Sex makes children. Masturbation does not.
It's 4pm.
Go forth and don't multiply!
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:00, 63 replies)

HaHa
Finished. @16:01:23
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:03, closed)

Okay, you nip round and babysit for a while
.
or maybe not. Might be hard to explain to the kids ...
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:05, closed)

I'm painting a bedroom
with a child.

Does that count, or is it perverted?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:06, closed)

@chickenlady
just a thought - wouldn't a paintbrush or roller be more efficient?

*ducks*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:08, closed)

I decorated a bedroom with a child
once...

The blood goes from red to brown pretty fast though, and the skin and meat shrink :(
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:08, closed)

Painting a bedroom with a child
Is the worst, sickest euphemism I have ever heard.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:09, closed)

Bert
Why no more monkey? Give us Monkeysex!


No - not like that.

Although...
*ponders*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:11, closed)

@TWW
Nope, I'll just tell them you've gone rowing. Or something about a man in a boat anyway.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:12, closed)

@porkylips
better than ski-ing I suppose.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:13, closed)

@Enzyme
I was 100% stupid.

I got my apes and my monkeys mixed up.

If you're after some of the monkeysex though, you remember what we said...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:13, closed)

@TWW
Ski-ing? With global warming just around the corner? They'd never believe that.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:14, closed)

Grumph
someone mentioned Ruth Kelly. There's no way I'm getting it up now.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:14, closed)

@althegeordie
concentrate .... close your eyes ... and think of Kelly Brooks

Better?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:16, closed)

Ooooooh
Kelly Brooks. Lovely face, cracking body, I just wish she didn't have such an offensively dim persona.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:18, closed)

@Althegeordie
Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher Margaret Thatcher

Serves you right for being late.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:19, closed)

Kelly Brooks?
*wishes he didn't have to hurt people to enjoy himself*

*doesn't feel bad about hurting her*
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:20, closed)

@Bert
I have no idea what your reply to me means. Sorry for being slow, but have I missed something?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:22, closed)

@Enzyme
In relation to the monkey thing? See the post below, I accidentally confused monkeys with apes.

As for us getting the monkeysex on, I told you before, shave, tie your hair back, and we'll be all set. :D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:24, closed)

Dammit Bert
you said the last time was a one off. I'm taking my monkeys back if you do it again.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:26, closed)

@al
You're not the boss of me!
You don't own me, I never said this relationship was exclusive.

Here *throws monkeys* you can have your monkeys back!
You never really loved me anyway, not the way I want to be loved.

*runs away crying*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:28, closed)

@Bert
aaaw don't, I hate to see a grown man cry

*giggles behind hands*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:30, closed)

Bert!


Bert?



BEEEERRRRRRTTTT!!!!!!

*collapses to knees*
*throws fists in the air*

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:35, closed)

I'm going to stay with my sister
when you've decided you can be a real man, and give me back my monkeys, maybe, just maybe I'll think about coming back to you.


...do you fancy spitroasting a goat in a coat with me?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:38, closed)

can we
spitroast a goat in a coat with a stoat?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:39, closed)

You can...
But it'll cost you 1 groat to do it on my boat.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:40, closed)

On a boat?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:40, closed)

While watching
Murder She Wrote? And the boat will be on a moat.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:42, closed)

You silly old
dote, how would it float?
Please lick my scrote, while I write a note and Kaol knocks together a nice fruit compote.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:44, closed)

If you want
I'll give you a quote*

*the term quote may imply a damn hard rogering
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:46, closed)

I won't
Touch your scrote...
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:46, closed)

Dammit Bert = Dani Behr?
Sorry.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:47, closed)

@PJM
????
Your Dani Behr reference has me flummoxed.

But Ice Warriors was pretty ace.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:49, closed)

Bert
I keep running into conversational lag, someone mentioned Ruth Kelly and the next thing I saw was "Dammit Bert"...

