The Fun Police
I remember going to Coombe Abbey (essentially a fucking HUGE park) in Coventry with my mum and dad. It was a sunny day, my dad bought me an ice cream, I was happy as a pig in shit.

We walked past this big stately house they have there and I saw them.

- I very nearly pissed myself -

The biggest, baddest, meanest looking slides I've ever seen in my life. These things were MASSIVE. They made all the kids running round them look like ants at the alter of some mighty heathen god, a slide-shaped alter to the heathen god of fun.

"Dad," I said. "Can I have a go!?!"

"If you must, Spanky," replied my dad. I handed the old man my ice cream and I was off, batting the spawn of other watching parents out the way in my eagerness to have a go on the slides.

I'd had a few goes and was loving it, the feel of the sun on my face, the wind rushing through my hair as I pelted down the slide, running back up the steep steps to have another go.

Then, the hypocrite cunt butted in. He was a park keeper.

"YOU!!! GET OFF THAT SLIDE!!!"

I was at the top waiting for my turn, I looked round, wondering if he was pointing at one of the others waiting to have a go. But no, he was definately pointing at me.

I took the slide down - weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! - and the park keeper was waiting for me at the bottom.

"You're not allowed on there," he said.

"But... You're here to help the public enjoy their time at the park!" I stammered. "Why's everyone else allowed on and I'm not?"

We had to step to one side to continue our conversation as the place was thick with speeding, giggling children going mental in this palace of fun.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see my mum and dad approach, concerned.

"You're not allowed on there, son," repeated the park keeper.

"Why?" I asked.

He narrowed his eyes and responded with a question of his own.

"How old are you?" he said.

"Thirty-three," I replied.

Oh, my mum and dad were so proud.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 15:59, 11 replies)

Click
Do you have a limitless interesting story repository or something?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:06, closed)

Nah
I've just got an incredibly boring deskjob at the moment, coupled with the attention span of a common or garden newt.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:14, closed)

Hmm...
Does this mean that you're gonna run outta stories at some point?

It's a common occurrence, new poster appears, blitzes a few QOTW's, goes mental, vanishes.
( Cawl, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:17, closed)

Apparently I've got a shitload of funnies to tell...
That's what my mates say, anyway - and I've known some of them for twenty-odd years and still come out with shit to make um snort beer out their nostrils.

It depends on when or if I get a new sales job where I'm out and about, meeting the public, sucking off lorry drivers, stealing children from unsuspecting parents, that sort of thing. Then I won't be able to sit and type shit on here all day.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:25, closed)

If he does, is there any chance he could post one of them?

( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Tue 24 Feb 2009, 20:55, closed)

because you're just chock full of amusing and interesting stories aren't you
you daft bint.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 13:41, closed)

Coombe Abbey
I have some great memories of that place, al fresco sex, drug taking, jam sessions (with some quite famous people!) on the lawns.

Nice place, shame about the hordes of chavs and chavspawn that infest the place now.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 17:13, closed)

Yeah
it was great years back. Happiest childhood memories for me were at Coombe Abbey - legging it away from my poor dad and disappearing into the woods. I was playing hide and seek but I dont think my dad realised that. He was too busy having a similtanious heart attack and nervous breakdown trying to find 'that bastard child' of his... ahh, happy days...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 17:17, closed)

Awwwww
you big kid! click!
(Save Us All !!!, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 17:29, closed)

You've been around a bit Spanky.
Haven't you.
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 17:43, closed)

joie de vivre...
...recognises no age limits. And it's not as if the kid's taxes paid for them, is it?
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 2:31, closed)