SEA OF VOM
The recent outbreak of piggy sniffles reminded me of the bet I made with one of my delinquent gang of halfwits that led to the closure of my school and cautionary letters being sent out to every parent advising them not to panic.

My mate Toots, Paul Toothill, would do just about anything for a fiver. He was the source of hours of endless entertainment – getting Toots to perform like the poorly shaved orangutan he was proved even more enjoyable than trudging home at dinner time and wanking over reruns of Sesame Street - there was just something strangely alluring and at the same time slutty about Grundgetta Grouch (Oscar's hot girlfriend) wasn't there?

Anyway; back to Toots. During the lunch break, sat round in the canteen eating reconstituted shit with added shit on the side, smeared in shit, with a choice of shit to sprinkle on this medley of spectacular shit that passed as food, a bet occurred to me.

“Toots,” I said. “Would you eat some of my shit for a fiver?”

Toots raised his big ginger head and pondered for a moment. Then he shrugged and said matter-of-factly: “For a fiver? ‘Course!” You could do a shitload in Coventry with a fiver back then – you could purchase more glue than you could sniff in a month, or if you went to Mr. Patel’s corner shop you could acquire one of his under the counter, fruity as fuck Swedish jazz mags and still have change for a Cornetto.

But there was a problem. I didn’t have a shit brewing. My colon was emptier than Gary Glitters spunk sack at a Toys R Us January sale. “I’m running on empty at the minute, Toots. Should be able to sort something out by afternoon break.”

Toots actually sighed despondently – the lad was a real trooper and really, really wanted to eat my shit.

Thankfully, my mate Greg who was sat on the same table piped up: “I’ve got a doozy brewing.” Toots and I turned to Greg. He stared back at us with an evil grin on his mong-twat face: “Ohh, it’s a biggun…”

So, moments later Toots and I are in the crowded schoolyard, kicking our heels, waiting for Greg to birth his steamy backdoor baby. After a few minutes Greg appears cradling something in one of those cheap scratchy paper towels you get in school toilets.

“This is fucking great!” He declared as he passes the paper towel and its contents over to Toots.

Toots unwraps it like he’s about to attack a kebab after ten pints. And stating us in the face is the biggest, hardest, longest turd I have ever seen in my life. It was so fucking big if it’d been fired out of a torpedo tube it would’ve easily sunk the Bismark.

“Fuck me…” was all I could say.

Obviously, this after-dinner delicacy had received the attention of several other kids in the yard. A small crowd had gathered. Toots examined the turd for a moment, considering the best way to tackle it, and then in one swift motion he brought it up to his mouth and took a healthy bite - chunks of sweetcorn and all - and chewed with his mouth open for all to see.

Then he doubled over and vomited heroically.

And then Greg vomited.

And then I vomited.

And then a weird chunder chain reaction occured as several other kids round us, upon seeing this unholy sight of skat delight and having only just eaten their fill in the canteen, opened up and technicolour yawned, Exorcist-style, all over the schoolyard. All you could hear for several minutes was the retching and splashing of puke hitting concrete, and the dry heaves as pupils emptied the contents of their stomachs in a slick of chunky, stinky, acrid vom.

It was like that scene at the start of Saving Private Ryan – only instead of bombs and bullets; there were chunks of carrot and half digested spotted dick and custard splattered amoungst the walking wounded.

It looked like someone had set off a hand grenade in a HUGE fucking vat of pig swill.

It was awesome.

And when the deputy head happened to glance out his office window to see a schoolyard full of vomiting boys. He rushed downstairs as fast as his stumpy little legs could carry him and closed the canteen immediately. Then he rounded us up and sent us home with a quickly composed letter apologizing to our parents for the dodgy food which he assumed had caused the yellow-and-brown mouth shitting outbreak.

And Toots didn’t get his fiver.

Though everyone in our year group got the next day off school.

The cunt Toots didn’t eat any of Greg’s remarkable turd of the Century. He only managed to chew it for a bit before gobbing it out.

And, as they say, a bet’s a bet…

...I just felt sorry for the poor caretaker who turned up, whistling, with a broom and a solitary bucket of sawdust; scanned the sea of vom sloshing about in the schoolyard and very nearly shat himself.

EDIT: Toots now works as a bank manager in Coventry city centre. I don't imagine he mentioned his amazing shit eating endevours during that interview...

( SpankyHanky, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:28, 18 replies)

Fucking hell
I nearly vomited too. That's vile.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:34, closed)

Add me
to that list of vomitters
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Sat 9 May 2009, 21:06, closed)

me too
bleugh...

my mouth really did cave in...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, closed)

And me
Jesus I'm still gagging.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 13 May 2009, 7:27, closed)

Spanky
which bank?

I want to go and see him!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:42, closed)

Now that would be telling...
Just go to every one with a fresh turd in your pocket, get it out at the counters and see which retarded ginger donkey cock starts smacking his lips while going: "Hmmmmm.... tuuurrrrdddd..."

Actually, I think it rhymes with Harclays...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:46, closed)

Ginger.
Harclays.
Turd.

Check.

An entertaining lunch for once!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 8 May 2009, 12:23, closed)

Fantastic as ever fella
and it made me think of the vomit scene from Stand By Me.

Delightful

*click*
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:44, closed)

Ahh...
...Me too! I couldn't remember which film it was! Ahh the pie eating contest! Blurgh! :S
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 8 May 2009, 11:51, closed)

Jesus H Christ!
That is fucking disgusting! - click -
(Errin C, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:48, closed)

Oh my god
what is fucking WRONG with you?

Gets my clicky anyday though.
(Grrrrr Tigers, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:49, closed)

excellent post
mr spanky, sir. lol.
(stonethecrows is badder than a bad thing on, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:50, closed)

Laughing like a proverbial.
Unfortunately I'm at work. Cunt. Oh and click.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 8 May 2009, 11:52, closed)

Tip-Top Turd-Tasting Tale...
...and it's not often you can say that!

*click*
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 8 May 2009, 11:56, closed)

oh god
oh god oh god

bokes

clicks though
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 8 May 2009, 12:53, closed)

Goog god.......
I am now sitting very still and trying to think of kitten's so that I can hold onto my lunch.........

And click BTW
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Fri 8 May 2009, 12:58, closed)

Mmmmph, delicious!
What a treat, especially while still warm.

Nothing worse than trying to eat cold faeces...
(airbiscuit last dropped a meaty one in the lift on, Fri 8 May 2009, 17:22, closed)

You have to stop!
I think I pulled a muscle trying not to laugh reading this and Pooflake's vomit/gambling stories.

I don't know how they manage it, but this seems to be a reoccurring theme in most of their stories. I try not to laugh, try not to find them funny, but I always lose! Please don't stop.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 11 May 2009, 15:41, closed)