When I was in school
We periodically had visits from one of those Christian drama groups. You know the ones, they try to be cool and down with the kids, and miss by about fourteen miles. Turned up in a big van painted in Jesus logos and did some cringeworthy play that tried and failed to relate religion to our everyday teenage lives. I think they were called the IMPACT team, I can't remember what the acronym stood for but it would've been something pretty contrived.

Anyway, they came to visit us once or twice a year, and did their shit play with terribly done plywood sets and CBBC presenter level patronising acting. It was pretty shit, but sitting in the gym watching it probably beat being in lessons, you could just go to sleep at the back.

The team was run by two brothers, or at least they always told us they were brothers; the rumour mill had them as gay lovers. Not sure whether there was any truth in that. The main one was called Stuart, Stuart Burnside I think, although that could be wrong. He looked like a Christian version of a young Adrian Edmondson, not that that's germane to our story at all.

One year, which would have been several years after I'd started school, so we were all used to them rocking up in their Jesus mobile, they turned up, and we all filed into the gym and sat down on those wooden benches you get for school PE but have never seen anywhere before or since, you know the ones with the flappy out bits at the end so you can hook them over stuff (this isn't germane either, I seem to be in a tangential mood this morning).

The other fella (I can never remember his name, he always played second fiddle to old Stuart) came out, sans Stuart. What's going on?! Well he's gonna tell us straight away, cos the first thing he says is 'Before we start, I'd just like to explain why Stuart isn't with us today. He died six months ago, since our last visit here. I'd just like to take a moment so we can all join in a prayer for him.'

Couldn't have misjudged it more really, you should have seen the look on this bloke's face as, instead of us bowing our heads and praying for Stuart's eternal salvation, about 700 children of various ages absolutely pissed themselves laughing. Some wag shouted out 'DID HE DIE OF AIDS THEN?', which only raised the volume of the laughter.

Poor Stuart's brother (still don't know his name) luckily managed to nip behind one of his bits of plywood before he fully broke down into tears. A little while later a teacher came out and said they'd cancelled today's show, back to lessons, two weeks detention FOR THE WHOLE SCHOOL, and could some of the more well behaved kids stay behind to help him chuck the plywood in the van.

I feel a bit bad about this, ten or fifteen years later - I am a committed anti-theist (with my personal beliefs being some strange sort of nihilist-humanist dichotomy, depending what mood I'm in), but I don't wish death on religious people.

Morals of the story:

1. NEVER assume kids will be kind, especially in large groups - they develop a sort of hive mentality that feeds on any display of weakness.

2. By the time they enter high school, most people have already figured out what a load of shite religion is and don't want it shoved down their throats, even if it means getting out of double maths.

No apologies for length or offensiveness.

(Edit: and can anyone else remember the IMPACT team from their school days?)
(username1, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:01, 1 reply)

IMPACT...
I Masturbate Priests, Also Catholic Teachers?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 14:41, closed)