Teenage drinking
I've mentioned before that I went to a rugger-bugger boarding school, and my hatred of being surrounded by too many bloody women (you try living with 63 of the buggers for five years, and you'll end up hating them too). I've also mentioned that I was quite lonely there, given my propensity for classical music, spending most of my time in the music school, the boat sheds or the fives courts, and being a film geek. I knew I was a geek, and was perfectly happy about it, until it was pointed out that being geeky was bad (they never explained why).

Anyway, one of my many abortive attempts to fit in with the coven of tanned, blonde-haired pubescent harridans-in-the-guise-of-angels that constituted my fellow boarders was by drinking. It was an unwritten rule: you come back from the holidays with a coke bottle filled with filched alcohol from daddy's liquor cabinet. For all the other girls, this was generally vodka or expensive brandy. Some of them were even bought bottles of malibu by their spoilt, lazy mothers ("shhh! don't tell daddy! It's our little secret, eh girls?!") in a late attempt to bond with their hormonally-imbalanced bitchy little crotchfruit.

I had no such luck. My parents would never give me alcohol to take back to school, as they didn't approve of breaking rules (although they were perfectly happy to indulge me in fine whiskies during the holidays, thankfully). So I raided their drinks, and took an inch off the top of everything, and mixed it all up. This resulted in a blend of several whiskies that it was a crime to mix with anything other than a bit of water, some home-made sloe gin, and some chatreuse. There was a mystery ceramic bottle in there as well, which I didn't touch as it looked too mysterious.

I took this foul mixture back to school, displayed it proudly in my domitory, took a long and confident swig, and promptly vomited it all back up again. It looked like toxic sludge, and smelled worse. I got laughed at, and the quality of my upbringing was called into question as obviously "my parents didn't have anything decent to drink". Philistines (the girls, not my parents).

So at half term, I took some from the mystery ceramic bottle in the drinks cabinet. The bottle was covered in faintly twee, badly-rendered pictures of bucolic Chinese life, had a wax seal, and was nearly full. The liquid inside looked like water, had the consistency of slightly oily water, and smelt like a mixture of Hitler's nob-cheese and Windowlene. I didn't taste it. Into the coke bottle it went, and back to school with it.

I turned up on the first night back, along with a gaggle of screaming imbeciles talking about boys and hollyoaks and daddy's new skiing lodge. The customary gathering of back-to-school alcohol started. I produced my bottle of clear liquid. "Chinese vodka" I smirked, when asked. "Sure, here you go!" was my answer when queen bitch wanted a swig. A heart cackle was my response when she took a hefty mouthful, choked slightly and started crying that her tonsils felt like they were dissolving. She'd taken a large mouthful of MouTai.

I still didn't fit in, but that was the first time I'd genuinely laughed at something amusing in months at that school.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 15:07, 15 replies)

I wonder what was in that bottle...
If such a thing as Chinese Vodka exists, I can't imagine it being tasty stuff! ^_^
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 15:23, closed)

more likely..
to be some rice wine or chinese whiskey...
either way, it's potent (and often badly-distilled) stuff!
(Chad, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 15:26, closed)

ninja edited!
it was called MouTai. Tastes like turps.

I bought my father a bottle of it when I was in China a couple of years ago, and we dared each other to do a shot. It brought serious tears to my eyes, but the alcohol hit immediately. We had another shot each for shits and giggles, and spent the rest of the evening laughing at my mother for no especial reason. I quite like the stuff now.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 15:27, closed)

One number to strike fear in the drinker.........
151.
That's the designation of Brughal's finest rum export. One-hundred-and-fifty-one degrees proof spirit. I first tried it in a bar in the Dominican republic, they made me put my cigarette out and warned me not to smoke for 10 minutes after trying it. I could hardly BREATHE for 10 minutes, let alone smoke!

A truly, truly awful drink. Excellent for degreasing stuff though!

YMMV
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 16:49, closed)

but...
is it as bad as Unicum?

That's the worst liquid I've ever willingly ingested, bar none. Oh wait, except for Gatoraid. That stuff is worse. But only just.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 10:21, closed)

having done the public school thing...
I can understand the type of hooray-henrietta taht you're talking about. Usually the sister of the fellow at my school, who would be called Brett or Spencer. Still, the local version of said harpy-haven was run by a closet lesbian who had "special friends" in the 6th form, the 5th formers were, en-masse, suspended for offering favours to lorry drivers arrving at the neighbouring Morrisons and it was pretty much guaranteed that if you wanted to, a bottle of own-brand vodka would get you into the knickers of any girl in the school...

I never partook of their pleasures for fear that my cock would explode on contact with their over-used spam flaps...

Still, their school got bought out by my old place as it meant they could build a swimming pool...how the Jocastas and Prunellas must have hated that. mwahahaha
(Chad, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 15:23, closed)

sounds right!
To be fair, some people at that school were ok. They were fellow geeks, and they're the only ones I'm in touch with. It makes me very happy to say that I'm doing good stuff in the music industry, my friends from that school are now variously living in Oz/New Zealand/have set up their own successful companies and are very happy.
Most of the bitches/tossers went into daddy's firm in the city or got given a job as an estate agent by Uncle Henry's firm. Lots of them are now looking for jobs.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 15:31, closed)

cough cough
St Marys cough cough cough
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 10:57, closed)

*coughcough*
closebutnocigar

*coughcough*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 11:32, closed)

I know
I was teasing!
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 12:47, closed)

hehe
I still maintain that St Mary's girls weren't as bad as those from the Perse or the Leys.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 12:56, closed)

So let me get this straight.....
There's a girl's boarding school, full of posh totty who like a bit of rough, willing to put out for a bottle of cheap booze?

Where the frigging hell was this information when I needed it? Fuckit.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 20 Jan 2009, 15:47, closed)

It's every girls' boarding school.
That's the law.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 17:14, closed)

Damn you aren't my old boss are you? I know she had a great love of her boarding days!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 19:13, closed)

hah
I hope not...
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 10:21, closed)