No bodies asked
How exactly all this porn ended up in the woods in the first place
(FondaAccord, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 18:48, 6 replies)

Animal Farm!
I'll skip the "crumpled page of Razzle found on wasteground age 9" story and go straight for the 1 that remains burned into my memory. Forever.

Late 80's, age 12, rumours go around school of this tape. It's spoken of in hushed tones, no-ones ever seen it but it's said "people do it with animals". Everyone instantly wants to see it. As most things do, it was a mates older brother who got a copy. It's set, lunchtime and 7 of us leg it out of school grounds and over to his house. Mum and Dad at work so we can have the house to ourselves. Out comes the tape and it's stuck into the Ferguson. It seems to be a compilation of scenes, filmed at different times so it's all over the shop but we don't care, plot seems flimsy at best.

1st Scene = A small kitchen, pan of live eels. Yes, frying pan is out, they're making tea. she's finding it hard to hold on to it, no she's........... the room FREAKS and goes into hysterics! "You can see it's tail sticking out!!" Fast Forward.

2nd Scene = Woman/Man. Next to a fence. Hmm, yes, she's playing his trumpet. Oh look, a chicken's walking past, she's picked it up, she's ........ 1 of us laughs so hard he farts, the rest kind of sit quietly. Not as funny anymore. Chicken doesn't look overly pleased either. Fast forward.

3rd Scene... Now. It goes hazy here as we all started to think it wasn't the best idea, the bravado was gone. I remember 1 woman under a horse, she just looked desperate. Fast forward Then 2 women and a great dane. He didn't look too fussed either althought he did look like Scooby doo. Fast forward. A woman, going into a barn. Farmers wife, yes, she's feeding the pigs. No, she's not, she's getting one to ... fucking 'ell! it's a big pig too!

We were all massively let down by the experience, didn't live up to the hype. Lunchtime was nearly over *SLAM* back door goes, Lee's dad's home and it's FUCKING ANARCHY as we all try leave at once like burgulars, 1 out of the window, 4 thru the patio door, the rest get caught trying to take the tape out.

Back to school, out of breath, in a daze. We've now all shared that experience and head our seperate ways...
(TheManofScience, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 17:57, 30 replies)

Not necessarily the first rude thing I saw...
A while back I worked in a pretty decent office. Pretty decent in the fact that the toilets were of exceptional quality. They had three individual, fully enclosed, spotlessly clean and secure WCs. No male or female. No gap under the door. Just perfectly private places to piss, poo...or knock one out.

It was the latter of those uses that found me occupying one of these brilliant bogs one Friday afternoon. Something or other, I forget which, had titillated me. So I made my way to the first available luxury loo and began my wank-at-work ritual.

Door locked, yes. Taps running, yes. Squirt of lovely smelling pink soap in left hand, yes. Trousers round ankles, yes. Right hand positioned on wall above toilet bowl, yes. Spare hand ready to work, yes.

Time is hard to measure mid- toss, all I can remember is that I was deep into my fantasy, eyes closed and really pumping, when something happened that should never, ever happen. Ever.

In strolled the work experience girl. The lovely middle class teenage work experience girl. Fresh from taking her GCSE's, she was there for a couple of weeks in the 'real world'. Instinctively I turned around. I clocked her and my body and mind acted independently of my brain. I spun back, knelt down and began to make very convincing gagging sounds. It was obvious. I was being violently sick.

She ran out and I continued my charade for a few minutes more, before sheepishly creeping out. I made it back to my desk, fielded the concerned queries of my co-workers and managed to make it through the rest of the day.

As luck would have it, that Friday was her last.

I'll never know if she realised what was actually going on. I'll never know if she ever spoke to anyone about it. I'll never know how she made it through the door I was positive I locked. And I'll never know if that was the first, really rude thing she ever saw.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 17:50, 20 replies)

Typical Scouse approach
I was walking through a shopping centre somewhere in north Liverpool with some other girls (Bootle, I think), when an older boy strolled over, thrust a mag in my hand and said, "Eee-arr luv, have some cock."

