Wash your mouth out with...... well washing up liquid.
Picture the scene, four years ago I was with a lass who wasn't exactly lacking when it came to the mammary department. Anyway said lass lived a hundred or so miles away from me up in the land of Robin Hood - Nottingham. Anyhoo young(er) urbanbushmonkey trots off on the train to go see her.. gets off at the station and walks to her house, and generally young(er)ubm and his ex have a fantastic time together, that is until the final night... the dreaded conversation happens before the lovers go to sleep...

Ex: "i've been thinking maybe you should go home tomorrow, i'm not sure if this is working"
UBM: "oh? why would you think that"
Ex: "Things are just fucked at the moment... im going to sleep now.. night love you"

And with that she fell asleep right next to the poor bewildered UBM.

UBM awake the next morning to find his ex gone, she'd gone to work leaving him alone in her house...

Lightbulb blinks above UBM... Revenge time.

So UBM proceeds down to the kitchen, to her shelves in the cupboard and fridge and decides to wreak havoc.

Chocolate dipped in washing up liquid.
Crushed laxative sprinkled into coffee granules
And then the final piece - I fwapped one out into her bottle of milk.......


Left her a note saying I understand how she felt and that I thought we were lacking something too and hopefully we could maybe be friends in the future....



Was with some satisfaction sometime later that I learned she'd been violently ill after eating the chocolate. And the doctor couldn't work out why she was going to the bathroom a lot more than usual. It was only after she changed her coffee from Caffeinated to Decaf that the symptoms mysteriously disappeared.

Karma should reward me, I gave her some extra protein in her diet from my addition to her milk =).



Four years on and I still hate the bitch.... I can't believe I wasted 6 months on the whore, especially as I found out she cheated on me with 4 different guys......



Length? It wasn't length that caused her to dump me.... she was just incapable of closing her legs it seems.
(urbanbushmonkey, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 2:07, 6 replies)

Do you kick off like this every time you get dumped?

( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 9:10, closed)

What MoC said.
Maybe she just didn't want to be stuck in a relationship with a whinging twat. Or maybe she preferred to be with someone who could write.
(Star Wars Starwarsy McStarwars Face, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 9:17, closed)

i agree
why do people go ape shit when they get dumped?

Its better than stringing a relationship along for the sake of one person, whilst the other is unhappy. Grow up.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 9:43, closed)

Wow...
It must be hard, being such a cunt.
I'm not surprised she ditched you.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:54, closed)

5thd
You fucking stroker
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:59, closed)

I tell you what,
I understand your hurt but you have in no way had the worst relationship ever. You didn't live together, have children together, catch an STI from her or get beaten by her.

Try someone giving you an STI and panic attacks everytime someone shouts at you for the forseeabe future, my close friend is still dealing with this two years on BECAUSE SHE HAS NO CHOICE.

Women are whores just as much as men are.
(Turn that bloody gramaphone down has incorrect spelling in her username *WINS*, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:14, closed)