Emma
I had a decent flat in first year uni, out of the 7 people, 4 of us, the boys, remained good mates and now share a house, with 5 others which is all in all, not bad.

The girls were a little odd, but the worst was Emma.

Emma, the beast. The senior resident who lived in our flat and took her role seriously. At 26 she was by far the oldest in the flat, a big, fat manc lass. I say fat, I’m not sizist, but she was a whale, I’d not have minded, but she wore tops that showed off her massive belly. Every day I’d have to fight to keep my meal down as that big blotchy belly bounced in my view. Had she been nice, I’d not have minded, but my god was she annoying. She was weird with me, one moment, she hated me because I was playing with matches in the kitchen, or being too loud, or having a water fight. In fairness, I was a naughty bugger, but so were the rest of the boys. She picked on me. When I wasn’t the target of her hate, she loved me, fund me so funny, charming and sweet, asking why I didn’t have a girl friend etc. I used to get stuck doing dishes with her, and actually hid a knife under the water just in case she tried anything with me. She was also thick, I mean super thick. Never got the hang of dealing when she dealed for us in poker, couldn’t pass her law course despite having resat 2 years, ever point she made about a story on the news contradicted itself, repeated stories over and over, usually had the same conversation at least 3 times in a week.

Worst thing ever was on my 19th, my dad was in the area so popped in with some booze for me, we had just made up after a bit of a fall out, we were headed to his car to grab some stuff when she came and asked me to fix her laptop, I said I would when I got back in 5 mins. She said I had to now, I told her my dad was there and I didn’t have time. She grabbed me and pulled me into her room, I decided too suggest what was wrong and then jump out, her room was creepy. She had so much un-opened booze, and a shelf full of carry on films. I think she had the lot. It was also very clean, but smelled like take away, every sort of take away massed up and dipped in fat.

Its hard to describe how annoying she was, she made our flat the tour flat, claiming we would get rewarded, so every Wednesday id be woken by a tour of morons talking loudly in my flat. We got no reward. She told me off for playing with fire, when my friends was doing it in front of her, me protesting that she could see it wasn’t me so why was I in trouble. Obviously, I fought back. We pranked her something rotten. We jammed a chair in her door so it woulden’t open. No complaints. We turned the handle of her cupboard round so it woulden’t open. No complaints. Filled the cistern of her toilet with coffee, washing up liquid, squash, anything we could find. No complaints. The only prank that ever got a complaint was when me and my flat mate filled a balloon with water, making it HUGE, seriously, at least 8 litres of water in it, which my friend tried to position on the closing mechanism of her door so that it fell on her when it opened, only the balloon split while he was putting it up, soaking him, sending a tsunami under her door. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, watching her shout at me made it all the better.

Looking back, I may have been a bad flat mate. Constant arson, setting up a massive catapult in the hall, making a fort out of mattresses, hitting everything with the giant spoon to see what was chipped by it, all in all, I was annoying but fun. I now have a fair collection of sword. So people don't mind.
(Mong goose, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 23:17, Reply)

Um, I think it might have been me.
I sleepwalk. A bit. Normally it's not much of a problem, I'll find myself waking up wandering around the house in the middle of the night needing a wee or something to eat, so I’ll go to the bog or the fridge, get back to bed and that’s that.

Very occasionally there may be a minor indiscretion, such as the time I walked into my girlfriend’s sister’s bedroom as she was on the job with some fella and tried to get into bed with them, but generally people understand when I explain the score and accept it in good humour and without thinking there’s anything sinister about it.

Except for this one girl.

Poor lass. She moved into a shared house I was living in, and for some reason, whatever part of my brain was in charge of sleepwalking just seemed to have it in for her. I had absolutely no idea why. She was nice. But she certainly didn’t think I was.

I didn’t tell her that I sleepwalk when she moved in; I just didn’t think to do so as it’s so rarely an issue. So when after a few days I came to notice that she was being strangely frosty towards me, I couldn’t work out why - until word got back to me that I’d wandered into her bedroom in the middle of the night and stood glaring at her for a few minutes, freaking her out somewhat. When I found out I did my best to explain and make light of it, however it was clear that whereas I was able to find some humour in the situation, she clearly was not.

