Picked up a hitchhiker and almost became a queer basher.
Years ago I had time to kill and was driving around when I saw someone on the corner hitchhiking. I made a quick decision that since he was dressed in a white sport jacket he was civilized and wouldn't kill me. I have no idea how that thought process worked. So I picked him up.

He was a young guy from the American south and very drunk. He said he was gay, I said I wasn't. He said he sometimes dates for money. I then realized he might have been working, not hitchhiking. I asked if he wanted to go back to that corner, he thought I was saying I didn't want to give a gay guy a ride, it was awkward but we carried on with the ride.

He kept trying to tell me his grandmother's recipe for lasagna but never did finish it, he kept going off on tangents about things like keeping the milk cold in a creek because they had no refrigeration when he was a kid. Periodically he'd tell me I was nice and kind, would lean and put his head on my shoulder and pat me on the leg. I found it endearing and decided that as long as he kept his hand on the outside of the leg I'd be ok with it.

Eventually we got near where he said he was going. He said to drop him off in an empty, wooded area and he'd walk the rest of the way to sober up. I did so and drove away thinking how amusing life is. I still had time to kill, so decided to stop for donuts. I reached for my wallet. Gone. Frantically felt everywhere, no wallet. I kept hearing my father's voice in my head saying "never pick up hitchhikers." It was so obvious now, he'd been blocking my view with his head on my shoulder and patting my leg so I wouldn't feel the wallet go. He had me drop him off in the middle of nowhere so I'd never find him again.

It had only been a few minutes, so I debated doubling back and beating him up to get my wallet back. I decided that he'd have taken off immediately, that would be pointless.

Next I made up a story. I didn't think it would sound right to say that a gay hooker had pickpocketed me after I picked him up on a random corner. So I invented a story where I had gotten donuts, read the paper, put the paper on the tray, threw out my garbage and didn't realize that the wallet was in there. I drove home to use my alibi immediately. I went to the phone to tell my side of the story to friends. The wallet was next to the phone.

If I'd followed the impulse to hunt him down and throttle him, he'd have chalked the experience up to yet another psychopathic queer basher.
(thatguyjoe, Wed 27 Aug 2014, 17:38, 12 replies)

^ bit gay

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 27 Aug 2014, 21:23, closed)

Maybe if you'd posted your made up story on here
we would have had more respect for you.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 27 Aug 2014, 21:44, closed)

Is it too late? The problem with the made up story was that I could have just come back and taken the wallet from the trash. And it intentionally didn't involve hitchhiking.

All things considered, it's not one of those stories I tell to make myself look good in any way. There will always be nagging doubt in the mind of the listener, for instance, as to just why I picked up a gay hooker, as the previous comment was kind enough to point out.
(thatguyjoe, Wed 27 Aug 2014, 22:07, closed)

he is just trolling you. Ignore him.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 27 Aug 2014, 22:15, closed)

He knows that!
Just because he suspects he may be gay doesn't mean he's stupid.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 27 Aug 2014, 22:26, closed)

tl;dr you wanted to experiment with homosexuality but wimped out and still regret it

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Aug 2014, 22:45, closed)

Wimped out? Hot and heavy leg tapping stands as my most wild same sex action ever!
(thatguyjoe, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 1:16, closed)

So he'd found your address and a copy of the front door key in your wallet, quickly hitched a lift to your house and was waiting for you in your bed?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 8:15, closed)

That's not my leg ... wait a minute ... that's not a leg at all *bowchikkachikkawowbow*

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 8:44, closed)

Look, honestly I had never given a ride to a hitchhiker before. At the time I believed him when he told me that for my own security he needed a copy of my house key and that that was customary for any hitching situation. The part about having to see I wasn't armed by having me drive with my pants around my ankles seemed reasonable to me at the time. In retrospect, I am not entirely sure that what he told me was his own stick shift actually did change the gears no matter how vigorously I tried. To maintain brevity in my post I called it patting my leg when it was more spanking my bottom.

But somehow I feel I failed to communicate how very straight I was. And am. Maybe I should have him write to confirm this. We are, coincidentally, married now but that's mainly for tax reasons and because he provides so many and such thorough free prostate exams.
(thatguyjoe, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 10:28, closed)

^ bit gay mate

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 11:46, closed)

Eerily psychic. Yes, I did bite my gay mate. howdyaknow?
(thatguyjoe, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 11:50, closed)