Greeeeed
'So what should we get your daddy, eh?' said Mummy, a small snotty child dangling off her like an over-excited tumour.

'I wants to buy him a weeeally big bar of chocolate!' I said, in the painfully over-excited, cute way that attracted random grannies going 'Ahh, the little love'.

You know, I'd quite like to hop in a time machine, go back, and give my nauseating little face a good hard slap. I'd so have had it coming; the little obsequious, toadying con-artist rat-bastard that I was. But anyway:

The slab of chocolate was duly purchased, resplendent in wonderful sparkling violet-purple foils. And duly hidden away for a good father's day surprise.

In the cupboard, in my room. Within arms reach.



Well, of *course* I bloody did!

I was a bratling, greedy, and - lets face it - the subject of this QoTW would make it rather strange if I had done anything else, no? I swear that chocolate bar got bigger every time my saucer-like eyes looked at it, and I looked at it a lot, let me tell you. I polished it with my eyeballs every spare second. A week of torture followed as I tried to resist:

Just one more look. So shiny. So chocolatey. So big. So NAUGHTY. I'm just going to... sniff it for a bit. Thats ok, right? And maybe lick the foil. Oh no, I've bitten down! I've left teeth marks! I didn't mean to. Oh no, oh no, I've pierced the foil, oh no, I can taste.... Oh gods.

Well, its a very BIG bar of chocolate - daddy won't miss a bit off the corner. Just a little nibble. I'll bite it all neat and fold up the foil again - he'll never notice its a bit shorter. Because its so big.

Oh god I CAN'T STOP EATING! There's foil everywhere! Its tangled in my hair! My little fists are sticky with chocolate. Nooo!

I writhe in shame and guilt. I feel really quite sick. What can I do? I'm too young to get out on my own so I can't replace it - and I can't bring myself to confess to mummy. But wait! My sister bought daddy chocolate too, and she's a big meanie and I know where she hid it and she's outside and she won't notice and I'm sure its her fault somehow anyway and no-one will know if I just- steal it.

Wow! If anything, my sister's gift is even bigger than the one I had! A triumphant brick of a bar. So heavy. Really big!

...I wonder what it smells like?

If I died tomorrow, my family would have my gravestone read: "Here lies WaxChewer. He ate all the father's day chocolate. The whole lot. On the eve of the day itself, even though it made him feel sick and half of it was his sister's gift to his dad."

Sadly, the filial taunting has not strengthened my will-power with regard to chocolate. I'm still a rampant chocy thief, but even worse - and I daren't confess it to them - no chocolate has EVER tasted as nice as those two bars. Gods I'd so fucking steal them again, you bet your arsehole, oh hell yes!
(IChewCandlewax, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 13:03, 5 replies)

Any of my Dads....
Alcohol, Chocolate and Food tastes better...only because I know it will annoy the old fart!
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 13:22, closed)

Best headstone
since Spike Milligan
(electricteeth, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 13:30, closed)

and it will be
until plans for the Margaret H. Thatcher memorial dancefloor, spitoon & pissoir come to fruition.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 13:47, closed)

Well told - click's in the post
click.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 13:44, closed)

^this
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 14:15, closed)

i like this
because i did the same thing with the chocolates out of my siblings' easter eggs.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 14:23, closed)

It is not possible...
... for siblings to legitimately own chocolate.

100% fact.
(IChewCandlewax, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 14:35, closed)

i trust this will stand up in court?

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 15:03, closed)

Clicks for being well-told and 'over-excited tumour' :D
(resurrection_mary cannibal_ferox, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 8:48, closed)