A few nights after that I woke up suddenly to find myself confronted by her. She was a little bit cross, enquiring as to what the fuck I thought I was doing, and suggesting I get the fuck out of her room - which indeed I was stood in. With a spoon in my hand. I apologised as best I could and made my way back to my own bed in a state of embarrassment and mild confusion.

I didn’t know anything about the next time until the morning after, when she had a right old go at me for barging into her room, tipping the contents of her chest of drawers all over the floor then walking out again. She called me all the names under the sun and at one point threatened to do me physical harm if it happened again. I tried to reassure her it wouldn’t, but I’m not sure she was convinced - she kept using words like “bullshit", “fucking freak” and “pervert”.

A week or so later I was rudely awoken by a shoe being thrown into my face at high velocity accompanied by a volley of very high pitched screaming. If I’m honest I can probably understand why, seeing as I was stark naked and standing next to her open wardrobe that was making a distinct dripping noise and smelt suspiciously of fresh piss. And, to be fair, I certainly did seem to be languidly wanking my flaccid cock at her.

She moved out.
.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 23:01, Reply)

Me.
We were all equal - none of us gave a fuck. The bath was black, toothbrushes were a memory, we had about 100 plates, and by the end of the year all of them had been used at least twice (top and bottom) and never washed.

I tried to wash up once - the growths on the cloths in the sink made me vomit. I put extra plates on top and left it.

By the time we moved out,it looked lke a tribe of gypsies had stabled cows in the bathroom, we'd used the kitchen as a greasy spoon and the bedrooms as brothels. Click I like this if you went to uni too :)
(TheMole, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 22:54, Reply)

Worst flat mate I ever had
Was a poor chap called Nigel. He was ran over by a steam roller.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 22:48, Reply)

I am the worst.
I have been the worst guy to live with I know.  Once I let some girl and her boyfriend move in with me.  She was pregnant.  I just let it happen.  You know the worst part?  I can't figure out how to get rid of me.
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Thu 5 Apr 2007, 22:44, Reply)

makes me feel ill just thinking about it...
at uni (isn't it always), me and the boy moved into a tiny flat with another couple (it was very cheap rent). The girl was a friend of mine but her other half was mad. Literally mad. Telling the girl that she was fat (she was tiny) so that at one point she was practically starving herself at one time. Also telling her that she was no longer allowed to smoke... and then sparking up in front of her face - and losing it if she dared to go against him. Like I say, mad. There was lots of other stuff too. Fighting and general crazy behaviour. We made a swift getaway after a couple of months I can tell you.
(whatktdid, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 22:24, Reply)

I once lived in an issue of 'Better Living'

with Nimby, Gumby's more upper-middle-class cousin.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 22:11, Reply)

Floaters
My first year at Northern Michigan University and I was living in the dorms. I shared a room with another kid who ended up being a great friend. We shared the bathroom with 2 suite-mates, who seemed like decent guys. After everyone settled into the routine we got to see what they were really like.

Our first conflicts came when our suitemates continually refused/forgot to flush the toilet. This is a problem that never went away.

When it came time to split up provisions, my roommate and I agreed to buy the first round to toilet paper, they would buy the next, etc. Only they never provided their own. Finally after having bought several, my roommate and I decided to keep our own stash and carry it into the toilet each time.

This is the point at which I believe our suitemates stopped using toilet paper all together.

You may ask how I know they stopped, and this goes back to the problem of not flushing the toilet. Daily, upon returning from my first classes, I would go in for my morning glory, only to be greeted by the dreaded floater. Like clockwork there would be a ripe shit in the toilet with no trace of toilet paper to be found.

To this day it still boggles my mind. Did they wipe BEFORE shitting? No, that would be inconceivable. Did they pack the toilet paper out with them and dispose of it another way? The only plausible conclusion I could come up with is they gave up wiping all together.

If you can figure this one out you are smarter than I.
(pdizz, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 22:10, Reply)

I once shared a flat with the devil
That was hell...

