panic. When the laughter died down the meeting resumed as normal.

Nice save Gleeballs. Nice.

Since then she's started brushing past me in corridors. She handed me a file the other day and gently gripped my arm, smiling as she did so. Goddamn you fire safety! The Honey Monster is going to rape me! For the love of god help me!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sun 6 Nov 2005, 15:51, Reply)