Possibly a lengthy one
I've never been a brave lad, and could never bring myself to ask a girl out. Throughout my teenage and early uni years, I'd be able to talk to girls who I took a shine to, but i'd always be the "pillar to cry on" rather than the "guy to have hot, sweaty primal sex with". I had no confidence with girls at all.

In my final year of uni, I spot a girl at a gig who literally makes me stop in my tracks. I've had a couple of drinks, and finally pluck up the courage to just chat with her. In short, she's beautiful, witty and charming. Her and a couple of friends come back to the B&B that myself and a few friends are staying in, and we chat some more.

Things seemed to go well, but I just couldn't kill my fear of rejection enough to ask her for her number, or a kiss. Her and her friends eventually leave, and I'm summarily (and quite rightly) mocked by my friends for my inaction.

A few weeks later, we meet again, and she remembers me! We spend all of the night chatting, sat on the stairs of a club, but despite her closeness causing all the synapses in my brain to shoot big "kiss her!" messages, I once again bottle it, and we eventually go our separate ways. We had managed to exchange numbers though.

Well, I've never been one to do the cool thing, so I didn't maintain the 'wait at least three days before texting' discipline. Seemingly not put off by my impatience, she responds, and for a few weeks we communicate through texts and then emails. Then, one beautiful day, she says that she's coming over to my city (she lives an hour or so away) as she has to visit a friend, and would I like to meet up?

Of course, having picked my jaw up off the floor, slowed my heartbeat down to a non life-threatening level, and performed a joyous victory dance, I reply back that I'd love to see her.

We meet up a few days later, and spend the whole time chatting. I invite her back to mine for a bit, and we talk and laugh and listen to music until she notices the time. She's missed her last train home. I was a bit shocked, the heart rate climbed again, but I offered her my bed for the night. She accepts, we chat more, get closer, and then the planets align and we kiss.

That was the beautiful first day of my first proper relationship.

Unfortunately, I'm a complete dickhead. We saw each other every now and again (long distance...), and I realised that she was falling for me. I had managed to convince myself that I was incapable of loving anyone, and whilst there were butterflies in my stomach whenever I was with her, I was sure that I wasn't falling for her. So I called it off, and we agreed to stay friends.

The next year I spent finishing university, and meeting new people, but it's only now that I can look back and see that I had become a total cunt. I cared only for myself, I became easily lead by my genitalia, and I was blissfully unaware of any consequences to my actions.

I don't want to go into details, but I ended up hurting the same beautiful, kind girl who i have been talking about. I hurt her in a way that I thought incapable of doing, and to this day I'm utterly disgusted in myself. I was shocked to my core with realisation of what i'd done, and we arranged to meet up, possibly for the last time.

It must have taken her all the will in the world to meet me, but meet me she did. We talked, cried, and I apologised endlessly. This was a woman who had been nothing but kind and considerate to me, and i caused her unimaginable pain and anguish. We talked until our last trains were about to go, but neither of us wanted to leave. I invited her back to mine, so that we could continue talking. She agreed, and we spent the whole night talking, crying, and occasionally laughing.

She returned home the next day, but we both agreed that we'd keep in contact. Over the next few weeks, thoughts of her occupied every waking thought. I remembered how happy we both had been before, how happy we made each other. I also remembered the look of pain on her face that day, how it was all my doing. True to our promise, we stayed in contact, and thoughts of her were never far from my mind. I was always questioning my feelings for her, whether I just felt incredibly guilty, or whether there was more there.

As much as I hate the term 'soul-searching', I analysed everything I thought I felt, because I had begun to think that maybe there was the possibility that I loved her. I could never be sure, but every time we'd talk and laugh with each other I would feel elated. I felt that she still had feelings for me, but I didn't want to mention any possible feelings I might have for her until I was certain that they were true. She did not deserve to be messed around by anyone ever again, least of all me, so I had to be sure.

We met up again some time later, and any doubts for my true feelings for her were gone. I was in love with her. I tried to be diplomatic in broaching the subject of us getting back together. I promised that I would, and indeed could never be the person I had become before. I always knew that it was asking far more than I was 'entitled' to, I'd abused her trust and hurt her, and here I was asking for a second chance.

I'm glad to say that she took her time to consider things, and spoke to friends about it. Then one day she said we could try again. The next two and a half years were, quite honestly, the best years of my life. I traveled 6 hours most weekends to see her, the other times she'd come to visit me. We had two wonderful holidays together, and I was looking in to moving to her city so that I could be with her. We'd often talked about marriage and kids, and I never once felt the urge to run. I was the happiest I've ever been, and I know that she was as well.

Sadly, there was always the memory of how I hurt her. There always will be. We tried to make things work, we both devoted ourselves to each other, but unfortunately it seems there are some wrongs that no amount of will and effort can right.

We broke up (mutually agreed) before Christmas, and see each other only every few months. We still talk most days, and both of us have had more than our fair share of breakdowns, but we're both adamant that we'd hate to lose the friendship we have. She's the most wonderful person I have ever known, but despite our feelings for each other, we both accept that things just won't work out between us.

It's nine months since we broke up. Not long ago I thought I was beginning to move on, but recently i've come to the crushing realisation that I haven't even started.

The one time I get the courage to approach a girl, and all of this spirals out from it. I've had the best and worst times of my life to date, and if I could live that moment again, I'd still approach her. I just wish I hadn't been such a cunt. She deserves only happiness.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 15:58, 8 replies)

There's a time
When "I like this" doesn't quite seem to hit the mark.

It's good that after everything you two have managed to retain a good friendship, and maybe one day things will be different, maybe with her, maybe with someone else.

I hope that's sooner rather than later though.

*click*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 16:32, closed)

Sounds very much like the situation I now find myself in
It's horrible. Have a click.
( Captain V, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 16:36, closed)

Thanks
Thank you for your kind words, Agnostic Antichrist :)

Vrothdar, I hope your situation sorts itself out for the best soon!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 16:39, closed)

Me too
I also wish the kind things wished by Agnostic Antichrist.
( Captain V, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 16:43, closed)

No Problem
I've been there myself, she wasn't perfect, but she deserved a lot better in the last 6 months of our relationship.

All I can say is, time's a great healer

and so is alcohol
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 16:45, closed)

I'm in a long distance relationship. I hope it works out.

I'm quite tearful now. I hope you find happiness.
(I've got the clap has some cool sentence here, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 18:42, closed)

i like this seem innappropriate words.. but *click*
something similar happened to me with someone i love very much and i'll definitely never forget it

got a big lump in my throat now :( i hope everything goes well for you, and you end up happy
(rosie-pie, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 20:13, closed)

My thanks again!
I've got the clap: Long distance relationships can, and do, work. The distance in my relationship was a strain at times, but we made the absolute most of it. I wish you all the best, keep the faith!

rosie-pie: Thank you for your kind wishes, I too hope that you can find someone who makes you happy, if you haven't already done so!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 2 Sep 2008, 10:31, closed)