Click 'I like this' if that was the worst joke you've ever heard made up on the spot...
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 21:51, Reply)

'fill in' Flatmates suck
Basically I was sharing a house with a treky welsh sonic the hedgehog obsessed fan artist (she was ace and one of the best sonic artists online). We had 2 spare bedrooms and not much cash so we needed 2 flatmates to lower bills and what not.

Unfortunatly the 2 girls that came along wernt like us (we being girl geeks who like games, films and the internet), they were the very prety, make up and fashion/diet obsessed kind. Nothing wrong with that, but they never socialised with us and were always losing their keys after drunk nights out.

One downstairs borrows the main tv's arial and never gives it back, also leaves her room window open, letting anyone just break into the house. Also smoked in the house which was the one main rule. One day I brought a friend over and as i put the key in the door she opened it to throw a ciggarete out the door, landing on my face....
Blaring music (got a complaint from the neighbours) and the place stank of pot.

The other girl's room was next to mine, where her (rather rank) halfclothed bf half lived and they had very loud sex (he was a screamer, she was a squeaker on her squeaky bed) like, all the time. Any time of the day (often when me and sonic girl were in the kitchen below where they thought we couldnt hear).

Downstairs girl eventually left one day after never paying any bills, the other left and never came back, leaving all her stuff from pc to tv. Months went by and when I eventually moved out, her stuff was still there...Freaks
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 21:49, Reply)

Can't think of any.
Which probably means its me.
(Woody999, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 21:47, Reply)

4th Year Uni
After splitting with my girlfriend of a year and half, and having just moved into a flat with said ex, I managed to swap my uni room to another elsewhere on campus.
This place was much nicer, as I had a gorgeous 5ft Blonde girl Emma right next door to me, and just down the hall was a lovely 6ft skinny Dutch girl (damn, what was her name?!). Now this 5ft blonde was your very stereotypical blonde, everything had to pink, always walked out of the room perfectly dressed, perfect make-up the works.
One day she was having problems with her printer, and asked me to have a look at it. So in I delve into her room, expecting it to be as clean and pristine as she was? Except it was a fucking eyesore, she had knickers all over the floor (used and clean ones), garbage in her bed and on the floor, you get the idea. But lovely girl tho.

She made up for it with a threeway sandwich with her and the dutch girl (OK, so it was a booty grind on the dancefloor, blonde behind, and dutch in front, but I still enjoyed just as much!)
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 21:24, Reply)

Dont drink the tea at student digs
My GF was at UNI living in a shared student house. Imagine her horror when she came downstairs one morning to discover that one of her housemates had been soaking her time of the month knickers on the window sill (yes they were stained).(Think thats bad, theres more).....in a communal mug and she couldnt see why any other housemates were disgusted. So miss X of X, you know who you are you...you..words still fail me.
(freddred, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 21:18, Reply)

In my second year at uni, it was a house full of 5 guys
and the dynamic quickly split the house in half. Thinking six years down the line, Im still in two minds about whether I hate the three guys who made that year hell, or love them. They were something like the Marx Brothers, with a kilo of charlie shoved up their combined noses.
One, tall, thin, violent, a Sports Scientist. The next, wiser, old, stockier, and the brains of the bunch.
But Johnny. Oh, Johnny. I miss that crazy son of a bitch. When sober, Johnny was the nicest guy in the world, if not the cleverest, but when plied with cheap alcohol and drugs, Johnny was a monster. Johnny set himself on fire. Johnny can fit 54 Maltesers in his mouth. Johnny got arrested for shitting on the pub pool table and then falling asleep naked in that pile of faeces.

Between the three of them, they were banned from 50 pubs in Portsmouth. They once bought an incontinent ferret for a fiver and let it loose in the house before letting it roam free in Portsmouth's happy streets. They smashed every plate, cup and bowl in the house clay pigeon shooting, but throwing rocks because they didnt have guns. They lifted the entire three piece suite and the TV a mile to the beach just to watch the football by the sea (and were then arrested for Fly Tipping) Every single one of our neighbours hated us, the police visited once a month because of their combined antics, the landlord couldn't kick them out and they did a total of 10 grands worth of damage to a poxy student house. I despised them, but, thinking back, I admired them.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 21:02, Reply)

I met one of my friends
once he moved into a friends house after the psyco g/f beater moved out. he has lived and known people far more mental than anyone i have ever encountered. After hearing some accounts of our exploits he procecded to top them one after.

