I really, really hate shopping...
I hate it. Sometimes, stood outside of ASDA (or somewhere equally ghastly), I can actually feel palpitations in my chest coming on. It’s not the shopping experience per se; it’s more the idiots whose sole purpose in life appears to be to get in my way. They amble around in their mongol-esque hordes, muttering “ready meals” and “pasta sauce” under their collective breaths. These are the people who let their children push the trolleys, or worse just let them play on the floor, or piss in the pork pies. And when you accidentally trip over one of these marauding little satanic bastards, the parent looks at you as if you just shat in her cereal. And then you immediately want to commit a brutal murder.

Of course, when I talk about supermarkets, I also lump in people who work in them. You find someone in their luminescent green top, which has a badge saying “Hallo! I’m retarded! How can I help?”, and you approach them and ask, quite politely, “Where’s the bread? I wouldn’t usually ask but the whole store seems to have changed rather dramatically since I was last here!” Once you’ve asked this question, you get a blank look. A bit of dribble emerges from one corner of the mouth. After a period longer than the Ice-Age, this mongol git utters the words “’s on aisle 7”.

And you’ll get to aisle 7, and it’s invariably panty-liners and womens things. The store attendant has just fucked you. You don’t want to look like you came down here for nothing; you had such purpose, so you throw some thrush cream and some Tena Lady in to your basket (which is way too fucking small anyway) and get the hell out of there. You then go and find the store attendant to kill him – but he’s gone. He is a mystic fairy in the forest of Associated Dairies.

Anyway, what was I saying? That’s right, I hate shopping. My guilty pleasure is this – in order to alleviate the rising need to kill or cry, I tend to play ‘load up’. This takes one of two forms:

1) Going to the supermarket with a new girlfriend/someone who rarely shops with me. Not having a basket is essential. Then, I load up my companion’s arms with bread, eggs, drinks – as much stuff as a person can possibly carry, and 100% of which we don’t need. Then, I calmly walk around the corner, and run away, laughing to myself like a lunatic.
2) Pick up items and put them in other people’s trolleys. This is a bit of an art form – you have to work out the item that will cause maximum confusion, like a tin of Dog food in a trolley with a lot of Cat food in it, or some hair removal cream in a trolley that is full of beer and steaks.

These two things make shopping worthwhile for me. I find it highly pleasurable!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:54, 10 replies)

So you have anxiety issues around either large groups of people, or supermarkets.
And you alleviate this by belittling everyone around you, and acting like a cunt.

Well done.
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:59, closed)

supermarkets
are a grim reminder that evolution has led us to a stage well below our potential. I see people in ASDA who look like apes in tracksuits. Ad Waitrose isn't any better - it's shop of the walking dead in there: all clacking dentures and prissy toffs sneering at each other because they're buying something they feel is superior.
(frankspencer, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:10, closed)

24 hour shopping.
Shopping sucks purely because the shop is full of the general public, and with my luck I always encounter the lowest levels of society in there.

Anyway, I find the actual act of shopping quite pleasurable, I like just browsing round looking at things in my own tme. Hence, 24hr opening is brilliant. Go late at night and do your shopping in a deserted shop. Bliss.
Granted, stocks of fresh bread etc are usually non-existant, but for the basic weekly shop its fine.
(dave likes cheese, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:11, closed)

Asda
Known locally (well, very locally - our house in fact) as the Dairy of the Living Dead. Makes me giggle every time I see the Welsh Rugby Team with Brains (brains, bra-i-n-s...) written on their shirt.

And Tesco's just as bad. Cunts.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:11, closed)

Biohazard
Oh, come on...

Firstly, I always help the person who I've 'loaded' put all the bits back.

Secondly, I very much doubt that the items I have dropped in trolleys (once or twice) are actually paid for. I would think that they're looked at with confusion, and in most cases probably don't even make it to the till as I put them in obvious places. Also, I never, ever, do this to elderly or disabled people.

I really don't think that's cuntish behaviour. Cuntish behaviour would be more like removing items from trolleys and replacing them with shit. Or punching people. However, if my actions are truly reprehensible, I'll stop.

I also don't have issues with large groups of people, but thank you for that oh-so-clever and in depth appraisal of my personality. Will I pay you now, Doctor, or perhaps you'd just like to put this one on account?

Apols if that's sarcastic, I just object to being called a cunt...

EDIT: Dave Likes Cheese - that's a super idea!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:12, closed)

I've worked
in a supermarket, depending on how someone asked you for a product depended upon the response.

But Asda? Fucking ASBO more like , the people that go there with they're kids really fucking annoy me, if you can't control your child then you shouldn't be allowed to fucking breed (Karma dicates that my kids will now have ADHD and Autism).

In terms of your games I guess option 1 is pretty cuntish, I'd be pretty pissed if out shopping and someone did that to me.
Option 2? Bloody hilarious, the stuff is never paid for anyway and the looks of confusion must be priceless. Do you get bonus points for doing ti old people making them think they're losing their minds?
Cheers
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:18, closed)

I wouldn't say you're at all cunty...
I once accidentally started filling someone else's trolley with my own shopping, clearly a little distracted at the time. The look on their face as they noticed me casually dropping a pack of bacon into their otherwise meat-free trolley still makes me chuckle to this day.

They sound like fun games, and I absolutely intend to give them a go...
( Moey, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:28, closed)

Stolen from Viz.
Load your trolley to the brim with as much booze as you like.

Place a jar of baby food on the top of your booze mountain.

Let the cashier ring it all up.

Tut at the high cost and say "Well, I don't want this then" and put the baby food back
(Ellis, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:29, closed)

A Cunt, Moi?
As a person that has had firsthand experience of your 'load up' game I have to say I did see the funny side of it... but then again I do have a sense of humour... or at least like to think I do!?!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:47, closed)

You think they look retarded when you ask for bread?
Try asking them for something more obscure, like Paneer or Quark.

It's like watching a brontosaurus react to its tail being trodden on.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 14 Mar 2008, 16:31, closed)