Wrong powder mate
My mate, J, was doing a catering course at a shit college full of neds who had failed their potty training.

So one day J and all the council gentlemen are in the college's greasy cafeteria, when one of them takes a sachet of instant coffee and empties it onto the table. He turned to J and said, "I'll give you a tenner to snort that." J, being a bit light of pocket, takes a moment to think (no he doesn't) and agrees. The coffee gets tidied up into a nice fat line and J sucks the whole lot up into his snot hole.

Expletives were made.

All the other fine gentlemen around the table were pretty fucking impressed with this, so J got another twenty on top of the ten. Score! (I got a pint later as well).

~~~

He then spends the afternoon dribbling a lovely mixture of foam, snot and coffee down his front, while trying to focus on not getting it on the food. He couldn't taste nowt but coffee for the next week.
(99pence didn't wake up until, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 22:39, Reply)

Fiona
Never (twice in 12 years, so 0.000002) bowed her head.

Have to provide £xxx,xxx. By next week, or we are back in Court.

Ok, without last weeks QOTW, she can sleep deep and long. Too much, never paid a thing into the house, went back to work after both children, fucked my Inland Rev bill (child tax credits), paid thousands at the time and now she wants more. Yes its on the way you greedy cunt, even though I have the children more than you. They hate it but fucking CAFCASS made their (foreign) interpretation on the scenario.

I was quoted a price to have an accident years ago, should have taken the option.

Not funny, she is a greedy, self centered, bitch, who has no interest in her children apart from to get me out of the house.

Not happened, so carry on renting, and enjoy the children when they are with you. Oh, and stop changing the address at the hospital when our son breaks his arm. You twat, he was born there and you moved out this week.

/rant
/bitch
/see you next tuesday
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 22:13, 24 replies)

Pussy
One is nice, two is better???

Not really. Been there, tick that box, wish I could tell you more......

However, I have said to a lovely lady who I had known for a number of years, that it was summer at the thatch required a trim. I may have mentioned this before, but there was no way I was going 'down' with sparrows nesting. A quick call to conceige and a razor was supplied. Not for my chin. She went back to Bermuda happy.

Cracking daughter too, but that would be greedy..... slap.....
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 21:52, 11 replies)

As ive always said,,,,
,
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 21:41, 1 reply)

BK ave it your way
Spent 6 months working in Burger King in (this the worst part) Croydon
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 21:22, 6 replies)

A couple of weeks ago...
I was driving home and stopped for a pedestrian who was inexplicably walking down a country road, but the car behind me decided not to. After four hours I gave in to their insurance company hounding me and booked my car in to have the necessary repairs, the following day had to go to the doctors for the neck pain which was diagnosed as 'whiplash that'll need physio'. So as I'd been instructed, I rang their insurance company and relayed the information, answered a few questions, waited on hold for a minute, and was then told that I'd be getting £150 for the physiotherapy and £700 compensation. For a claim I had no intention of making. I had the option of going through the courts and claiming more, but it turns out that £700 is exactly the amount of money it takes for me not to be arsed. AND the car got valeted.

So to answer the original question, I'll let someone drive their car into mine and have a few days of hurty neck in exchange for £850 and a clean vehicle.
(slocey doesn't get out often, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 20:42, 2 replies)

brain freeze
out for a meal on my mate's birthday. he'd decided on the chinese "all you can stuff down your gullet for a tenner" place in town, because they had duck and pancakes on the buffet.
the night was going well and everyone was enjoying themselves. i'd pretty much filled up on green-lipped mussels in black bean sauce, but i'd been careful to leave room for one of my most favourite things: ice cream.
i've always been a world-class troffer when it comes to ice cream, it's one thing i can never resist.
i quickly polished off one bowl* and went back for a second. i whapped a huge scoop of frosty, creamy loveliness into my bowl and sat back down.
"you shouldn't eat so much ice cream" my mate warned. "you know it upsets your stomach." now, when it comes to being told not to do something, i'm still a petulant little brat at heart and will immediately do what i know i shouldn't.
picking up the entire scoopful on my spoon, i shoved it into my mouth and, after a brief struggle, swallowed it.
it took about ten seconds for the brain freeze to hit.
i jumped up, clutching my now pounding head and yelling something along the lines of "OWFUCKINGOWBASTARDBASTARDCUNTYTWATTHATHURTS!" as my mates creased up. even the waiter was laughing at me.
luckily, our designated driver was drinking coffee and, after a mouthful of his caffeinated juice, i felt much better.
i'd really like to say i won't be doing that again, but i know myself far too well.

*to be fair, the bowl was quite small.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 20:38, Reply)

I complain...
... a lot!

For money.

Or gift cards.

Or free shit.

I am continuously on the lookout for problems, issues, discrepancies, difficulties, hitches and glitches which can be turned to my advantage. As long as they somehow link back to a large company or organisation with a hierarchical structure.

As soon after the problem has been experienced I will make a call to said company and set about climbing the customer service ladder made up of so many advisors, supervisors, TLs, assistant managers, managers, area managers, district managers, board members and owners.

Sometimes I will eventually get hold of somebody who either has enough clout to give me what I want in order to get me the fuck off their line or alternatively somebody who is paid more per hour than it would cost to give me what I want if you counted up the man hours it would cost hem to investigate.

Most of the time though I will have caught them with their pants down so even the frontline CS staff can start handing out the goodies simply by following company policy.

I dont need any of this stuff, I mainly do it for the sport.

Some people will think I am an asshole. Some people will think my exploits are exploitative.

My friends call me the cunt-omer (instead of customer).

It is not theft, it is not fraud. It IS fun!