It was a glossy gay porn mag open at a page with a well-endowed, muscular bloke enjoying a shower.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 17:01, 1 reply)

First Mammoth Porn Session
Went to a friend's house for his birthday mash up, we must have been about 15 and his parents had cleared off for the evening, leaving the 4 of us to our own devices.

So, (boringly, in hindsight) we did what we did every time we got together - drank a lot and smoked a load of shitty hash. I think I drifted off on the sofa about midnight, before being woken up by my friend excitedly saying "I've just found my step-dad's stash of porno tapes and speed". I think that definitely made his birthday.

We then spent the whole night - until about 5am I think - watching cassette after cassette of dodgy porn (guy had a bit of a fetish thing going on apparently) and my friends snorting all his speed. I didn't touch the stuff, never have never will, but there's nothing that'll put you off drugs faster than being the only one in the room not doing them and seeing the "I need to drink some water through my nose, it's burning" and a big glob of snot falling out of someone's nose before him holding one nostril closed and sniffing it all back up in one breath. Anyway, I digress...

We counted the tapes all hidden behind the drawers of this guy's, um, chest of drawers, and there were eighty six. Yes, eighty six VHS tapes of dodgy 80's porno for our viewing pleasure.

There's nothing quite like a 5 hour hardcore porn marathon with your mates to desensitize you! (and the fact I'd had the internet for a few years by this point and had already seen much, much worse)

Length? A little over 16 metres, back to back :)
(Mr_Lew, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 15:30, 5 replies)

Pay it forward
So many of these stories involve finding porn in bushes that it jogged my memory of the time when I was the leaver rather than the finder. A quite substantial pile of Mayfair, Club and Forum (classic 90s fair) dumped in the woods near my house.

I still wish I had all of those mags, they were such an important part of my teenage years *sigh*
(stewiegriffin, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 15:18, 10 replies)

Bush in the bush

Seven years old and my parents would regularly take me to a recreation ground to do the usual things like go on the swings and learn to ride a bike without stabilizers.

Dividing the park in two was a thick bush which had large bright green leaves on the outside and a network of trunks inside which were ideal for a small boy to climb across and explore. It became part of my routine visit to travel from one end of the bush to the other out of sight of my parents.

One day as I was traversing the branches I noticed a magazine on the floor. I stopped to have a look and realized to my horror it was full of women with no clothes on. At that point in my life the only naked woman I'd ever seen was my mother, so looking at other naked women seemed strange. I had a funny sensation in my stomach that I didn't understand.

After a few minutes I continued on my way but somehow knew it was right not to mention it to my parents. The magazine was there for a few days afterwards and I continued to stop and look and get the funny feeling in my tummy.

I still get that feeling now when my missus gets undressed :-)
(BinDipper, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 12:43, 4 replies)

The Anal of Spades
I’d seen a few rude things growing up. From the lingerie section of the Kays catalogue, where, if I was lucky, they’d feature a few see-through bras and I’d get a hint of aereola; to the fantastic feeling of playing Hide and Seek in the woods with my mates and finding a few ripped out (but crumpled and weather damaged) pages of Fiesta left behind a bush. I, like most of you, had also caught glimpses of Eurotrash, although I could never pick up channel 4 properly in my room with the portable TV aerial so the picture was often blurred. Lola Ferrari looked more like a pixelated Donkey Kong on my TV.

It wasn’t until my first trip abroad that I really got to see something rude; something that really opened my young eyes to new delights that the world had so far hidden from me. Majorca was the destination, and to this day, the excitement of boarding and travelling in a plane, swimming in foreign seas and trying paella for the first time, is still overshadowed by my rude discovery.