In order to undo the mind-damage my brain immediately pictured Dani Behr. Presto!

nb: Dani Behr is used for illustration purposes only.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:51, closed)

So to summarise
Do I want to spitroast a goat in a coat with a stoat, on a boat on a moat, for a quote for one groat, whilst watching Murder she Wrote but you won't touch my scrote?

Errrrm, well, I was going to say yes, but you liked Ice Warriors?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:52, closed)

I see...
Dani Behr -Looks of a porn star, voice of a coal miner.

EDIT Ice Warriors was the business! It was like Gladiators on ice.
Rok was the best, I can't remember anyone else though, except that annoying mascot thing.

PLUS ...while I write a note and Kaol knocks together a nice fruit compote
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:53, closed)

When put like that Bert
I can't imagine a better combination. Apart from if she had the sphincter of a goat of course.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:55, closed)

My other half has a theory
that only women fancy Angelina Jolie. Opinions on a postcard please.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:55, closed)

I fancied Angelina Jolie
before it was cool, back when she had the short hair.

Now, I have very little interest in celebrities, female or otherwise.

@al that's one hell of a sexy combination!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:57, closed)

Angelina?
Agreed. Whenever la Jolie's on TV every woman around assumes you're lusting after the pillow lipped one.

I mean, she's alright and all but not my thing.

And she's in dire need of a burger or six these days too.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:58, closed)

@al
Which orofice would the sphincter replace?

Just opening up new possibilities...
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:58, closed)

@MM
Left nostril
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 16:59, closed)

@Kaol
Now that's a shopping opportunity
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:01, closed)

Damn right.
*counts pocket change*
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:02, closed)

Ummm
Photoshopping opportunity....



or am I just having a thick day.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:04, closed)

Loving the extensive text input on this
www.geocities.com/hollywood/makeup/2457/behr.html
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:07, closed)

Aaaah nasosexuality.
nothing like taking Dani Behr up the left nostril. She's got an olfactory canal like a goats sphincter that one.

Re: Angelina, to be fair I wouldn't say no, but neither would I lust after her. I mean if she cam up to me and said "trousers down, i'm feeling hot" I wouldn't fight her off. But if she wanted me to go on top, I don't know if I could be bothered.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:08, closed)

Haha!
He said the ice thing was crap, and he likes her feet! What a FREAK.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:09, closed)

@Bert
It's worth looking around it a bit. His view on Samantha Janus :

I could spend the rest of my life looking at the first picture in this set sexy shoes or what!!!! and as for those sensational ankles. Bring back game on she was always flashing her feet there.


And Princess Diana:
The world is a much sadder place without her around. The ultimate Britbabe. Having said that her feet were not her greatest asset.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:10, closed)

Dammit!
I post one photoshopped picture...
(Which I assume you saw?)
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

yeah, some people are really odd
*prepares fresh cat with gaffer tape*
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

more disturbing
are his views on sarah fergusson and princess diana
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:12, closed)

reaches for mind bleach
There is a good reason why the good lord put the feet so far away from the eyes.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:13, closed)

Princess Diana?
WOULD.


but only because she's been dead for 11 years
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:16, closed)

And
you don't even need to use the self tapping penis.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:18, closed)

No...
It's like pushing a knitting needle through ham.

Old ham.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:19, closed)

Mmmmm
ham.....
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:20, closed)

Old ham
is both grey-ish green and hairy :(

I wish I noticed that last time I came home drunk...
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:20, closed)

Mmmm
Jambon
(Errorist, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:21, closed)

I currently require
to be entertained more, so that I can justify sitting here and doing no work.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:23, closed)

MM
I assume you saw this: www.b3ta.com/questions/kids/post146092 ?
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:25, closed)

I hadn't
but it's good to see what a culturally refined lot we are.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:29, closed)

Yeah...
But I shouldn't have spent non-work time on that last night, it's like betraying the underlying foundation of b3ta.
( Cawl, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:33, closed)

AMEN BROTHER!
(finishes)
...[ahem!]...
(Connor Lingus is running this monkey farm now, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 2:26, closed)