about 17 years ago...
whilst working at a local hotel owned by the son of my parents' old next door neighbours...

there was this guy...

who used to visit us sometimes on a sunday or monday evening...

my 2 favourite tales involve him...

he was (and is probably still) an arrogant twat...

he KNEW that monday night was Chef's night off. on a monday night he would often turn up 10 minutes before close of service, tart on arm, DEMANDING dishes from the full menu despite knowing that only a (slightly) reduced menu was on offer.

one particular monday she ordered the potted shrimp starter and shoulder of lamb with redcurrant sauce entree.
the twat ordered a DOUBLE PRAWN COCKTAIL ie twice the prawns, regular amount of salad. DESPITE there being no prawn cocktail on the menu. what a cock. for main course he WANTED the Tournedos Rossini which is basically a fillet steak on a big crouton topped with a slice of foie grasse with a sauce of demi-glace and madeirra and i can't remember what else.

this was not on the reduced menu.

which he knew.

CUNT

and he wanted it WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a troll!

washed down with 3 bottles of cotes du rhone.

all is going well until his main course arrives on a (warm) plate that is not "hot enough". this was 'par for the course' but still annoying.

"terribly sorry sir, will take care of that" says i (wanting to cunt him in the fuck), off to kitchen, transfers rossini to salver and pops under bottom of grill to keep warm. blaireau grabs fresh "dudson steelite tm" dinner plate from hot cupboard,(seeing the red rag he was shaking at my bull!) lights twin gas ring on hob and deposits plate above flames.

fresh pan and madeira and demi-glace produces re-vitalising sauce for the now tired steak.

literally glowing-red plate (I AM NOT FUCKING JOKING, THESE PLATES ARE FORGED BY SATAN HIMSELF TO TAKE THIS HEAT) welcomes rossini with a fizz and a splutter and the fresh sauce literally FROTHS with effervescent boiling energy, cooling the plate by maybe a hundred or so degrees.

even so, as i carried the dish the 15 yards from kitchen to table i could really feel the HEAT forcing its way through the many layers of my linen serving cloth.

as i approached table 5a the twat extended his arm to recieve his plate...

"i really wouldn't recommend touching the plate, sir. it is a little hot"

twat reacts by reaching out even further, almost grasping the still fizzing platter of meaty goodness.

"seriously sir, the plate is RATHER HOT AND I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU DON'T TOUCH IT"

i manage to negotiate the plate past his grasping paw and on to the table.

"once again sir, chef (me! cos real chef is off being a dirty shagger) literally took you at your word (ie is a pedantic angry twat) and the plate is RATHER HOT"

guess how many steps i managed from the table before i heard an anguished squeel?

5?

4?

3?

2?

1!

only 1!


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!


CUNT WITH A BURNT PAW!!!!!!




being the ever professional and ever compassionate blaireau69 i fetched him a wet cloth and some ice for his mitt.

i did manage to point out that he had been warned too, the tart agreed and he could only nod somewhat meekly...








and he left a £25 tip too!









a burning ring of fire!!!





and i also phoned da feds and got him busted for drink driving that night. they picked him up 400 yards from the hotel.



revenge is a dish best served cold?


naah, red hot is best!!



if i get enough replies then i'll post the other (very dodgy) second story about this twat!


length? it was on the gas for a full 3 minutes.
girth? about 270mm of glowing red ceramic.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 19 Sep 2008, 1:30, 4 replies)

more stories? pls?
Also, yes
gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 3:30, closed)

Oh yes!
More!
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 9:48, closed)

HA HA...
Quality Stuff... please sir/maam can I have some more?
(Master_Slob UK minister for cultural appropriation., Fri 19 Sep 2008, 11:58, closed)

Pleas sir?
Definitely more please! Good on you!
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 18:07, closed)