That's gotta hurt!
A few years back I found myself in Manchester (there's a first - and in this instance, a last time for everything). A crowd of us had come up for the game and we went out on the piss on the night before matchday.

I'd managed to get myself separated from my mates and was staggering along some godforsaken dank, dark northern street, when out of nowhere a skinny, stinking, skag-addict type jumped me from behind.

He pushed me up against a wall and demanded I hand over the mobile phone I was holding - which I'd been frantically using to try and locate which bar my mates had ventured onto.

I was drunk. But not drunk enough to act tough and say, no. So I meekly handed it to him. He grabbed it, examined it and then declared, in some almost unintelligible regional dialect, that he'd only get a tenner for it down the pub.

Admittedly it was a shit phone, an aging Nokia well past its sell-by date.

'Sorry mate,' I said, 'that's all I've got.'

'Fooksake, I'll fooking take it anyweh.' He mumbled.

Happy to at least having avoided being stabbed or attacked with an aids-infested needle, I then began to pluck up some courage.

'Er, would you mind awfully if I kept the SIM card?' I asked in my best home-counties accent. 'Only it's got all my numbers on and I really could do with not losing them.'

He looked up at me and maybe he took pity on this poor, lost southerner, as he nodded in acceptance and began to fiddle with the back of the phone.

With hands violently shaking he managed to remove the battery cover, which he then proceeded to place in his mouth for safe-keeping and then started to fiddle with the SIM slot. This huge effort of manual dexterity now held 100% of his concentration.

And then I had a monumental moment of clarity - I was actually in control of this situation. I'm not a violent person and I haven't been involved in any psychical altercations since school, but the red midst descended like it never has before. Who the fuck was this dirty manc demanding MY phone? How dare he treat a tourist like this? A tourist who was pouring much-needed money into his shithole of a home.

So whilst he stood there with his head bowed, trying desperately to separate my SIM from my phone, I took my opportunity and kicked him as violently and as hard as I fucking could, right between his legs.

I connected perfectly and the rock-solid point of my Chelsea Boot must have sent his bollocks right back up into his drug-addled brain. His head shot up and his eyes opened fully, staring me in the face, not initially with a look of pain - but with a look of genuine surprise and hurt that I'd actually done this to him, especially as he'd been so kind in allowing me to leave with my SIM card.

His face then contorted into a picture of agony and he doubled-over and started to emit a low moan. I grabbed my phone (deciding not to go near the saliva-stained battery cover), looked hastily around and then bolted onto the busiest street I could find. After a few minutes I realised he obviously wasn't in a position to give chase, so I called my mates and got directions to the bar they were at.

Fucking northerners.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 11:54, 31 replies)

you phoned your mates using a mobile with no battery?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 12:07, closed)

Battery cover.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 12:09, closed)

I can't believe that you abused someone's trust like this :(

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 12:11, closed)

Psychical altercation?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 13:03, closed)

Physical - of or pertaining to the body: physical exercise

Altercation - a noisy argument or disagreement, esp. in public.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 13:24, closed)

no, I think you meant 'physical'.
But as this all happened in your imagination, 'psychical' is probably the most appropriate word.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 14:01, closed)

Gangnam Style?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 13:27, closed)

Improvised explosives,
l33t hacking skills, a large property portfolio, and now a one man war on crime?
Holy shit, he's the goddamn Batman!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 13:18, closed)

You fucking southern fairy.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 13:51, closed)

Dirty northern bastard.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 9:19, closed)

Were
you in Canal Street?
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 15:21, closed)

heheheh

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 16:36, closed)

C S
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 8 Mar 2013, 22:13, closed)

I'm calling shenanigans.
There's no fucking way this happened in the City centre.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Fri 8 Mar 2013, 22:58, closed)

I'm calling shenanigans.
The story's from Indiana Sexpest.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 0:00, closed)

Indiana Sexpest Walter Mitty
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 15:15, closed)

You mean 'shitty centre'?
No idea where I was.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 7:44, closed)

in the City centre
(comedy bully grrrr, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 8:46, closed)

Did this imaginary attack happen before or after you imagined your imaginary property portfolio?

(comedy bully grrrr, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 8:46, closed)

Sorry, let me just imagine a response...

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 9:18, closed)

Just out of curiosity
are you genuinely trying to insist that these stories are true? Or are you aware that everybody knows they're nonsense and you're just playing along as a sort of internet "thing"?
(comedy bully grrrr, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 12:57, closed)

Nine years and one story?
And it was shit.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 13:42, closed)

It was shit.
It was also true.
(comedy bully grrrr, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 14:28, closed)

Bully for you!
Yawn...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 14:54, closed)

So this is just your internet "thing" then?
Telling uninteresting lies and then listlessly insisting that they're true? Nice.
(comedy bully grrrr, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 15:57, closed)

For fucks sake...not another stalker.
I'll leave you to debate my internet 'thing'.

Ignores.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 16:53, closed)

https://online.met.police.uk/
(comedy bully grrrr, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 17:47, closed)

amazing how he had such a decrepit phone when he's such a wealthy man.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 10:03, closed)

Indeed.
I've saved a fortune by not succumbing to the latest fads and gadgets.

Currently operating very happily with a battered old Blackberry - which itself was a hand-me-down from a colleague.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 11:08, closed)

Nokia, "decrepit"?
Mines been thrown (hard) at people, walls and the odd errant pet, driven over (twice), dropped in deep puddles a few times, the pool once and had many games of footy with.
Cools your heels there young plummie!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 9 Mar 2013, 11:21, closed)

Shame this a lie eh?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sat 9 Mar 2013, 15:58, closed)