Blackmail Me
Still makes me feel violated, this one...

I've been wondering whether to confess to this, but confessing and Catholics have a similar symbiotic relationship as lemmings and cliffs.

So here goes.

When I first moved to London I secured a room in a shared house in Hackney. I was there for about a month before I hastily packed my bags and legged it without telling anyone. I literally ran away in shame.

The people I shared with were ok. Everyone pretty much kept themselves to themselves. There were a few Quentin and Saffron types, you know, the sort who would snort at me when I got out a loaf of Hovis. One time a girl who lived there said: "Haven't you ever heard of focaccia?" In a pitying tone. I responded with: "fuck-at-ya?" And this girl looked at me like I was a walking turd, she stormed out the kitchen in a bit of a period-tit-lip, but left me alone after that which was fine by me.

Basically, there was nothing I couldn't handle. Nice house, nice base to make my plans for world domination.

The only people I really got on with were the couple who shared the room next to mine.

He was an office-type bod, very middle of the road, a bit doughy but a nice enough fella. She was nice too. Rather heavy set, big fucking butchers hands and a bit of a tash, but she seemed like a nice enough person. When I first moved in she introduced herself, Anne, she said she was a photography student and invited me out for a drink that evening.

The three of us, Anne, her boyfriend, and I ventured out to the local and sank a few jars. We made small talk and came home.

We did this several times over the next few weeks. It was nice. At the time I was working really long days, I'd be the first out the house in the morning and the last back. So it was great to just unwind with a couple of normal people over a pint or two.

About a week before I did a runner, the tubes were on strike and being a thick twat who can't drive, I found myself stranded in the house. My boss decided I could work from home. Result!

So when Anne came into the kitchen in her dressing gown and saw me quite happily munching at my sugar puffs, she was quite surprised.

"Spanky! Aren't you supposed to be working?" She asked, looking rather too fucking pleased to see me.

I explained that my job involved travelling all round London, and because of the tube strike I was effectively fucked.

"Oh, I just need to phone someone - I'll be right back!" And she waddled out the room in a bit of a fluster. I remember thinking she was smiling a little too much.

Oh, fuck! I could almost see where this was leading...

Moments later Anne returned, still in her dressing gown.

"Spanky - I've been meaning to ask you something..."

"Oh?" I replied, feeling that sinking feeling inside. I really didn't fancy complicating my living situation by fucking the girl who lived with her boyfriend in the room next door. Besides, she was a fucking whale.

But it wasn't what I thought at all. Not in the slightest.

Anne went on to explain she really, really, REALLY needed my help. She was DESPERATE. She said she was failing her photography course and had left it until the last minute to sort out her coursework.

It took a fair bit of fumbling round the subject, but eventually by the time I'd started my second cup of coffee she'd managed to let me know what she wanted from me...

I took a moment to think it through. "Sure," I said. "Why the fuck not?"

I had a shower, chucked some clothes on.

And then I went to Anne's room.

I'd never been in there before. It was quite a lot bigger than my room. Bit of a tip, but Anne was a student and her boyfriend was working most of the time. Thankfully he wasn't here now, that would've been weird.

Anne posed me and took some photos with a compact camera.

"Err, have you got a better camera than that? I mean, what with you being a photography student and all?" I asked as I stood waving back at her, as she'd posed me, feeling like a grade A plum.

Anne peered over the top of the camera. "No, Spanky - this is the best equipment money can buy! Its small because its so incredibly sophisticated."

Fair enough. I'm hardly Mr Technical, so I let it slide.

After a few minutes of this Anne offers me a drink, a proper drink, some God-awful ouzo she'd picked up on holiday. I was feeling ever-so-slightly freaked out, so accepted the drink. We stopped the photo session to have a fag and took the bottle of booze with us. Then we went back to her room to continue the photo shoot.

I felt good. I was nice and warm and tingly with the booze and the fact I was really helping out a new housemate with her studies.

"Spanky," said Anne, blushing a little. "Would you do me a REALLY HUGE favour? Would you, erm, mind unbuttoning your top."

"This is a t-shirt," I said, the warning sirens started again, but were pretty dull now what with the ouzo I'd quickly necked and my own smug feeling of being such a helpful fucking cunt to a new friend.

"Well, just take that off instead," Anne smiled shyly and hid her face back behind the camera.

Well... Don't get me wrong, I don't usually have a problem with getting my kit off. But this just didn't seem right. I mean, I'd only just the night before been sat in the pub with this girl and her boyfriend. They were the only people in the house who'd give me the time of day.

