I am serious, and don't call me......
We didn't have a VCR until ages after everyone else at school (1990 I believe) Even then it was one of those old Ferguson jobs that took two men with a wheelbarrow to install, and the volume of the mechanism was akin to a freight train crashing into a tin roof.

So, I was ten years old when we got this contraption, and we soon gathered a collection of crackly videotapes. The usual stuff in those days, The Neverending Story, Labyrinth etc etc, while mums Scotch videos would consist of The Darling Buds of May, Corrie etc with the usual "DO NOT TOUCH" scrawled on in biro.

However one day I noticed a videotape in a plain wallet, hidden behind a photo atop the highest shelf in the lounge, and when I asked mum what the videotape was doing up there, she gave the usual cryptic parent response of "minding its own business" before hurriedly moving the conversation on.

Big mistake.

Instantly my sole aim in life was to find out what was on this mysterious videotape. A film or an ITV drama with explicit bits surely - after all my parents were pretty prudish and awkward when it came to such things (my sex education outside school was pretty much having a 70s NHS pamphlet hurled at me when I was dying in bed with flu). I finally seized my opportunity when they had to nip out for a few minutes leaving me alone. After nearly breaking my neck standing on tiptoe atop a dragged-from-the-kitchen bar stool, I finally got a grip on the edge of the tape and sent it crashing into the fireplace. My shaking hands wrestled the tape into the machine and, with wide-eyed anticipation I sat down to watch what would be surely an erotic masterpiece.

What was on the tape?

Shirley Valentine

A film as titillating as a wet weekend in Grimsby. The only eyebrow raising scene was perhaps a 3 second glimpse of Pauline Collin's flappy tits as she dives naked from a boat.

:o/
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 12 Aug 2011, 16:19, 7 replies)

Serves you right
you sex maniac.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 16:21, closed)

Truly tragic.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 16:25, closed)

Red herring?
Was this put there deliberately, knowing you'd succumb to curiosity and have to watch it whilst the hardcore stuff lay unseen in another cupboard or under the bed?

*tune in next time folks to see what happens...*
( NooShmoo It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 16:44, closed)

They sound like the type of people..
who might just have a fully functional dungeon in the basement, with a side room dedicated to hardcore pornography.
(Vinnie Strokes Got bummed on, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 1:06, closed)

I bet you didn't really have the 'flu
I bet it was just a really bad cold.
( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 21:33, closed)

They sound like the type of people...
who might have a fully functional dungeon in the basement with a side room dedicated to hardcore pornography.
(Vinnie Strokes Got bummed on, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 1:08, closed)

Funny how I get one more point
but one less comma
( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 21:05, closed)