Bedsit hell
For my final year at uni I moved into the grottiest house in the grottiest street in the grottiest part of Reading. The area was called "Newtown" which may have been true when the cramped terraced houses were built in the late 1800's, but the name was nothing but ironic in 1997. A few years ago a chef who lived on the same road committed suicide by parking his car on a level crossing. One sympathises.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/suicidal-chef-drove-to-track-after-work-532577.html

This house was a treasure-trove of all things nasty. The previous occupants had been 4 student lads who had done their utmost to live like pigs for 2 years. The day we moved in they were all still in residence (asleep) and we had to quite literally kick them out. They left most of their stuff...the once white bed sheets were brown as they had never been cleaned and the pile of dirty underwear had a trig-point at the summit. The place was filthy and disgusting, we found fag ends and porn mags everywhere, really cheap nasty ones like Razzle. Basically it looked a bit like the house of that old guy on "A life of grime" who never threw anything away, but with more porn.

I had the downstairs bedroom; there was a large cupboard that extended under the stairs. I chucked all of the previous occupants clothes, sheets and assorted crap in the cupboard and set about cleaning the room. Everything had to be hoovered and/or bleached to make it habitable. I found a £20 note under the mattress that I took as arsehole tax for my troubles.

Months passed and eventually I realised it had to be done. I had to clear out the cupboard. Most of it went in the bin (including the brown sheets), some items were less soiled and were given to a charity shop. I discovered the world’s smallest and oldest heated blanket, about the size of a face towel with a very old non-standard plug. I named it the "Deathtrap3000" and promptly threw it away. When the cupboard was finally clear, I grabbed my rechargeable torch and crawled into the area that extended under the stairs, just to make sure everything had been removed. What I found made my jaw drop, written on the wall in this cramped space were dozens of names, dates and initials, and in big letters someone had scrawled in what looked like the gibberings of a madman "BUELLER THE DRILLER". Then my torch failed and I was plunged into darkness. I think the whole of Berkshire heard my "FUUUCCCKKKKK!”

I never ventured into the area under the stairs again, I certainly didn’t add my name to the crazy list of the damned and I have never discovered who or what "Bueller the driller" is.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:49, 8 replies)

mahoosive click
that is truly heinous.

i am loving the "arsehole tax". i may implement this myself.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:20, closed)

Why thank you Miss Swipe
The application of arsehole tax is useful when in possession of assets once belonging to complete arseholes. However, I’m not sure that it is recognised by Her Majesties Revenue and Customs. Yet.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:31, closed)

how about tax
for being an arsehole?

or does that have a different title?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:41, closed)

Sounds like a great idea
However, is an arsehole likely to pay his tax? I suggest using the "TaxCollector3000" which is a baseball bat with a nail driven through the end.

Tax doesn't have to be taxing.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 12:46, closed)

hmmm.
maybe arsehole tax should be a stealth tax.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 14:34, closed)

I always thought...
VAT* actually IS arsehole tax...

* VAT stands for 'Vague Additions to the Total' - FACT!**

** May not actually be true
( snee held his breath since, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 11:19, closed)

Preposterous!
I shall be boarding up my anus immediately.

Arsehole Tax indeed!
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:08, closed)

and the pile of dirty underwear had a trig-point at the summit.
Wonderful. Clickety.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 5:14, closed)