It was our first full day at the resort, and my Mum sent my brother and I off to the local shop to get an ice lolly for her and my sister. At 13, I was the eldest and I was handed the cash. My brother, 11, followed me to the store, with further instructions from my Dad to get him ‘a Feast, because ice lollies are girly and just frozen water with food colouring in’. Off we marched and I still remember feeling a little nervous about whether or not the lady behind the counter would start rambling on at me in Spanish. We picked up the items we were asked to get, along with something each for ourselves (for some reason I bought a Lipton Iced Tea), and made our way up to pay. It was then that it happened.

On a stand near the counter, were various holiday trinkets; key rings, postcards, pens and other crap with ‘Majorca’ emblazoned across it. However, there was one set of items that caught my eye in particular – pornographic playing cards. My eyes lit up; here right in front of me, were images of ladies in various states of undress, and most of them had their bronze European tits out. “Look!”, I whispered to my brother, nudging him with my elbow, nodding my head towards the playing cards. He looked up and I noticed his eyes widen too.
“Shall I get a pack?” I asked him, unsure of whether he would think I was being naughty and would tell Mum.

“Erm, yes, do it”, he replied giggling.

So I did.

Although, I do have a slight confession to make. I didn’t actually pay for the cards, and it wasn’t intentional. After handing over the other items I was going to pay for, I just froze; I was a 13 year old boy with a pack of porn playing cards in my hand. As I glanced down, I noticed that I’d picked up the ‘Anal Sex’ edition. I’m not sure I even knew what anal sex was, but I could tell from the image on the front of the pack that it was quite naughty, although the woman seemed to be smiling and enjoying herself. Before I knew what I was going to do, the woman behind the counter handed me my shopping in a carrier bag, and we turned and walked out, with the cards firmly clasped in my hand.

Keeping them in my short pockets for the rest of the afternoon was a scary thought, but I had to do it. I didn’t want my parents to know I had them, and certainly didn’t want them to know I’d stolen them. The hours slowly ticked by and eventually we headed back to the hotel to get changed for dinner. It was here that I managed to unload them into my rucksack, and it was there they stayed until 10 days later, when we arrived back home. I can’t tell you how nervous I was walking through passport control on the way back, thinking I’d be arrested for having these cards on me.
I couldn’t wait to show my friends my newly acquired playing cards, and the very next day we were in the park, flicking through them, laughing at some of the images and almost vomiting at others. For the next two or three days, I was The Porn King; the 13 year old who had everything; Chewits on tap, free cola bottles and white chocolate mice when I demanded, and best swing in the park. My playing cards had given me power amongst my peers. They had also taught me something new – what the term ‘anal sex’ actually meant.
Time passed, and the novelty of the cards wore off. Other boys found their mum’s dildos, or dad’s video collection, and my playing cards could not compete with these. However, I kept them, there was no way I was going to get rid of them; what if my mum saw them in the bin?!

“But what happened to the cards?!” I hear you cry. (well, not really, but it leads me onto the next point).

I still have them.

14 years on, after 2 house moves with my parents, to me moving out on my own into rented accommodation, back in with my parents and then finally last year to my own place; these cards have come with me. It wasn’t until this question came up this week that I remembered I still had them, so I checked, and yes, there they were, in the old box file under my bed along with my Granddad’s war medals and old school reports.

I took the liberty of taking a few photos of the images that still take me back to Majorca, the ones that really left a lasting impression:

Obviously, these links are NSFW!! They feature tits, arse, cum dripping cock, minge and ugly foreign people.

Photo 1 – The image on the box. Look how happy she is; so content - imgur.com/lN53p

Photo 2 – The psychedelic hat man. I always wondered why he kept his hat on, and why the fuck he bought it in the first place - imgur.com/byxvL

Photo 3 – Banana Split. This was the one that my mates and I used to piss ourselves at. - i.imgur.com/wG5We.jpg

Photo 4 – Horny. To be honest, this was the one that made my mates and I feel a bit queasy. - imgur.com/8X84O

Photo 5 – The Work Out. I used to wonder why she had this attire on. - i.imgur.com/RKvvh.jpg

I have actually played proper card games with these cards in the past and I think I’ll keep them for a while longer yet.


