Bloody New Age Hippy Fathers From Hell
I feel the need to spread some vitriol. Hey, it's what B3ta is for, now that the Daily Hate don't answer my letters. What's a little Anthrax between friends, anyway?

I really, really hate those blokes -a full subspecies of the bastards- who go all fucking new-mannish when their tofu-eating spermatozoa (more likely the milkmans) actually fertilises their Significant Other.

Reading all the books, attending all the classes, holding hands, looking deeply into each other's eyes, declaring undying love, wearing those fucking stupid pregnancy sympathy belly things, not throwing Gina Ford books in the skip where they belong.

At the delivery, bringing the whalesong CD along, massaging backs, mopping brows, doing the Tantric Tibetan YakShagger Breathing Techniques, practically shoving the midwives out of the way as he has watched the DVD and knows better.

Being presented with the pink shouty thing, and having life changing epiphanies, declaring that they would lay down their life this second, that it is the most wonderful thing in the world (ignoring the perspiring sack of innards that has been doing all the hard work).

Everyone else spent nine months being whinged at by a biscuit-craving cow, whose whole idea it was anyway, before escaping to the pub hoping that it was all a bad dream. Followed by a few hours of vague helplessness, panic, terror, hunger, and more pain, before being presented with Mr Squirmy Shouty and going "errr.....fuck".

Getting home and looking at each other in sheer terror. Now what do we fucking do????





Still, turned out OK in the end.

I still hate the right-on gits though (as do their wives in a resigned and despairing way).

I just wait for them to realise that the sprog has (a) different hair colour and (b) a suspicious resemblance to a 'close male friend who he had foolishly assumed was gay'.

Smug bastards.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 18:03, 6 replies)

*clickity click*
Huzzah for terror! I'm told it's absolutely mind-numbing. I am firmly of the opinion that the best use of such books is as fuel to keep the baby warm. Or in lieu of toilet paper when times are hard.

The following people didn't have the benefit of Gina Ford's wisdom: Jesus, Margaret Thatcher, Gandi, William Wilberforce*.


Those who may well have done: Jade Goody, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, anyone who contemplates purchasing a fake belly (ignorance is indeed bliss, I didn't know these existed!).

Instinct, people, it's nature's way of stopping you from killing your brood. Although it may make you try and eat them if you're out of food.



*delete according to political / religious preference.
(Exiled Youth [witty comment], Tue 22 Apr 2008, 18:25, closed)

Have a click
for the "sheer terror" part. I remember that well. The awful feeling that we didn't really know what the hell we were doing, and that we'd forgotten to lift the owners' manual before coming home.

My friend's hubby went a bit mental like that when she was preggers - she ended up punching him in the delivery room when he told her she didn't want an epidural. Punching him in the face. With the words "Oh yes I fucking do"
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 19:21, closed)

*click*
"Tantric Tibetan YakShagger Breathing Techniques" earns you a bonus clicketty.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 22 Apr 2008, 19:38, closed)

*And breathe*
Are you glad you got that out of your system now?
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 19:54, closed)

Kudos for your honesty
I don't admit to my initial post-birth reaction to Sweary Junior (apart from now on t'interweb).

Which was AAAAAARGH! What the fuck happens now? What do I do? Eh? Fucking fuckity-fuck I've never been so shit-scared in my life.

Oh, and *clicky*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 21:12, closed)

hmmmm Margaret Thatcher may not be the best example of someone who was raised fine without silly self-help parenting books
Given that she was apparently raised by a robot and the antichrist.
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 12:11, closed)