I hate to be somber and change the mood, but I am going to.
I've started to arrange my own funeral. I'm early 30's and have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder that has attacked my organs, in a not too happy clappy way; they're broken.

The thing is, I don't really like big ceremonies, and I am tight fisted, so I don't want anything more than a cardboard box and then to be cremated. I haven't decided where to have my ashes put. But I can't stress how much I don't want a song nor dance.

It's quite weird having to do this type of stuff, it's almost as though you're writing instructions for someone else. I hope everyone can remember me with laughter, but it pains me that people will be upset.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 15:47, 27 replies)

Erm..
I don't want a song nor dance

but

it pains me that people will be upset

Take the Irish approach. Add song and dance to the plans until the upset is diluted out.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 15:57, closed)

Perhaps I stated that incorrectly, I don't want any lavish affairs, as such is the want of my family in these situations. Of course I want people to laugh, get pissed, but my family are always over the top and I don't like it. They waste money on stupid things, and I want simple. Selfish perhaps, but I want them to perhaps have a holiday, buy a new car, help my brother out with his new house, rather than wasting money on flowers and shti that I couldn't careless about.

I know people will not like it, but when I'm konked, remember me, but don't put a stupid financial burden on yourself.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:05, closed)

It's not about you
It's about them. If they feel that a bunch of flowers and a black suit will help them cope better, why try to deny them it? My own funeral instructions are "Do what you want with me, and have whatever sort of funeral you choose. I won't care."
(ubergeekian, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:55, closed)

Got a camcorder?
You could "host" your own service if someone can provide a DVD player and TV or projector on the day. Un-listed copy to YouTube (with the link given out on the day) optional.
( eXOBeX, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 2:01, closed)

Well, that sucks.
Not much I can say that would really mean anything. Sorry to hear it though.

What's your timescale?
(username failed moderation, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 15:59, closed)

Seeing a new consultant next week, as I don't like my current one, he said 12 months, but was really vague.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:16, closed)

If you want to do some stupid shit, and can't find a stupid person to help out,
give me a yell.
(username failed moderation, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:17, closed)

Can I have your stereo?

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:01, closed)

oh, you cunt
i just blew a chunk of coleslaw out of my nose
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:03, closed)

Ha!

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:11, closed)

first dibs wins
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:15, closed)

Hurrah!

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:16, closed)

they'll be upset no matter what
but as long as you make sure their last memories of you are happy ones, they won't be sad for long. as the song says, you'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:02, closed)

You could arrange for
a fake arm to fall out of the coffin at an inappropriate moment.
(username failed moderation, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:04, closed)

^THIS

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:06, closed)

I would pay money for that, or a timed mp3 player to come on at the right time with groans, shouting and swearing. I am sure that's configurable.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:14, closed)

A little bell
on top of the coffin, which rings just as the doors to the oven open.
(username failed moderation, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:16, closed)

heat sensor
attached to a recording device with taped screaming on it
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 16:33, closed)

Oh lordy, You just won
and probably made feedingtime cry.
(username failed moderation, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 17:24, closed)

i have a slightly evil streak

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 14:20, closed)

Sooo.....
...as the curtains roll together sombrely, you could have the strains of Silver Sun's "Golden Skin" waft gently through the PA. You could run a sweepstake on the first one to burst out laughing.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 11 Apr 2013, 17:30, closed)

You can have your ashes cast into a memorial statue.
Go for a massive schlong. Or a pair of chintzy little spaniels.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 18:15, closed)

I'm considering having my ashes fed to my cats, so when they kark it they cam be stuffed and freak everyone out. Otherwise, rather than spaniels tarantulas, as no one really likes them so it will miff people off.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 18:49, closed)

If you're going to be fed to the cats then you don't want to waste money on a cremation.
Just have them leave your corpse out on a dump.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 20:05, closed)

After being heavily
involved in helping a family arrange a funeral earlier this year, you need to make it very clear what you want before you go or better still plan it WITH them now. Otherwise everyone has their own ideas and it becomes a bugger to decide in the midst of grief. I think you should insist on 'Disco Inferno' right at the end though. :)
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 11 Apr 2013, 20:40, closed)

Bummer
A hearty consolation hug to you. Have you thought about donating your parts of your body? It always seems like such a waste to burn it (and I like recycling). Sometimes it is hard for those around you, but if you talk to them before hand, then it makes it easier.
I am sure that you think that the ill body parts make you less useful, but I can assure you that there are plenty of doctors who would beg to differ. If you are feeling generous, there is always science. Bodies with unusual pathologies are very useful for teaching, and it is rare to get young people donate. Please think about it.
(justin(e), Fri 12 Apr 2013, 6:53, closed)

May not suit you but
my parents neighbour had time to plan her funeral too. She organised a big party and at an alotted time she was driven away to be cremated on her own while everyone carried on partying.

Sorry you got such a crap deal with your health.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 14:37, closed)