EDIT: Links should now be ok, after initially being removed by the Internet police
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 12:31, 9 replies)

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 11:58, 2 replies)

Swimming Pool Flash
Went to the wave pool at White City, very cool girl with plunging neckline one piece had this washed away. The image was fantastic probably the second rude thing but the first not a photo.
(CarlosNotlaw Is doing the opposite of you at, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 5:14, 14 replies)

At the Park
A big thanks to Gary and the bad lads from West Court who showed a 10yr old carlos Playboy and men only whilst we were at the park.
(CarlosNotlaw Is doing the opposite of you at, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 5:06, 2 replies)

Not the first thing, but the oddest...
...was when I was in Hamburg in the late 70's as a young and very naive recruit in the Merchant Navy.
I went into a club in the Reeperbahn where you paid to watch videos on what looked like a retro gaming machine. I was greeted by the sight of a bloke in a Batman mask laying under a glass coffee table having a furious wank whilst an obese blonde woman dressed as a cat had a shit on top of said coffee table.

Things went back to normal when the spruiker outside the next club asked us if we wanted to watch a midget dressed as Hitler getting fucked onstage by a donkey.
Happy days...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 3:16, 2 replies)

Year two, infants school
We were in a circle being read some god-awful drivel by our teacher, all utterly bored. One girl, who was sitting just behind Mrs. Mandevitch, was so bored she pulled her schoolgirl knickers down and started wanking. Quite graphically. It was a good ten minutes until the story finished and she was caught.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 22:48, 12 replies)

watching una stubbs as aunt sally giving head to wurzell gummage as he put his thinking one on


Oh come on you didnt expect some thing decent here did you
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 22:38, Reply)

A nerdy kid.
I was a nerdy kid. Back in the 80s, when the world was monochrome and bleepy. At 8 years old, I was programming a ZX Spectrum. I could read through a program that was printed out and tell you what it does.

I would while away my hours in computer shops looking at all the games. I'd visit every newsagents in town to get my hands on a copy of Your Sinclair the minute it came out.

One day, I'm in the computer shop. I noticed a game on the shelf I hadnt seen before. Strip Poker. With a curious excitement, I lifted the box from the shelf to take a closer look. I flipped the box round to take check the screenshots.

Wow! My eyes were out on stalks! Look at that!! Amazing! I think it was the first time I actually felt a rumble in the joy department! I had seen something I had never seen before, and I liked it. I liked it alot! The quality, the curves! It was just beautiful! I had never seen such realistic computer graphics!
At that point, I knew it was time to upgrade to 16 bit and get an Amiga.
(Miggyman, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 22:17, 7 replies)

Fluid Mechanics
As an alumnus of the early 90s Key Stage 2 program, my sexual education began aged 10 with a cartoon about genitalia.

By my 11th birthday I knew far more about female anatomy and the act of reproduction than I’ll ever know again. I knew about fallopian tubes, I knew about wombs, I knew about ovaries, uteruses and the cervix. I knew that the male genes were carried by sperm. that sperm was mixed with seminal fluid and that both were called ejaculate.

So when my parents forgot to take their VHS of Trainspotting back to blockbuster I recognised the scene where a naked Kelly Macdonald rides Renton as ‘Sex’. Turns out knew bugger all about sex. Why were they so sweaty? Why did they need to pump up and down? Why were they saying things like ‘Uh nearly’ and making it look such bloody hard work? I had assumed the man would insert his penis, deposit the next generation and remove his penis; like a machine filling a donut.

I came to the conclusion that the mechanism of sex was more complicated. The man obviously inserted his penis, began to ejaculate and then had to carry on forcing out sperm until the woman was filled to the top of her fallopian tubes and the ovum had been reached. The passage of the fluid and eventual impregnation would be aided by vigorous pumping, like when I filled my bike tires, hence the sweating, the bouncing and the grunting.

