Crazy Jesus Woman
I used to go into Wakefield every Saturday and hang around the cathedral. [for anyone who has ever been past it will know what I mean] There is usually about 200 or so Goths around there and a lot of them I was 'friends' with.

Obviously, the majority of people that aren't/have never been alternative think Goths are Satanists or whatever. This is where Crazy Jesus Lady comes in.

In Wakefield there is also a fair few preachers, Crazy Jesus Lady being one of them. This was her oppertunity to convert these blasted Satanists to her obviously correct religion. She started talking normal old lady shit and didn't say much about God or anything at first. So, she lulled us into thinking she were just a nice old lady, bit weird but harmless. Then she just started babbling about how she was a born-again Christian and speaking in something she called 'snake tongue'. By this point I wasnt interested [and didn't want to be too disrespectful by laughing in her face at some of the bollocks she was coming out with] and walked off, leaving her talking to a few of my friends. The only reason they stayed was because they thought she was funny and could somehow hold in their laughter.

So that was that, we didn't really think anything of it. Until the next Saturday when she was there, waiting for us. Last week it was just a laugh but I think she'd though she could convert us. She came and greeted us and introduced us to her son, another born-again Christian and she babbled on a bit more.

A couple of hours later, most people were intrigued and there were maybe up to 15 people with her at one time, because she was obviously insane and it was funny as fuck watching some woman thinking she was 'down with the kids' or something, chuckling along 'with' us, while we were really laughing AT her. Then, just before we were going home she offered to burn us some really cool 'hip hop' Jesus CD's. We said yes, just to take the piss not thinking she would bring them and that would be the end of her.

The following Saturday we was back in Wakefield and there she was, with her shitty CD's. Before we listened to them, though she insisted we would like them. She then raised her right arm, hand in a fist, and started jumping on the spot, but bare in mind she was about 60 and stood on the top step of around 30 other steps and could have easily fell down and broken all her bones, this just proved how much she thought we would enjoy these CD's so we humoured her and took them.

That's when it got stupid and week after week she wouldnt leave us alone and I don't have much time for people pushing their religions onto me, mental problems or not so made no effort to hide how much she was pissing me off, or how funny I though it all was, told her the CD's were shit and babbled about how much I'm not gonna believe in god no matter what she says, but everyone else was pretty patient with her and went along with her except from Sarah.

So she focused all her attention on me and Sarah.

So there us two were sat on the cathedral wall and she touched Sarah's head. That kinda was crossing the line right there so I was just giving her a bit of a dirty look which I assume she had grown to know well by this point. Then all of a sudden out of no where she grabbed my forehead shoved me back onto the grass and mud and started chanting shit in her fucking 'snake tongue'. Course my legs flew into the air, and kicked her [accidental, of course]. It didn't phase her and she carried on holding my head into the mud and chanting. Fucking crazy bitch, so I went about whacking her hand away. After that she let go. I cursed her couple of times and she informed me I was going to hell and she went. And never came back after that.

I still have no idea what fucking spell or whatever she put on me.

Apologies for length but she didnt fucking apologise for getting my hair dirty!
(limon, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 20:25, Reply)