A guy I used to work with…

named Keith, was the type of person whom one could vehemently categorise as a ‘proper cunt-twitch’.

His crime? – Amongst general twattery, he was a ‘copy-cat’ of the highest order. Keep up with the Joneses? He tried to keep up with the Smiths, the Joneses, the Patels and in one particularly tragic case, the Ngumbmbas

I hated him, he hated me, but it was mostly a cowardly, unspoken hatred…yet he still copied everything I did. One time I was overheard mentioning to my friends that I had invested a large share of my savings into an account with the famous South African Reserve Bank (SARB) as a going concern. Not 5 minutes later, he was boasting that he’d done the same thing. I expressed an interest in Indian religion and got a wonderful little porcelain Taj Mahal for my desk…Keith goes and does exactly the same thing.

Well, this went on and on, and at first I considered ‘pretending’ to be interested in something…just to see if the scrotesack would follow suit. But then I thought of a much more cunning ploy...

I would piss in his tea. Mwwahaahaaa etc.

Smarmily watching on as he sipped at my seepage, the look in his eyes was priceless as he realised something ‘didn’t quite taste right’ and he slowly put 2 and 2 together.

How I ‘lol’led…but my merriment was short lived, as I was forgetting his copy-cat, one-upmanship issues.

The next time I received a drink, there was a monumentally girthsome brown trout poking out from the top of my mug. I glanced over to see Keith almost prolapsing with mirth.

‘Time to turn up the heat’ I thought.

Never to be outdone, the following tea round saw Keith handed a veritable vichyssoise of ‘I can’t believe it’s not bell-end butter’, hand cracked by me into his prized ‘Wallace and Gromit’ cup.

Well, that was the straw that broke Keith’s camel…or whatever the expression is. He launched the mug across the room in disgust and shouted ‘THAT’S.FUCKING.IT!’

He challenged me there and then…and I gleefully accepted, I had been waiting for years to give the fucker a taste of the back of my hand…

‘Come on then!’ I taunted. But Keith had other ideas. He said we should have a duel…and the loser would have to leave the company forever.

‘Erm....ok...But what weapons would we use?’ I asked.

To my utter disbelief, Keith then offered two options. He said that we could either show each other the bank books from our investment to see who had the most money, or measure up the porcelain trinkets from our desks to see which one was the biggest. That way we would realise who was best.

Instantly recognising these suggestions as an act of purest mentalism, I promptly proceeded to punch him squarely in the face, beat him to the ground with his chair and threw him out bleeding into the street with his miniature souvenir building lodged firmly up his dirtbox.

I never saw him again. But that, dear comrades, is the story of my…

Feud: SARB or Taj?

/coat

Look, at least I left it until Thursday :)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 9:43, 15 replies)

Ohh dear God
That was ghastly.

Please restrict yourself to one pun a month.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:06, closed)

Christ.
Other than the general crapness (but in a good way of course) you are going to have to enlighten me on what the hell a SARB is.

At first I thought it was a badly spelled SAAB, but seeing a distinct lack of South African/financial connection there, I assume I am wrong. As usual.

And here's yer coat by the way...

*gives oversized duffle coat assuming it is yours*
(Spreddum O Grrrr. That's my vicious circle, that is., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:08, closed)

Ah, Spreddum...

The South African Reserve Bank is known as SARB.

apparently. Well, that's what Google (the source for most of my shit punnage) says anyway.

It was a toughie - but I didn't want to go for the 'Saab' reference as it's already been used.

*receives coat*

*realises it's not mine*

*checks for any wallets or spare change*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:25, closed)

I don't care if the puns are crap
I love reading your stories and this one cheered me up no end as I lie here on my death bed.*






*May be slight exaggeration but poorly bed doesn't have the same ring.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:17, closed)

You still poorly love?

the huggles I sent last time must have had little effect.

*sends stronger, harder huggles*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:27, closed)

Not too hard please...
Or I'll end up coughing up my nasty infected kidneys...nice.

Yes, still poorly and now with the hospital on speed dial - if I get bad pains I have to go in as the dr now thinks it could be stones on top of the infection.

If I have got kidney stones I want them made into a pair of earrings.

:)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:47, closed)

Good story
Rubbish pun.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:24, closed)

Oh, dearie me.
Dearie, dearie, dearie me.





Christ. I'm turning into a grandmother.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 10:33, closed)

Fucking.
Hell...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 11:15, closed)

oh dear god
telegram to Pooflake.

dear pooflake[stop] please please please[stop]

/more blackadder theft
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 11:24, closed)

Oh I dunno
One of the better things on here this week.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 12:11, closed)

Yep!
Tend to agree.
(Sir Clitherington Smythe offers him yourself., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 14:30, closed)

"Brown trout"
That, along with the terrible, convoluted narrative pun gets you a click.
(LLamaBoy skived off work on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 12:50, closed)

Mr. Poo...
Anyone ever told you that you're the highlight of the QOTW?
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 13:21, closed)

That one
actually made me say:

"Oh, my God" out loud in the office.

Keep 'em up though! ;-) Clickedy!
(dchurch bah, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 13:21, closed)