I don’t know when I was disabused of this early belief, maybe when I began to ejaculate myself and realised I would never saturate a whole womb, but it was certainly a big part of my childhood sexuality. Even today if I’m watching porn and the woman shouts something like ‘yeah! fill me!!’ I can’t help but wonder how full she already is; past the cervix? Somewhere near the fundus?
(Asser, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 21:52, 5 replies)

For some Russians, perhaps...
...this.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 16 Aug 2011, 21:35, 1 reply)

Some time in the 1980s,
I went for a tramp in the woods. In hindsight, I don't know what I saw in him.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 19:39, 5 replies)

A Linda Lovelace movie...
...where she was sucking off a great dane.

The canine type, not the Hans Christian Anderson type.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 18:09, 5 replies)

Back in the early 80's aged around 11 a mate put on a very low quality pornos he'd found in house
It opened with an almost unwatchable scene in 'Tigeresses and other man eaters' where some lass was saying something almost indecipherable into a microphone as the picture jumped and skipped between colours of the rainbow.

The video then unscrambled into a few moments of clarity where she was heard to announce into the microphone,'I love sucking pricks.' And then proceeded to demonstrate her best sword swallowing skills on said microphone.

"Blimey. That's not a microphone is it?" or some such revelation was exlclaimed and my porno virginity was broken.

2 minutes later we went out to play in the nearby coal yard.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 16:30, 1 reply)

I got my first eyeful from Susie Monroe
in an "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" deal in primary school. Sadly the thrill was never repeated as she got fired and sent down for it shortly afterwards.

There's no way this hasn't bindun, now I think about it.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 15:11, 1 reply)

I'll show you mine, you show me all of yours...
Up until the age of 9 my Mum, Dad, Sister and me lived in a lovely old house at the top of a hill. I loved living here as it had a large barely overlooked garden and just loved the place in general.
Now having only lived here up until the tender age of 9 I can't have encountered any rudeness at that point... could I?..

One day when I was aged 7 or 8 my sister who is 3 years older than me had a group of her friends over who are also all 3 years my senior...

On that day we had a large tent up in the garden which I guess acted as a giant wendy / play house.
Now I don't really recall how this happened but I ended up in the tent with all my sisters friends heavily engaged in a session of you show me yours, I'll show you mine.
So there I am, the only male in this game proudly waving around "mine" with half a dozen or so older girls all keenly displaying theirs. This went on for what felt like a long time and it felt good! I liked this game.
Eventually my sister came back in the tent and told me to "put it away" and informed me that "it wasn't funny". By the time she'd uttered these words her friends were all covered up with just me left displaying the goods.

This would be my first rude thing (things I guess) I ever saw in the flesh. That said it was all very innocent at the time, at least for me ;-) Had this happened 5 or 6 years later I would've become a legend in my own lifetime, but alas there was no repeat.
(Bad_Dogg, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 12:11, 1 reply)

First thrill..
I still remember my first thrilling encounter with "rude-bits" even though it was 30 years ago now and hardly even rude by any objective standard. At age 7 or 8 I had no idea what had caused this rush because girls were still just slightly weird boys and puberty remained beyond the horizon, a distant half-lifetime away. Nonetheless, the effect was so great that the memory remains.

I had walked home from school with Caroline, who lived a few houses away and we had stopped in the playground that was the convenient halfway point in our walk. A wonderland of steel bars over concrete, held in place by lethal-edged rusting bolts, we still never seemed to sustain any lasting injury in the playground but this was no-doubt the cause of whatever minor trauma Caroline elected to show me on that summer afternoon.

"A girl shouldn't really show a boy her legs, it's rude" quoth the maiden, a sentiment that my youthful mind entirely failed to understand the logic behind until; BAHM! She drew up her skirt to reveal the top of a milky white thigh and perhaps the very hem of a dull and functional pair of little-girl knickers underneath.

