50 pence - Get Rich or Die Wanking.
At a factory, where I worked years ago was your stereotypical, balding, toothless, dirty mac wearing, buy-a-bride type bloke and in the voice of Harold Steptoe, "A Dutty awld man".
He had a big fuck-off satellite dish in his garden. It was something that wouldn't look out of place on Desperate Dan's table next to a jug of cactus juice.
This dish could receive pron from all over the place. Please don’t ask about the technicalities, but I think it could rotate to constantly pick up signals and he had a number of VCRs set up to record 24 hours a day.

Anyway, he marries/purchases a Thai bird. The only middle-aged one I have ever seen in my life, the reason being that you never see middle-aged Asian women. They're a bit like bananas. One day they're lovely and ripe and then they age overnight, just like that. I don’t know if there’s some sort of rapid ageing thing going on. I digress…..
Upon her arrival to this country she insisted he got rid of his extensive collection of porn and this was something that he was sadly lamenting in the works canteen. And this is where I cut in.
“So, uh what are going to do with it then?”
He looks up, still chewing his sandwich, of which some of the mayo was now dripping from the corner of his mouth. “You want ‘em? You can have ‘em for 50p each if you’re interested. They’ve gotta go today or I’m in shit street.”
“Yeah ok, how many have you got?”
“Dunno, about 400 at least.”
My yoghurt yo-yoed and exited via my nose. “Fuck!”
At this point I had a weird out of body experience whereby I was now an observer looking into the canteen. It was a bit like in the movies where the shot freezes, zooms out, pans a 360 and zooms back in again. There’s me with yoghurt coming out of my nose, there’s him with mayonnaise dribbling out of his mouth and we’re discussing a monumental stockpile of hardcore Scandinavian porn. Please God nobody walk in now, please! I pulled my hanky out, wiped off the offending dairy product and stammered, “F fuh four hundred? Are they any good?”
That question launched him into a soliloquy that was akin to Cheech Marin outside the Titty Twister. “Penetration, double penetration, anal, double anal, double vaginal and double anal, white on white, ebony on ivory, farters, squirters, blow jobs and jerkers, you name it.”
“Okay okay okay. Jeez!” I was praying nobody was going to walk in. “How are we going to do this?” Then I realised what a dumb question that was.
“Well duh! You give me two hundred quid and I give you the tapes.”

At this point I realised I had £200 in the bank but that was all I had. I phoned my best buddy - my wing man and partner in crime if you will - and told him what the deal was. He wanted in on it and we agreed to go halves. I said that I would cover his half and he would pay me later. It was situation GO.

That night I turned up at this blokes gaff and he’s stood at the door with a number of large boxes next to him. He was grinning like a monkey having a wank. In fact he probably just had, you know, for old time’s sake, so I didn’t shake his hand just in case.

We loaded (forcibly rammed) the precious cargo into my little Metro. It was brimming.
We had to drop it off at a mate’s house because we were both living with our parents at the time due to an ‘unfortunate’ accident at a previous residence that we shared. We opened the boxes and they were meticulously sleeved and labelled, they looked good.

I’m going to shorten this a bit. We each took a couple of samples home for product testing and they were fine. Good porn, no dodgy shit like donkeys and dwarves, which is what I was dreading they would be, and we were set to make some money.


We paid 50p each for these and we had a big network of friends and friends of friends who all love a bluey. The going rate at the time was £10 each and we banged them out at 2 for £10.
We had a good influx of customers in the first week and even set up our own 'fucky dip' whereby you just put your hand in and pulled out your 2 mystery prizes. We sold about 50 and that was excellent, we made our money back and had £25 each in our pockets. We went down the pub to celebrate and had a nice piss up.
The next week we sold about 30, which meant that we now had £75 each in our pockets so we took the Friday off work and had a 2 day piss up and piss it up we did.
The next few weeks were a bit different, I think we sold about 4. Still, we had another £10 profit each so we went to the pub.
Then the whole thing dried up, what with the amount we sold and the few we kept or gave away to people, we still had 300 of these bloody things and our mate was getting restless about having all these vids still in his house cluttering up the place. We couldn’t shift them for love or money.

Now, with hindsight, I realise what happened. It was a case of supply and demand. We had flooded the market. The punters were merely swapping the ones they had bought with people who had also bought some and it was like a perpetual chain of porn. By the time you got back the one you’d watched first it was almost fresh material. We weren’t selling any because the need for fresh porn wasn’t there.

We ended up having to sell them for like a quid or 2 quid each here and there and, since it was only change in our pocket, would get spent pronto.

We thought we were onto a good thing. The projected profit we should have made if we sold them all would have been £1800. Instead we pissed all of the money we did make up against the wall and were lumped with 300 boxes of filth that nobody wanted any more.
We ended up giving them away.

No business sense and a penchant for alcohol will always mean that I will never get rich.

Apologies for length - At least 2 hours per tape.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 10:31, 2 replies)

Ah, smut
The dirty old spunker probably had a subscription to Scandiwegian Canal+, or, as a mate put it the first time he tuned in: "Jesus! Tits! Arse! Flange! The works!"
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 10:42, closed)

Canal
I think you might be correct, it certainly rings a bell.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 12:52, closed)