There is one bloke on a forum I frequent...
He has an unhealthy obsession with finding out the details of the largest objects other forum members have managed to put up their arses.
( Muns, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 13:18, 1 reply)

Repost: Ultrasonics are out to get you!
This guy thinks that a "Nazi Cop" and government agencies are using "ultrasonic weapons" to keep him awake at night and to send him crazy.
The page is huuggee but worth skimming through:
www.hiddenmysteries.org/mind/exposed/ex011705c.html
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 11:34, 4 replies)

This guy
Even after years of receiving his emails and reading his rants, I have no idea what he's on about. Something to do with a special banana diet, aliens, Jesus, more bananas, divorce and "Ungas".
As close as I can tell, his wife left him and he went a little bit doolally.
His manifesto is incredibly long, just scroll down to any random point and try to read for a while.
www.godandmothernatureswilldiet.com/longform_files/longform.html
( difficultchild, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 6:17, 6 replies)

Dear Demon Internet,
Yeah, this isn't a Demon Internet bashing post. More a sort of, well, kind of, an apology.
There are still nutters who think an IP address is as good as a street address, and Google kinda helps here.
All niche web sites and chat rooms get nutters, even seemingly intelligent, literate long term members can flip if the correct keywords or sequences of phrases are used. I imagine some of them as believing themselves to be the Internet equivalent of a cold war sleeper.
I got death threats for using 'centripetal force' not....

CENTRI FUCKING FUGAL FORCE YOU FUCKING CUNT NOT FUCKING CENTRI FUCKING PETAL was the initial response I got.
Wikipedia wasn't around, but it was no matter to respond and cite to support my initial answer to the question. I don't feel the need to outline the actual transcript, but I was polite, courteous and provided links to and attributed c&p in responses. Maybe that was the trigger?. How to drive a nutter over the edge by being polite. Death by being English through and through :-)

He, genius he was, posted Demon's address and proudly proclaimed, in capitals, that he was going to come round and do various things to me which made me think he was a qualified butcher. Possibly scary. That I was online meant I was in.
Come round for a cup of tea, invited I. I wonder if he went round and scared the shyte out of anyone there.

Never posted again. We so wanted him to, but he never did. OK, nothing unusual there. Nutter goes off on one, realises he's been a dick and drops that username or just never posts again.

My signature file at the time included my name, company name, telephone number and street address. 200 or so miles north of wherever in London(ish) that exchange was located. Every bloody reply I gave had that info. Every single one, I could be traced so easily by just putting my name into something like 192.com but no, he demonstrated his leet skills with a few lookups and a whois query.
Had he rung the number, he would have got to speak to me directly, or by looking the company up, my boss.

Bless 'em one and all.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 19:56, 7 replies)

In the early days following my divorce, I dabbled in internet dating
I met some lovely ladies, some absolute horrors and a few truly stir-fried mentalists, such as:-
Hippy dippy earth-mother woman - spent 5 minutes standing behind my chair at dinner (where we'd decided to meet) waving her arms round my head 'cleansing my aura'.
Chakra woman. Claimed to be able to find out all about me by putting crystals on my hands and head.
Drunken shouty woman. Steaming drunk when I got to the pub and spent the twenty minutes I lasted in her company loudly bragging about her genital piercings to all and sundry.
But the worst was creepy stalker woman. Saw her a few times, went back to her place more than once but it wasn't to be - or so I thought. She called my work, after I told her I wasn't really interested in her, claiming she was pregnant. Then started to bombard my email account with increasingly bizzare and threatening emails saying what her and her 'cru' (sic) were going to do to me unless I met her again. I had to change my local as she kept turning up, change my email address and eventually my mobile number. She eventually stopped stalking me after about six months (when she found another victim).
On balance, I had more good times than bad when internet dating but it's not something I'd do again.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 18:02, 4 replies)

Yahoo Answers
British person moving to France asks "Can I order stuff online from supermarkets like I can in the UK"

Thinking he means home delivery like Tesco, Waitrose etc... I say "No - the nearest you can get is order it and then go collect.