Ten seconds before I would have thought nothing of this view. Now suddenly my breath was caught and my pulse was racing. It was years before I would understand why my head should swim in this way but instinct has a more powerful hold on us than we realse and something deep down roared at this introduction to the female form. Thirty years later it still does.*


*clarification by popular demand - I mean that I still enjoy the sight of the female form, rather than that I crave the knickers of 8-year olds. Apologies for any confusion there.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 11:48, 9 replies)

In the army cadets, we were sent to an army barracks in Germany.
I was about 14.

Of course porn was procured.

One of the older, bigger lads forcing the one German lad we had with us to sit at the front, and translate every single line spoken, under pain of punishment.

I seem to remember that the majority of the script was "Oh yes, yes - that is good."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 11:48, 7 replies)

I force all the women who work for me to dress like nurses.
Luckily I'm the administrator of a hospital.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 10:11, 4 replies)

My Nan
took me to the shops once and she held the door open to let past a lady who didn't say thank you.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 9:40, 4 replies)

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Riding through the glen
A Pearoast. This isn't the first thing I saw, but it has certainly stuck with me the most.

Through my teenage years, I have had a recurring memory, which follows.

I am watching Knightrider with my family. Then, when it finishes, I watch a doctor lying on a hospital gurney, being fellated by a nurse. I put this down to teenage hormones, maybe something I've dreamt.. dunno. But this memory would constantly come back to me, over, and over again. But it would irritate the living HELL out of me.

Well, until my Stag party in 2003, that was.

The boys were round, so was my Dad. We were drinking. All of a sudden, my Dad said "Ooooh, did I ever tell anyone the Robin Hood story?"

The story went thusly. My Sister and I (I was around 9 or 10 at this point) were apparently desperate to watch Robin Hood. It was after our bedtime, so he recorded it for us. Next night, the boys came round, and my Father watched a porno with them. You can probably see what's coming.

Sunday comes around. We watch Knightrider. Then "DAD!! Can we watch Robin Hood? Huh? Can we?" Video channel selected, video played. John Holmes is shoving his considerable cock down a nurses throat.

My Mum was apparently yelling "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFFF!!", whilst my Dad sat in complete shock, remote in hand, while my sister and I watched a bad man put his wee-wee down a lady's throat.

The relief was palpable. I had finally worked out what had been bugging me for THIRTEEN YEARS.

The results? An obsession with porn, and I vaguely remember spending time rolling round the living room floor, trying to give myself a blowjob.
(V3lvetPresley, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 8:26, 8 replies)

I led a sheltered life until I was about 15. I'd had boyfriends before of course, but all very innocent. However, at 15 I started going out with a lad of 16. We'd been going out for about a week when he suggested a walk in the local park. Attached to this park was a very secluded bit of overgrown woodland.. of course we ended up there. After the usual bout of tonsil hockey he decided to take things a little further by directing my hand down into his crotch. After quite a short space of time his penis managed to escape from his trousers. I'd never even seen a knob before that... very odd looking creature I thought. Still, he guided my hand a little until I got the idea, and all was going swimmingly for a while. Suddenly, however, I felt it start to twitch and throb in my hand. I looked down, wondering what was going on.

Now you must understand that I didn't have a clue what was about to happen, I was a very shy person, totally innocent of men and their wicked ways. I feel, therefore, that I can be forgiven for screeching in terror as he chucked his muck, and for letting go quite violently - almost throwing this pulsating, spitting, purple headed monster away from me.

I don't think he could forgive me though, for ensuring that our little tryst ended with him plastering his own face, neck and chest in his own ejaculate, since he never spoke to me again.
(Freakmandu, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 4:44, 5 replies)

The first rude thing I did see on the internet
Was circa the late 90's. While (most likely) searching through AOL for porn, I found Stileproject.com. It had the porn, and it introduced me to goatse, tubgirl, and even mutilated bodies. It was very rude, yet I still found myself going back at least weekly. It's not as interesting as it was, it's all porn last I checked.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 1:39, 8 replies)