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This is a question Housemates From Hell III

I once had a flatmate who was so lazy he had a fungus growing in a cup in his bedroom - it was white and whispy so he nicknamed it "Albert". Tell us your tale of living with the disturbed, the odd, the fragile and the downright filthy.

(, Thu 12 Mar 2015, 17:40)
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House of Cunts
When I first passed through the Omnivoox and entered (ooer) your world, I was greatly confused and discombombulated, and worked for a while in a fast food establishment. You can read all about that here:


Whilst working there I lived in a dilapidated ramshackle Victorian slum tenemant shared hovel with half a dozen odd other cunts. From hell? I wish! The domain from which these cunts hailed made hell look like Pontins. And I include myself in that - my seventh incarnation was a complete cunt. An insane, ginger one, at that.

The other cunts in that House of Cunts, as far as I can recall through those omnivoox-addled early years, were:

Mahab Mahan Masturbhatta: A slim young dark skinned fellow who lived to masturbate. All he did was wank! You'd go downstairs in the morning to see him naked and pumping his greased cock over a video of Annabel Chong being fucked by hundreds of blokes. Or you'd find cum-caked copies of Oriental Anal in the bog. Sometimes he'd go mad and leap naked around the house masturbating, shrieking 'WANKAAAA! WANKAAAA! WANKAAAA! WANKAAAAGHHHH!' and then ejaculating over the wallpaper, saucepans, cat etc. He never cleaned his room or changed his bedsheets, and the smell was indescribable. Indescribable.

Tipp-A-Tapp the Clown: A clown. Never found out his real name, but he went by the 'professional' name of Tipp-A-Tapp. His clown costume was made of rubber and he wore an enormous sombrero. His 'act' involved creeping up on women and exposing himself. Fair enough, but when in the house he would play 'Initial Success' by B.A. Robinson over and over again and an intolerable volume. To this day I can't hear 'Kool in the Kaftan' without breaking out in hives.

Ruth: I think she was a prostitute, but I never saw money change hands. Again, never knew her real name, I just called her Ruth cos she looked like Ruth Madoc. Only had one leg and smoked endless cigarettes (very rare those). Yes, I fucked her, more than once - many times. I dind't care how infected she was. More fool me as I ended up with galloping knobb rot and all green stuff came out of the end of my cock and it was so bad I almost regenerated.

Partley Parsons: an alcoholic, out of work actor. Never sober, he would regularly descend into shrieking fits of self-loathing during which he would strip naked, smear himself in his own shitt, then run after you and try to hug you whilst screaming: 'WHYYY does nobody love me?' Seems to be doing OK now though, saw him in Wolf Hall the other week.

Giggly Gus: A small, thin, bespectacled guy, who would just giggle and giggle. And giggle and giggle. And giggle and giggle. And giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle and giggle.

Bhougremious Fpoon: An Irasian (?) man in his 50s who was convinced he had invented a supercomputer which he had built in his room but it was really only a massive pile of junk, shopping trollies, calculators, televisions, prams, tampons, cereal packets etc which smelt almost as bad as Mahab Mahan Masturbhatta's room. His cuntery involved him always talking in an extremely loud voice, and never flushing the bog after having a big shit.

Sir Doggly Satanblaster: He SAID he was a priest, but he looked like Jeff Wode/Meatloaf. He was in a metal band called FUCKAKUNT who would practice in the living room. Nice chap, actually - except for his habit of painting tiny faces onto Rice Krispies and leaving them on the stairs for you to tread on and crush - upon which he would kick the living shit out of you. I always used to use the drainpipe to get to my room to avoid this. He was great friends with Tipp-A-Tapp, they bonded over B.A. Robertson.

Katie Hopkins. Enough said!

Anyway, after a couple of months there I'd had enough so I got my revenge one night. I burnt it down! And they all died! IN A FIRE!*

(*Except Hopkins unfortunateley)


(, Mon 16 Mar 2015, 18:48, 9 replies)
it was going so well, and then you spoilt it by jumping on the clarkson bandwagon
and I didn't read any more
(, Mon 16 Mar 2015, 19:34, closed)
Now you've reminded me
it wasn't Clarkson


Edits done

(, Mon 16 Mar 2015, 19:41, closed)
I paid for the cleaning, at least.
(, Mon 16 Mar 2015, 20:40, closed)
Turns out someone is reading all that shit you type, after all.

(, Mon 16 Mar 2015, 19:54, closed)
are you
Pickled onion, beef, or that nasty spicy one that tastes of sick?
(, Mon 16 Mar 2015, 20:03, closed)
Consensus is that I'm pickled onion,
but Flamin' Hot holds a special place in my heart.
(, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 9:10, closed)
You know, I'm actually going to click this, for the rice crispies with faces idea

(, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 9:12, closed)
I liked it.

And it was the rice crispies and getting the shit kicked out of you if you stood on them that did it for me.
(, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 10:22, closed)
Robinson or Robertson?
Inquiring minds need to know*

*how flameproof you really are
(, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 12:34, closed)
And then Tom Baker jizzed on my back.

(, Tue 17 Mar 2015, 21:46, closed)

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