Contains food and sabotage - but - in a different way
I was with a girl for eight years. She meant the world to me and she made me the happiest man in the universe - well - that was until the day I found out she had been shagging her boss behind my back. I was devasted. Completely cut in half. Broken.

Fast forward two months, she goes off on holiday and I am in our house clearing the last of my stuff out. I was clearing under the bed I pulled out our box of erm "Toys" to get to box of junk.

I could physically hear my brain wurr into action.

Off I ran to the supermarket and purchased a packet of Scotch Bonnet chillies. These fuckers looked hot, very hot.

Once back home I covered each one in cling film and let them sweat in the sun for a few hours. I then cut them in half and made sure her rampant rabbit was given a liberal coating of pure fire. I let that coating dry and repeated, and repaeted and repeated. Each time the chillie fluid dried to an invisible layer of heat ray death.

One week later I had a phone call from the Ex. She was screaming and crying and swearing. It was safe to say she wasnt in a great mood.

"Whatevers the matter" I said (through laughter)
"AAAHHH MOOOTHHERR FUCKER IT BURNS" she poetically replied
"Oh dear...What burns"
"You mother fucker.....ahhhhhhhhh"
"sounds painful - I have to go now - good day" I laughed so hard I almost fainted

According to a friend - it took several baths and a yogurt douche to stop the flames - but - the bit that made the story for me was that she wasnt using it in a "self love" way. Her boss had used it on her. When she started screaming he thought she was cumming so pushed it in further and further.
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 11:44, 22 replies)

Sorry for asking...
But how long was she shagging her boss for?

Just kinda wondered, sorry :(
( Cawl, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 11:52, closed)

I will give this some clickage
Purely because of the yoghurt douche....

Sexcellent!
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 11:52, closed)

Kaol
I never really found out how long she was at it with him. I have been told different things by different people.

The odd thing is that I am actually happy that she did. Every cloud has a silver lining - this cloud was made of solid platinum set with 200 fist sized diamonds!
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 11:57, closed)

I don't know why I asked that
But thanks :)

One hundred revenge points!
( Cawl, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 11:59, closed)

Don't tell me...
... that *you* were the boss in question?
(Obsidian, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 15:22, closed)

Kaol
Are you a married Head Teacher for a Catholic Primary school called Kieron???
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 12:14, closed)

Made me laugh!
So it;s all good!

Glad you got shut mate!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 12:01, closed)

I like your style!
If not your poetic sense of revenge. Well, I say poetic, but by God you've given me an idea.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 22 Sep 2008, 12:15, closed)

Umm
This is really hilarious, obviously because she isn't with you she deserved to have an extreme skin irritant inside her REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS. I think she has had a lucky escape not being with what amounts to a mysogynistic dickwad.

Sometimes I wish I didn't come on this site.
(Turn that bloody gramaphone down has incorrect spelling in her username *WINS*, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 13:48, closed)

You've somewhat missed the point
it was the cheating that hurt most. Well, second most after the BURNING!
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 14:17, closed)

He has a point
People do cheat. It's something you can predict with a great deal of accuracy.

But somehow we turn what's common and normal into the idea that it's the most horrendous thing that can happen. Well it's not. Cancer is worse. Getting diabetes is worse. Having someone beat you up outside the pub is worse.

Hurting someone (and you may have although it looks like you got away with it) isn't something to be happy about.

Now excuse me while I go shag the secretary.
(clopinettes, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 15:05, closed)

If you don't like what people post, then don't come here.
I for one thought the post was funny. Click!
(hutchers, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 16:24, closed)

It
happens very rarely.

Thank you very much for helping me, I had no idea that if I actually wanted to stop coming to the site I could... stop visiting the site!!!111wowserz!!

*sticks tongue out*
(Turn that bloody gramaphone down has incorrect spelling in her username *WINS*, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 16:59, closed)

*two finger salute*

(hutchers, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 17:56, closed)

eh feck off
Then don't come on the website.. there ya go, sorted.

It's not like he covered the rabbit with the juice from a nasty staph infection is it?

sounds like the skank deserved it.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 17:03, closed)

It's not the not being with him, it's the cheating. I think.
If you don't want to be with someone, fine, break it off with them - don't go sneaking around behind their backs. Chilli burn isn't going to cause any permanent damage and might just give a little insight into the burning sense of betrayal that you have obviously been lucky enough to never experience.

And in any case, chilli isn't an 'extreme skin irritant' - caustic soda is an extreme skin irritant, chillis just hurt a bit. If he'd soaked the things in bleach, you'd have a point. As it is, he has a funny story, and you don't.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 21:53, closed)

That's right pal.
She did deserve it. pious git.
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Wed 24 Sep 2008, 13:15, closed)

Being Cheated On
Is something that the majority of us has and will go through? I understand that burying a child or watching a loved one slowly die is more horrific.

But

That does not excuse the fact that when someone who you have trusted and loved for the majority of your adult life does this to you, you are going to feel Hurt, then upset, then angry, then vengeful.

For two months I was a bit of a wreck, and then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got on with living my life.

As with the chili - police all over the world use pepper spray on peoples eyes. WITH NO LASTING EFFECTS.
If you really think that some scotch bonnet will leave a women infertile - you must be the sort of girl who is mature enough to stick up professional photos of herself attempting to look alluring and inviting just above a photo where she is publicly mocking a man solely on his lack of aesthetic features (or lack of camera awareness) - all on a site that advertises the "sick book of jokes" and "Tunnel or funnel" as one of its triumphs....isn’t that right gramophone?

Perhaps we both need some moral guidance


AGGG---AAHHHH....DO!...DO!....DO!
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 16:56, closed)

You go girl...uh, guy?
(Musuko, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 17:38, closed)

*click
that is so twisted! Reminds me of an old highschool party i went to. The town bike passed out on a couch with her legs spread, and some dickwad put tabasky sauce in her box. I heard about this when I asked, "what's that girl doing in the kitchen sink pouring milk down her panties?"
(dW3, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 15:07, closed)

"You like it like that, huh?"
Made pure poetry by the last line. I can imagine the scene....
(uncle whippity, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 18:06, closed)

You get a click hahaha

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 22 Sep 2008, 23:43, closed)