Drunken wandering..
Not me, but a friend of the (now ex) fiancé..

Your average big country lad, bit thick, jolly as santa and one of these that always has that drink too many and decides to start adventuring.

Out in some town or other, goes out on the drink. Has aforementioned drink too many, decides to hit the road. Ends up crossing fields, back roads, you name it. Now, me or you would think "hmm, too far. Ill ring a taxi from that building up there." Nope.

Enters building "Ooh, finger buffet. Score." Munching away, drunken sway, noone around. Cant beat that, till people start filing into the room. People in suits and their sunday best. Fair few of them are pretty damn old too.

Que being sprung outside by some of the blokes, feeling a little rejected. Turn around. Funeral procession.
(bredstkcriminal, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 3:43, Reply)

waspish?
I'm wondering if the opening lines to "The Crow Road" could be worked into Iain Banks funeral, it being one of the best funeral references in recent literature: "It was the day my grandmother exploded".
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 22:12, 1 reply)

Factoid V
There has never been a record.
TAKE THAT ROY CASTLE
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 21:41, 1 reply)

I've managed to get Kirikou out of the dead Blu Ray player so you can all stop panicking now.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 20:29, 4 replies)

I was playing rock and roll and you were just a fan,
but my guitar couldn't hold you so I split the band...
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 20:13, 1 reply)

my nan
died 28 years ago and is not missed for many reasons.

during the wake, one of the pallbearers who hadn't seen her in about 20 years remarked to my dad "she must have lost a lot of weight, she was easier to carry than i thought she'd be"
my dad looked at him and said "that's because she had no legs."
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 16:55, 2 replies)

FUNERAL FACTOID IV
hearses traditionally play music when theyve run out of large 'MUM' flower arrangements.
(magictorch, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 16:16, 4 replies)

We had to travel over to Hull...
...which was bad enough in itself without the added mess of it being Mrs Airman Gabber's Gran's funeral.
On the upside we'd been told that we'd also get to meet her cousin's newborn baby which was quite nice.
We'd nearly all filed into the chapel and were waiting for things to proceed as said cousin and her fiance rock up carrying a baby carrier. As she plonked it down we both had a quick peek at the wee-un. I raised an eyebrow at the wife who had a wry smile on her face.

Later on we confronted Mrs Airman Gabber's parents,"You didn't tell us that the baby was... well... it isn't the same colour as her fiance!"

"I know. We didn't tell you as we wanted it to be a surprise! Funny eh?"

I think the last time the 'happy' couple were seen together was at that funeral.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 16:03, 1 reply)

Nan's funeral
My Nan's funeral took place in Wales up a steep winding hill. The hearse arrived and the coffin was loaded then the car for her sons and daughters duly followed. Now my Dad and his siblings are a load of fatties and there are six of them so when the elongated limousine turned up my uncle turned and said to everyone "We'll soon find out if it's a cut and shut!"
(RobNob, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 15:44, 2 replies)

Factoid the third:
There has never been a recorded fatal accident.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 15:33, 2 replies)

Factoid II
There has never been a recorded fatal accident involving a horse.
( rofl harris, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 15:30, Reply)

Funeral Factoid
There has never been a recorded fatal accident involving a hearse.
(magictorch, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 14:27, 12 replies)

Mama - just killed a man
Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger; now he's dead.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 11:07, 8 replies)

Honest feedback
On a recent Easter holiday with the family, we visited an Island that was used as a convict gaol 170 years ago.

We had a walk through the old grave yard that had the bodies of the white officials and their family's who died on the island buried in it. Most of the ten or so graves where for babies. My youngest thought this was a bit rough and said he wanted to say a prayer.

My wife and I aren't religious at all but, religious freedom and all that.....

Dear God,
Thank you for the tree's and plants,
Thanks for the animals and food,

but,
about these babies. I'm very disappointed with you about these dead babies.
I am sure you could have tried harder and I hope you will do better in future.
thank you.

He seemed to feel better about things after that.

bs/co - I don't have any funeral stories
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 10:35, 3 replies)

FOAF story about undertakers
My mum's friend reckoned she overheard this convo on a bus:

'Eeeh Ethel, how's that daughter of yours? Settled down yet?'
'Yes, she's just got engaged!'
'Oooh I hope he gave her a nice ring!'
'He did! Seventeen rings, he gave 'er!'
'Seventeen? He must be loaded! What does he do?'
'He's an undertaker!'
'Oh, how... nice.'
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 8:08, 4 replies)

Funeral Procession
I was with a large contingent of Kayakers heading up to wales when we came to some trafficlights which stopped half the funeral cortege, so the Three cars, all with two kayaks on top were now in the middle of a long line of dark cars, with wooden kayaks inside.
Its not that funny unless you were there, and I was, and it wasnt really that funny then, either
(lordy lordy, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 23:41, 3 replies)

It was a difficult time
for my Mom's side of the family. She had only one sibling and no cousins to speak of, and Fred's wife Joanna had only one sibling, a developmentally disabled woman who had spent most of her life in institutions.

Joanna had died of cancer. Both Fred and Jo were doctors, so they knew the real scoop almost immediately, and she chose to forgo treatment in favor of a morphine drip at home with her favorite foods. It took far too long for her to go, really, so when she went it was something of a relief.

Nonetheless it was hard for Fred and his kids, so Mom insisted that my sisters and I go with her to the memorial service in support of her side of the family. We did, of course, and it was a teary occasion. Their oldest son made a speech which was both funny and sad as he told of his dad having no idea how to cook and thinking that the microwave was some strange sort of TV. His descriptions of his mother taking most of her calories through hot fudge sundaes now that she didn't have to worry about getting fat got a laugh, leaving us all a bit misty, and even the sister stood up to speak a very few words.

