In which emvee looks a bit of a twat at his grandad's funeral
When my grandad bought the farm I was living in London at the time, so on the day of the funeral I had to drive up to the Midlands, pick up the rest of the family and continue up the M1 to Barnsley where the service was being held. It was a lovely sunny day and (as this was before I'd had my eyes lasered) I'd driven up there wearing my prescription sunglasses.

So anyway, we made it to the crematorium with only a minute or so to spare before the service started and as I got out of the car I couldn't find my real glasses anywhere, which left me with two options - go through the service as blind as a bat, or wear my prescription sunglasses throughout, which would undoubtedly mark me out as a bit of a twat. I chose the latter, but I probably shouldn't have worried as the very fact that I had worn a suit meant that I stood out from almost all of the rest of the mourners, who had apparently just turned up in whatever they happened to be wearing at the time.

On the way back we stopped into a pub to relax a bit and raise a glass to my grandad. When my sister ordered a glass of red wine the landlady's eyes registered a flash of panic but in the end she found that she had a tiny little one-glass bottle at the back of the bar that had about an inch of dust on it.

It is indeed grim up north.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 14:12, 17 replies)

I read the first sentence.
And for some reason thought to myself 'Ooo, what type of farm was it? Dairy? Sheep?'
I am a twat.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 14:38, closed)

Hahaha
Euphemisms FTW
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 14:45, closed)

Hahaha saying 'FTW' haz teh funniez on teh interwebs!!!!!
Prick.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 15:35, closed)

Fucking tedious wanker?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 15:53, closed)

nickin dis

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:04, closed)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:31, closed)

'drimble, booby....'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:41, closed)

in which
looks
is
bit of
at his grandad's funeral
When my grandad bought the farm I was living in London at the time, so on the day of the funeral I had to drive up to the Midlands, pick up the rest of the family and continue up the M1 to Barnsley where the service was being held. It was a lovely sunny day and (as this was before I'd had my eyes lasered) I'd driven up there wearing my prescription sunglasses.

So anyway, we made it to the crematorium with only a minute or so to spare before the service started and as I got out of the car I couldn't find my real glasses anywhere, which left me with two options - go through the service as blind as a bat, or wear my prescription sunglasses throughout, which would undoubtedly mark me out as a bit of a twat. I chose the latter, but I probably shouldn't have worried as the very fact that I had worn a suit meant that I stood out from almost all of the rest of the mourners, who had apparently just turned up in whatever they happened to be wearing at the time.

On the way back we stopped into a pub to relax a bit and raise a glass to my grandad. When my sister ordered a glass of red wine the landlady's eyes registered a flash of panic but in the end she found that she had a tiny little one-glass bottle at the back of the bar that had about an inch of dust on it.

It is indeed grim up north.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 15:33, closed)

As a Barnsley emigrant
I moved away and picked up a habit for red wine and got an idea of roughly which kinds I liked.

The wife and I returned to Barnsley to live for a bit, popped in the boozer and optimistically asked what kind of wine they had.

The answer, red and white.

I think this is only a Barnsley/Small town problem though, in Leeds we have a blissful array of choices.

PS. Stay down south we dont want any southern riff raff up here
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 15:36, closed)

One of my friends used to own an off license in Muswell Hill.
He had two very excited Northern customers in there one day, raving on about this incredible wine they'd had on holiday and it was so nice they wrote the name down and did he stock it or could he order it in for them etc etc. They handed him a grubby scrap of paper on which was written...



...


...'vin de table'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:03, closed)

Does not surprise me
in the least.

Was one out with a girl who asked the wine waiter for Lambrini.

God she was classy
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:07, closed)

Hahahaha
I vaguely remember the first time I heard that - was it The Two Ronnies? Or a Carry On?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:26, closed)

Yeah, being born in Doncaster I don't think I qualify as "southern riff raff"
Though it is slightly more southern than Barnsley
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:08, closed)

Barnsley
is the north pole so yes you do count.

And you've most likely been contaminated by association
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:11, closed)

do are a massive fucking
o
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 16:15, closed)

Eh, I've lived in Doncaster, Barnsley and Leeds, as well as the West and East Midlands and now the south
and I don't think there's enough money in the world to pay me to go back north
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 17:14, closed)

So you've only ever lived in the south then?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 17:18, closed)