So far his best experince concerened a group of stoners who got evicted for non payment of rent two months after moving in. Slightly peeved by thier landlord's decicision they threw a eviction party* where they informed the guests they would not be allowed to leave untill they could prove that they alone had done atleast 30 quids worth of damage to the property.

Arson, window smashing, graffiti, and general destruction cumulating in the house being less habitable than a hole in the ground. Get in! :)

*if you ever are in the Hull/humber region never pass up a chance to go to a eviction party.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:57, Reply)

So she's my best friend and love her dearly but thank God she doesn't know what b3ta is
While we were living together (about 3 yrs ago) I noticed she has serious issues with bowel function, love her but there is a problem when I open the washing machine and there is clumps of brown poo in it, or I go to take a shower and ur stained panties are spread all over the floor. Sorry love, youre a great person, but you got issues. Now, she carries around a foul odor 75% of the time. Her new roommate(another of my good friends) put her shampoo and conditioner on the tallest shelf in the shower (she's short) just to see how many days she will wait to ask him to get it down. That's how many days she goes with out shampoo. Also she doesn't take showers she lies in the tub swimming in her own filth that has been collected over 2-3 sometimes even 4 days. They call her snail trail because one night she had a huge wet spot from vaggie to hiney after she went out drinking with her boyfriend (with whom i assume she wanted some action and she told me she was horny). She pulls her hair back so no one will notice how oily it is, and it looks like a bunch of tangled fuzz, when she takes her hair out of her elastic it has clumps of hair stuck to it, she has 4 or 5 hairy elastics hanging around the bathroom. Her lovely roommate refers to them as Furbies. Oh, and his dog loves to break into her room and tear up her bloody/pooey stained thongs. Sorry for length but it's been years since my last post.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:51, Reply)

I shared a house with a variety of fuckups during my last year at university
the obsessive compulsive bloke who hoarded his urine and faeces in jugs in his room, that would tie-up the bathroom for 1h40min every morning, yet still stink of BO. Who once spilled his piss/shit so that the whole house stank.

the nigerian seventh day adventist who worked fro the MOD who had an illegal pistol and blastic caps in his room, and who, when his best mate died, would sit up all night drinking 3litre bottles of white cider and crying really really loudly cradling his gun.

the guy who worked as an estate agent, but lived and slept in our, damp leaky conservatory.

the two illegal bosnian immigrants/asylum seekers, who'd sit in their pants in the kitchen watching the telly ALL DAY

the foreign bloke who claimed variously to be a sonographer, a dentist and a lawyer

It was torture, but hey, the rent was very cheap.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:43, Reply)

I still live with my family
Though my brother is the worst person you'd ever want to meet, sits up all night swearing at his video games, doesn't wash for weeks on end, literally smells like crap most of the time, and, to top it off, leaves stuff lying around in MY room, when his is bigger.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:41, Reply)

When you fisrt moved into a student house
what did you get first? Ikea plates? a tesco value kettle? a selction of road signs?.

Not my flatmate, first day in he immedately clocked what he needed and when straight to the local gun shop and got a kantanna sword.

Foolish? not really not only is a great conversation starter, for instance evryone was talking about the time another flatmate ran off with it in order to join in a street fight(see my other posts)

Also the nieghbors borrowed it so they could threaten to cut the offending parts off thier sex pest/nudist flatmate.

Do you have a house sword?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:36, Reply)

Psycho
Nutter, pstcho, weirdo.

A girl I lived with in (one of) my student houses was a girl called Hilly (Name changed to protect the psycho).

Before I moved in we used to talk on the phone and she seemed normal - fine.

When we moved in to the house, there were 6 of us in total, she turned out to be a feckin' whack job. Not a day went by when we wouldn't argue - I mean proper yelling, screaming - I don't know why but she was an argumentative bitch.

I hated her after a few months and I think the feeling was mutual and we then used to pick fights over nothing.

God alone only knows how we didn't kill each other....