After we went to Fred's house for the reception, and he was very happy to see all of us there. Mom was very supportive, even though she and Joanna had never really gotten along well- they were two extremely strong-willed women, so the clash was inevitable. Mom was a force to be reckoned with in her day, verging on domineering, which Jo disliked- probably because she was pretty similar.

As we stood there, Mom spotted Jo's sister in the crowd. She quietly said to me "I should go over and introduce myself, as she probably doesn't remember me."

I watched as Mom made her way to the sister, Mom smiling and showing a very sympathetic expression as she introduced herself. I saw the sister give a look of recognition and say a few words, at which point Mom's expression changed to something very odd. She recovered and smiled again and spoke, then made her way toward me with the same shocked expression I had seen across the room.

"Well? How did it go?"

"I told her who I was and she said, 'Oh, I know you! You're the one Joanna always referred to as the General!'" Mom said this in a deeply offended tone, rage starting to show through.

I looked at Mom's fury building and about pissed myself laughing. After a moment of shocked offense at me her expression cracked and she laughed harder than I had seen in years. We stood there gasping with tears running down our faces and holding each other up as the others stared in surprise.

Jo, I know that you didn't mean it to be funny, but thanks for that. Even Fred cracked up later when she told him.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 18:51, 5 replies)

check em

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 17:42, 4 replies)

QOTW is dead.
Quote

* not been asked on this site before

Unquote

FFS.
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 17:38, 1 reply)

It was then I realised I had the sat nav in my pocket
and it clearly said so the who church could hear

"Sla linksaf"

Imagine my embarrassment not only had I left it on I'd managed to switch it to dutch. Grandma hated foreigners
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 16:18, 1 reply)

My youngest burst into tears when I told her we were going to visit Granny and Grandpa in Devon

...she thought I'd said Heaven.

Ironically, Granny did die shortly afterwards
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 16:08, 5 replies)

My real name is Stuart, I am from East Yorkshire, and recently my granny ‘threw a seven’...

It was down to me to make the arrangements *sads*

I wasn’t sure where to hold the memorial service so I asked a knowledgeable mate if he knew of any good churches / crematoriums in the local area. He replied simply: ‘Few…near ‘ull, Stu
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 14:47, 1 reply)

omg sum1 v important 2 me died once an its not funny right
because i rilly loved them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 14:40, 10 replies)

Last year, my Great Uncle died.
All very sad, a well respected if eccentric ex army officer. Well known and loved in and around Tetbury where he lived for many years.

He had been ill for quite some time and had planned funeral proceding down to the nth degree (including timings for people to be places!). The only thing he hadn't told anyone other that the vicar was his choice of music everyone would exit the church to. When it came to leave, we all filed out to the tune of 'Colonel Bogey' ( www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecpVzEnwyLU ). Everyone left with a big smile on their faces, making a tough day end on a cheery note. So for that Great Uncle John, thank you.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 13:57, Reply)

I told you I was ill

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 11:14, 1 reply)

A few months before they got married
friends of ours; Jehoshaphat and Agneta went traveling around the globe. For them, it was their "last hurrah" before tying the knot. They could each let their respective hairs down, have some guilt-free fun, no holds barred & no repercussions for either of them.
They chose to stay for a while with Jeff's cousin Alberto who is a stripclub owner cum funeral home director cum amusement park operator in Las Vegas.

Jeff & Ange spent a couple of weeks in LV running amok. They spent a lot of time at some strip clubs, and a popular amusement park. They enjoyed lots of rides, ate a lot of junk food and saw a lot of naked women and men.

They were on a bit of a time budget so after a couple of weeks they hired a car and headed East.
Right after crossing the state boundary from Nevada they were pulled over by a State Trooper from Utah.
He asked them many questions about their activities in the neighboring state.
He asked them if they had been drinking - they said no. He asked them all about their activities in LV including the dead penguin found in their hotel room. They declared no knowledge of it. They were finally asked about what sort of recreational activities they had been up too in LV.
Jeff answered as to their activities in the hotel room. Ange answered them as to what they got up to out & about. She was heard to say
"Fun? Er.. Al's too." in answer to where they had celebrated their honeymoon as well as where they had buried the penguin and had a day at a fun park.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 11:03, 21 replies)

I was really hungry for some brain food, so imagine what I said to express my relief when I found some:
"Phew! Neural stew!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:08, 4 replies)

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."
- /qotw, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:58, 10 replies)

When my Nan died we went to the funeral director to organise it all
only to find that it had all been done for us. About ten years previously, when all her marbles were still intact, my Nan had gone down there to book and pay for her own funeral so all that was left for us to do was make some of the aesthetic decisions and sign a few papers. It might seem a little odd to pay for your own funeral but for a grieving family it was very much appreciated and my Nan was always thrifty - by my reckoning she saved at least a couple of grand that way. Unless I go unexpectedly it's something I'd definitely look into.

The things we added - we had a New Orleans jazz band march in front of the hearse and went around the block with them a few times before setting off to the crem. Afterwards we went to the local pub and had chips and egg sandwiches like she used to make.

Apologies for lack of funnies, there were laughs that day but they weren't the kind that would mean anything outside of the family.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:07, 28 replies)

Optimist
Bit of pea roast.
When my grandma passed away I went with my parents and my cousin to visit her body in the chapel of rest. She'd been
in hospital for a few weeks after having a stroke and unfortunately it had all gone down hill from there.
We were shown to the room and I was slightly surprised to see a handmade card in my grandma's hand.
It read:
"Get well soon Nan"
(FootOfTim, Mon 15 Apr 2013, 22:22, 1 reply)