(OTT, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 20:21, 8 replies)

i...
I work for a bank, an investment bank. I can already hear the cries of 'fuck you and your bonus' but I'm a mere software developer. That said, the pay here is far better than I could expect in almost any other industry.
(tool, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 20:17, 2 replies)

Pearoast from 2007 about eyes
Picture the scene: 4th year (14-15 yo) Biology class, we're all in pairs dissecting cows' eyes provided by the local butcher. Great fun, you slice the things along the "equator", open it up, get out the vitreous humour (like clear jelly) and chuck bits of it at people, admire the retina, then slice open the front half and take out the lens.

Our eye had a cataract, so the lens was no good for focussing light onto paper like we were supposed to do. So I ask my mate how much he'll take to eat it. "A fiver," he says.

One class whip round later...

Me: "I've got £3.65, will that do?"
Him: "OK" *gulp!*

A little later...

Biology teacher: "Where's your lens?"
Me: "Er... dunno sir."

Apparently it didn't taste of anything much.
(lolwhites, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 20:08, 1 reply)

I took
a kick in the balls for £3 when I was 13.
(iLLmatic, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 19:50, 4 replies)

Two Jobs
One day working for "Smelly Mary" - she had the contract for scavenging rights at the local garbage dump. Ten hours work in the middle of the Australia summer, most of the time stacking empty beer bottles. Result: filthy dirty, smelling of stale beer, $10 pay (this was back in 1975). But I did find a discarded VERY explicit porno mag.

Second - four days telemarketing.
(Maclir, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 19:35, Reply)

Was asked to do a job for Fuji
packing posters and stickers into envelopes as a favor. Was paid of course but pennies compared to what someone should have been paid.

What made it worse is that some smug shit was sent to lord it over me. Thankfully he fucked off saying he had better stuff to do. I posted most of the stuff to one person. Everyone else got empty tubes.

Lesson, pay minimum wage and treat people doing you a favor with respect.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Fri 15 Apr 2011, 19:22, Reply)

Data Entry
Fucking Horrible.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 18:35, 9 replies)

When I crossed the Arctic Circle in Norway, I bought a thermos mug of coffee for 30 krona more than a paper cup.
This way I get free refils every time I go back! Oh. Fuck...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 17:58, 3 replies)

Grave digging
In High Wycombe. With a mad Polish dope fiend. Spending hours down a fucking big hole, flint and chalk and soil slowly filling your arse crack, and hearing the gentle sobs of grieving relatives on and off during the day.

Worst experience: Digging part two of a "double"..ie, MrBloke had cashed in his chips, and a few years later, Mrs Bloke does the same...both to be buried in the same grave. Only the lazy fuckers that did the first one didnt go deep enough. So when we were digging the hole again for the Mrs, my foot went through rotting wood......

I levitated out of said 7ft deep hole and never went back.
(CantSleepClownsWillGetMe Likes: Turtles, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 17:56, 5 replies)

Exploding Poles
Years ago, before the Iron Curtain came down, there was a transport caff outside Chelmsford called the Rose. The Rose did the usual trucker's brekkies, the biggest of which went like this: 3 bacon, 3 sausage, 2 eggs, black pudding, mushrooms, beans, tomatoes, 2 fried slice, 2 doorstep and a pint of tea. For a pound extra it came with a steak and kidney pudding on top. If you finished it, you got another one, or your money back. The whole thing was a fiver, and known as the Double Gutbuster .

One day a Pole came in. Now in those days Polish truckers were on about £15 a week and all the baccy they could smuggle. This bloke ordered the Double Gutbuster, ate the whole thing, so they offered him his money back. After all, who could eat another one?

He ate TWO more. They followed him, horrified, into the car park, expecting a Mr. Creosote scene. He drove away, and they breathed a sigh of relief. A week later, he came back with 3 mates, and they ate the whole fucking fridge empty.

The Rose isn't there any more.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 17:35, 4 replies)

I buy a ticket for the Eurolottery
But only when the jackpot is over £50m
I'm not sure why my brain thinks that winning an amount lower than this isn't worth the £2 outlay.
(TitanLX, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 17:09, 4 replies)

I had one job checking umbrellas for holes.
I'd take them out of the plastic sleeve, open them, and hold them up to the light. If they had holes I'd put them in one pile, if not, then back in the sleeves and in another pile.
Strangely, the novelty of the task started to wear thin around the 30,000th umbrella mark
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 16:37, 6 replies)

In my first year at uni
I licked someone's balls for £4 (we were all drunk and everybody was eggin' me on, and I love to entertain...)

Also last night I snorted a line of pepper for £2. I was sneezing for ages and my nostril felt like it was on fire, but because I left some the git refused to pay up.
(MikeyNiv can coin snatch 32 pennies, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 16:26, 11 replies)

Things I have done for a bet::
Eaten dog biscuits (Was Violently Sick)

Downed an Absinthe/Harvey Wallbanger mixture (Was Violently Sick)

Impersonated a priest (Twice)
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Fri 15 Apr 2011, 16:24, 4 replies)

Where's the Ryan Giggs thread gone?
I smell fire ...
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 16:22, 7 replies)

Clicks!
Love them! Can't get enough of them. Nothing like the feeling when you see a reply "^Click", or even better when you see an answer rise up through your top five.

Petty but greed often is.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Fri 15 Apr 2011, 16:19, Reply)

First bar job was in Bumblefuck, Somerset.
For reasons probably best kept to the landlady, we sold liquorice shoelaces behind the bar.

The local skinhead was about the size and intelligence of a barn.

He requested a pound's worth, and made sure he got every one.

Still - I had the last laugh - he's still there.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 15:58, 3 replies)

I want the newsletter...
...being needed at hosptial as your wife has a baby just isn't good enough Rob.

Congratulations all the same!
( awayfromthenumbers, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 15:57, 2 replies)