Turn On
Right, you don't like me and I sure as hell don't like you. But I'm gonna get on top of you and pound you until I'm all hot and sweaty and spent...

No, this wasn't a conversation I had with my girlfriend, this was a silent little thought directed at the swanky new rowing machine they'd just installed at my gym.

I clambered onboard, grabbed hold of the handgrips, and started pulling with all my might -

- and it was fucking easy! Like driving a knife through hot butter. Fucking EXCELLENT!!! I stepped up the pace. The machine purred like a contented kitten having its tummy tickled.

I was its master.

I was in control.

I was a god among men.

Sir Steve Redgrave? - Suck my hairy plums, mate!

All those years of frantic masturbation had given me superhuman upper body strength!

I was finding it really fucking incredibly, amazingly easy.

After ten or so minutes I realise I'm getting the attention of a few of my fellow gym goers. The men are looking at me in envy, the women all want a piece of me - that special, lovely, spurty piece that tends to do most of my really important thinking.

Olympic gold medal? Piece of fucking piss!!! This rowing malarkys a fucking doddle.

Twenty minutes go by. I've hardly broken sweat. I am king of the fucking waves. In a gym.

Then I notice the incredibly hot female instructor is looking at me. She looks, quite frankly, as if she's wet in the crotch area at the sight of me making this rowing thing look so fucking easy. And they told me it was hard fucking work! Ha! I spit in their faces! I stick two fingers up at them, cup my balls and yell: Phhhppppppp!!!

She's coming over! The incredibly hot instructor is walking towards me. I look as serious and manly as possible and row a little faster. Its so damn easy! Fuck me, I must have superhuman upper body strength.

She's standing just infront of me! She's looking DIRECTLY at me! Yay!!! She's opening her mouth! Yay! She's going to speak to ME! ME!!!

Then she does just that, she speaks: "Sir, I think you might find it more challenging if you turn the machine on," and she reaches down and flicks a switch, and it suddenly feels like I've got two saloon cars filled with concrete on the end of each arm. And the hottie turns and walks away, trying - but not too fucking well - to hide a smirk.

Fucksocks...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 1:08, 4 replies)

It's scary what goes on in your mind...
Scary - but funny as fuck!

*click*
( snee held his breath since, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 8:55, closed)

This is fucking excellent!
Should never read your stuff when Im supposed to be being all serious and professional at work - click!
(Lizard King, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 10:48, closed)

you're brain is fucked, mate
absolutely fucked - clicks
(stonethecrows is badder than a bad thing on, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 11:53, closed)

You're all over the 'Best Of' page this week, mate...
...like Michael Jackson and the album charts at the minute.

Worryingly, I'm not sure the similarities end there.

*moonclicks*
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 14:02, closed)