I am the god of hellfire and I bring you...
I’ve always been a bit of a coward around fire so have never set fire to myself, my friends, my possessions etc. so I will admit straight away that this is not a story relating to me, but one that happened to a friend. However, it’s still too funny not to repeat.

My friend was at a party where this chap we shall call Steve was trying to impress the ladies with his ability to light his own farts. Now, this is an activity fraught with danger and given that this question is about fire, I think you will be able to tell where it’s going. Having already demonstrated his ability several times, it took the egging on of several attractive ladies to get Steve to perform one more pyroflatulent display. On this occasion thought, there simply wasn’t enough power behind the puff so the small, flickering blue dart that appeared from his arse lasted a second before shooting up into his anus.

The smell of burning hair was incredible. And there was this weird, inhuman screaming coming from somewhere. Unsurprisingly, it was coming from Steve, who was jumping up and down, his trousers round his ankles, smacking his bottom trying to put out the fire that was slowly toasting his colon. Witnesses later reported his bare buttocks glowing red.

Curling himself up into a foetal ball of pain, it took several friends to bundle him into the car to take him to hospital. This effort was hindered however by the fact that all of them were rendered almost inert by paroxysms of laughter. You know the kind? Where the eyes are squinted shut, pissing out tears, the mouth seems to have a case of lockjaw and balance and co-ordination are almost impossible?

So there’s an estate car with four people in it, Steve stretched out, face down over the passengers in the backseat, his arse hanging out and a cacophony of laughter and girly screaming coming from it, hurtling towards the hospital. I’m just glad the cops didn’t stop them.

Upon reaching the hospital, Steve is brought into casualty between my friend and another mate who have both managed to get down to just giggling. So there’s two mates, barely able to talk and between them, a pissed and whimpering Steve with his trolleys round his ankles, tackle out for all to see. As if to cap the comedy of it all, out comes a huge matron-type nurse who is distinctly unamused. She folds her arms and asks what happened. Cue both mates cracking up with laughter again, dropping Steve to the ground who instantly starts screaming once more.

The last they saw of Steve was him being wheeled away face down on a stretcher with the nurse following carrying the largest jar of Vaseline you have ever seen.

Not a big fire admittedly, but very dangerous none the less!
(Mr Evian, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:02, Reply)