So, I took my t-shirt off. What can I say, I'm a bit of an attention whore.

Anne was onto her third memory card before the jeans came off.

I was onto the bottle of scotch she plied me with before the pants came down. I really could hardly stand.

The warning sirens, by this time, had a very large Out Of Order sign nailed to them.

"Oh, Spanky," Anne giggled. "You're even more drunk than me! Why don't you have a lay down?" And she indicated her bed. All the time the camera was going.

Anne passed me the rest of the bottle of scotch and started explaining to me that she really wanted to capture something base and male in photo, she wanted to record an incredibly animal and dynamic act, she wanted to-

"I want to see you masturbate, Spanky."

Fuck... or rather, fuck - why not! I'm shit faced!

And so I did. While she took photos. I splurted a nice sizable load over my stomach and chest, staggered to my feet, shrugged my clothes on, and left, feeling just a little bit groggy and incredibly strange.

"Thanks, Spanky!" said Anne, as I saw her rush over to her computer to download the shoot.

I was so drunk I slept the rest of the day. The only thing I remember was hearing the door slam about fifteen minutes after we'd finished. Must've been Anne going out somewhere. That evening I got up and went into the kitchen to fix some food. Anne's boyfriend was there, I couldn't look him in the eye.

I just mumbled hello and sat at the kitchen table. We both heard the front door go and looked up to see Anne. She saw me and froze. She was wearing a fucking suit! A really expensive looking suit. I'd never been in the house at this time of day before on a week day, it just occured to me then, I had no idea what these people got up to for most of the day because I worked such stupid hours.

"Hello, darling - How was work?" asked Anne's boyfriend.

"Work?" I mumbled. "Aren't you a student?"

"No, Spanky," said Anne's boyfriend with swelling pride. "Anne works in the city. PR. Very clever girl, our Anne."

Anne shot me a look as if to say: 'please don't tell!'

And I didn't. I just sat there and pieced it all together. I realised that earlier in the day when Anne had seen me muunching my sugar puffs, she'd rushed out to phone her work to say she was going to be in later, much later. I realised she hadn't actually been drinking much if anything at all. And I also realised she definately wasn't a photography student, just some weird, strange, manipulative perv who wanted nudie photos of me pulling the pud.

"You fancy going for a pint in a bit, Spanky?" asked Anne's boyfriend.

"Nah, you're alright," I replied.

So...

If anyone's aware of any naked photos of my good self doing the rounds on this here internet thing, maybe even some of the choice ones of me squirting a nice thick load, please feel free to blackmail me... sorry, I mean email me with the details...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:10, 14 replies)

Epic...

nicely told! -

*clicks hard*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:22, closed)

This is all very nice n that
Spanky or should it be Spunky
I keep trying to write something of my own and you are there with another great story.
Now I haven't got any time left.

But click click
You moist chested Perv
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:30, closed)

lol jesus christ spanky whyyyyyy

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:33, closed)

I'll keep an eye out
for those photos!

clicks!
(Save Us All !!!, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:37, closed)

i have a similar story
Except I wasn't tricked into doing it, I was paid. I also didn't come all over myself. I have seen myself stark bollock naked on only 3 sites so far which is a bit of a relief.

Anyway nice story. Clicked.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:37, closed)

You
are a grade A plum!

clicky clicky clicky!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:38, closed)

Could be worse
She might have sold them to a gay porn magazine/website.

Try not to let that one play on your mind ;-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:58, closed)

Thats a long one!
I wonder if that's what Anne was thinking too!

Click!
(Errin C, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 17:00, closed)

But
did you shag her before you did a runner?
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 1:41, closed)

This girl couldn't go on safari
Some fucker would've shot her, cut off her head, and had it mounted on a wall.

She was a fucking hairy beast.
( SpankyHanky, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 12:32, closed)

Hahah!
But you didn't answer!
Was she any good?
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 13:38, closed)

Truth is
if I wasnt so hammered I probably wouldv'e had a go. But she didn't seem interested in anything except taking photos... which scares the hell out of me... this is why I trawl gay porn sites now looking for the evidence of this weird day, well, thats my excuse anyway...
( SpankyHanky, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 16:48, closed)

Haha fair play
I was only joshing anyway like. God knows I'm not one to talk about the porking of fatties!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 1:18, closed)

I think
you're such a fucking liar.
You have far too many interesting *read, made up* stories on here to be true.
It all stinks of a desperation to fit in, the only thing you are acheiving is making your self look like a lying tosser.
Are you related to legless?
(b3ta_polis, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 23:36, closed)