Some tosspot in Paris says "Yes of course you can, here are the web addresses for the supermarkets", none of which contain home delivery information

Guess who gets chosen for best answer.

Not me - the guy who has lived in the centre of France, nearest town pop 12000 for the last 2+ years
(Alex H, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 17:45, 13 replies)

Oddly, I've met very few until this week
...when I decided to have a clear out and flog a load of crap on ebay.

I listed three suits that were brand new and I had never worn, and some very old, yet decent condition ZX81 tapes - in case a collector was after them or something.

I sold all of the items. The first nutter was the buyer of the ZX81 tapes - he firstly wanted me to send them second class to save on postage (fair enough, although the amount saved was around 17p). I weighed them on the franking machine at work and told him the price. "Too much" he says and then quotes me 20p to send two tapes to him. No, I replied, the postage is most certainly what I said it was. This goes back and forth until he simply just pays for the tapes with no postage and then tells me that as I've tried to "rip him off" with the postage, he will, instead pay none.

Then, the chap with one of the suits emails, quite simply "Where's my suit? I paid immediately, if I hadn't, I expect I would have 10 emails from you by now demanding money. I don't suppose you care about that and only look in your paypal account etc..."
I replied telling him that it was dispatched the next day (he won the auction on Sunday, so could only send them Monday). I got this email from him yesterday! He then emails me this:

"obviously you see the payment in your email account. I guess your interest is to check your payment account and damn any other stuff. Does this makes sense, if that you never received any payment from me, i am sure that i would have received more than ten messages. When i did check the dispatch status, i see todays date, so that means that the item was dispatch today. Sometimes it is good to be honest,cos telling lies ,reflect immediately."

He's got a thing about me sending him 10 emails, despite not actually sending any.

I marked the item as dispatched yesterday when I got home from work, the suit having been sent on Monday. I think he thinks it updates via suit-telepathy or something and therefore I am wrong when I say I sent it Monday.

So....it seems ebay is quite flush with nutters; one that wants the postage costs of 1979, and another who wants the postage performance of a time machine.

Bah - I've fucking had enough of nutters for one day.
(dchurch bah, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 16:27, 18 replies)

Breast is best
Another freecycle story. After weaning her daughter, my flat-mate decided to get rid of an electric breast pump, so she put it up on freecycle. Fairly soon she was contacted by a man who asked many sensible, intelligent questions about the machine - it was clearly something he knew a lot about. Having satisfied himself that it was the type he wanted, he said he'd like to have it.

"Will it be yourself or your partner that will be collecting it?" asked my flatmate.

"Oh, it's not for a partner, it's for me," he replied.

*click* brrrrrrrrrrrrr
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 12:52, 4 replies)

I once got a bit upset a few years ago when I read something on the internet that was a bit dickish.
It sounds stupid, but it really got to me, and I've been trying to deal with it ever since. I've tried all sorts of approaches - seeing the funny side, mocking it (by mocking we reduce the power of a threat), analysing it, telling the person they were stupid, and seeking solace from my friends, but, well - I've never really got over it.

It really was a dickish thing to write, though - really dickish.

It really got to me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 12:51, 12 replies)

Freecycle.
I was helping the folks redecorate their spare room last year, and they'd decided to get rid of a large double wardrobe. Instead of smashing it up and burning it as I had suggested, My mum put it on freecycle and within about 30 seconds someone had snapped it up and said they'd be round later to collect it. I have never used the site, but I can imagine you get all sorts of treehugging weirdos trawling it for free shit.

It took two of us about half an hour to get it down the stairs and out the front door. The woman who came to collect it asked us if we could help her get it into the back of the car.

Her car was a Nissan Micra, with two occupied child seats in the back. She honestly thought that she'd get a double wardrobe in the bootspace of a Micra, and got quite tetchy when we said that there was no way she could, unless she had a wood chipper to hand.

She was clearly a bit stupid and we ended up smashing the wardrobe and burning it.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 11:11, 9 replies)

My dad.
Not on the internet, but does have this bizarre character quirk which means that he insists that I wear smart trousers to formal family occasions.
Fucking cunt, what's wrong with tracky bottoms at a christening?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 8:28, 45 replies)