Erm, apologies if this seems angry, but I'm drunk and I'm good to go postal....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:31, Reply)

Actually a good roomate but funny story
Freshmen year of college I shared a room with a Japanese exchange student. He had been in the country all of 2 months, which is a story in itself.

Anyway, one day I'm sitting in the cafeteria with an old buddy from back home when this other Japanese guy (there were lots)comes over and asks if he can sit down. "sure" we says, thinking "Why not". After a few minutes of the how are yous, and where are you froms, he asks me if I'm Yang's roommate.
"yea" I says in which he replies, ahem

"I hear you have very larger member"

"excuse me?"

and he says it again!

"I hear you have very larger member"

I grin and my buddy almost falls on the floor.

Turns out Yang has caught a few glimpses of me after I get of the shower and has been talking about me, obviously very impressed.

When I talked to him about it, he admits it and trys to tell me the other guy is gay and sleeps with a teddy bear or something....I dunno....

we're still friends, he's a good guy 'cept for the peaking

length? girth? ask yang
( Krog3r has acquired some deceant lurkage, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:28, Reply)

One flatmate...
Mentalist.

Events included:
- cutting up clothes (dressing like David Blunkett picking clothes from Gene Simmons and Twiggy's wardrobes)
- throwing furniture out his window
- smashing everything left in his room up (everything: plates, bed, wardrobe, chair, cups, clothes, posters, wall. All, perhaps ironically, put in a neatish pile in the middle of the room.)
- shitting on the kitchen floor
- being dragged away by the police shouting "Fight the power!" to his girlfriend and mate
- pissing on my couch
- getting his mate to beat up another of our flatmates
- shitting, yes, shitting, on our kitchen floor

Mentalist.

Did I mention he shat on our kitchen floor?
(Lannes, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:23, Reply)

Has anyone seen the Vodkat vodka ads?
the tagline " cool, calm and incontroll. Vodkat vodka" you know the one im talking 'bout.

nearly all my experince of male nudity can be traced to the fact my local jacksons will sell you two liters for 8 pounds.

Yayy flatmates
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:18, Reply)

I'm a fresher at University of Edinburgh...
and was placed in a flat with four strangers for allocated accommodation this year.
Two are fantastic people and are now probably my closest friends.

The other? Well.
Just a few faults, yeah? Nothing serious.
1. Only ever eats pasta with cheese - which he overcooks to a stage where it's just a big homogenous lump
2. Has long horrrrrible greasy black hair which gets everywhere; (the plughole I can tolerate, the toaster? That bothers me...)
3. Has a horrible Belfast accent and he talks like a hybrid between a duck and Ian Paisley on helium.
There's more, but I could go on and on.
After a while, it grates, and grates.
And grates. And grates. And grates. And grates. And grates.

It's like he takes that cheesegrater of his, heats it, and pretends my scrotum is some fine Tesco Miiiiiiild Cheddar.

But that's fine - I mean a little abuse like that anyone can take right?

Anyway, we proceded to have a flatparty.
To cut a long story a little less long (apologies for length), a mixture of alcohol and drugs convinced us putting people in the shower against their will.
When it came to Luke (thats his name - just imagine saying it like you're a duck, thats what he sounds like), being a stone sober T-totaler, he gave us the run around for a bit.

Eventually, I got his arms - two guys got a leg each.

A few hours later I was in A&E.
For the greasy bastard had grabbed his penknife of his desk, and stabbed me.

Yes. He stabbed me.


Fortunately, I avoided the majority of the blade and in return the majority of the blade missed my vital organs.

He claimed it was an accident.
I never pursued the matter... something told me a blood test would have shown I was in a condition making me capable of stabbing myself without realising...

I avoid him when he grates his cheese from now on though.
(unbornchickenvoices, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:10, Reply)

true story
its 6 am after a heavy night, flatmate one hears a burst pipe leaking and goes to investigate. finds flatmate two pissing out of his bedroom door.

flatmate 1: wtf? the toilets 10 feet away why are you pissin on the floor, OUR floor?

flatmate 2: fuck that its too far, thats effort and shit man

says it all really.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:08, Reply)

bulimic flatmate
she stole our food, and then puked it up.
that's doubly offensive.
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:06, Reply)