Dear K
It's been a long time. I bet you are suprised that I think of you still everyday, but I do. I come and visit you too, but not as often as I should perhaps.
I didn't do so good, K, and I owed it to you to try harder. But I messed up. Worse, I blamed you for it.
But I always knew the truth deep down, perhaps that is what i was running from all these past years. I know I should never have let you go. I should have been stronger. I know it was my fault. My responsibility to keep you and Dad safe, like I promised Mum i would.
Well, now you are all gone. I hope you are together. I'm alone here.
Many times I have felt like coming to join you, but i don't have the courage. They call it the cowards way out, but i'm not even brave enough for that, so what does that make me?
I don't suppose it will be too long one way or another. Either my liver or lungs will get me. I've smoked four ciggies just writing this far.
I think what I am trying to say is: I'm sorry K. I'm sorry i let you die. I'm sorry it wasn't me instead. I'm sorry I have led such a self-destructive life. I'm sorry i never had children because i would be too frightened of losing them.

I'm sorry that I let everyone I love down.

Your Little Sis.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 18:07, 15 replies)

If this isn't based on a movie or something then
Wow.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 18:46, closed)

Very real
I'm sorry to say. I don't even know why I posted it, typing it was enough.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 18:53, closed)

Then
Wow. I really don't know what else to say.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 19:04, closed)

Don't worry,
crap times aren't contagious. I mainly am a cheerful type, just some days are longer than others.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 19:15, closed)

I'm not worried.
It often amazes me how much we can put up with and still carry on with life.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:50, closed)

*echoes sentiment*

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 22:13, closed)

They loved you
and they wouldn't want to see you suffer. Bad things happen and sometimes we can't explain why. Try to forgive yourself, and don't give up. One way or another, it will get better. *Hugs*
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 22:17, closed)

It won't get better, sadly.
But thank you for the hugs. To put it all in context, as reading it back it all sounds a bit mad.
I'll try not to give you my whole life story, or i'll never sell my memoirs. But a couple of people have been in touch so easier to write an answer here than to each.
When I was 11, my mother died. Before she went, she made me promise to look after the 'boys'; Dad and K, my sibling senior by three years. I did as promised. Dad went a bit fuzzy after Mum went, so I washed, I cleaned, I did the bills. I signed Dad's signiture better than he could. Yes it was tough, but i'm not claiming it was tougher than anyone elses life. It's all relative.
Anyway, K decided some years later he wanted to celebrate his 18th birthday in Spain, on holiday with his mates.
I said no. They weren't a good crowd, and at 17 he had just started his first job and needed to be seen as a stable sensible fella.
I refused to release the funds.
We argued. I was 15 but going on 50 by then.
In the end I relented. And off he went. I even lent him my ghetto blaster, as we called them back then.
They got to Spain. They got the hire car. They hit a Mercedes head on so hard that the survivours lost the fillings out thier teeth.
And one didn't survive.
My big bruv. Dad woke me at 5 in the morning and told me. I was 15. and i'd killed him.
The rest of your life gets hard after that.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 23:43, closed)

If this was long enough ago
that they were called ghetto blasters, then I think it's time you stopped feeling guilty for something that wasn't your fault.
*hugs*
(berk, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:04, closed)

You Didn't Kill Him
let the guilt go. A million million factors led to your brother being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your decision was only one of them.

You're not responsible for what happened.

Let it go mate...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:28, closed)

i made a promise.
I failed to keep it. It hurts.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:38, closed)

Legless is right I'm afraid.
It was an accident. Noone blames you, noone punishes you but yourself. It seems a shame that instead of celebrating his life and all that he brought you before he was sadly taken, you've spent the time since then tearing yourself apart. I reckon he'd be quite upset by that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 7:21, closed)

You were 15
and despite you being responsible for so much, you were still a kid. And it wasn't your fault. You could have kept him home and he could have been hit by a bus the very next day. Sometimes when your number's up, it's up. *Even more hugs*
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:58, closed)

You cant..
...promise to keep someone alive, unless you lock them in a room forever, and even then they will have to go sometime.

Theres a Buddhist saying that goes: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

Im pretty sure you could interchange guilt for anger, its helped me get through some shitty experiences, hope it might be able to help you too...
(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Wed 10 Mar 2010, 17:01, closed)

hey lunch...
I'm a lurker here. I saw your message yesterday,and I didnt get a moment to reply. I just trolled through several pages of posts to find your message, so I could say this to you...

I can understand your guilt. I can understand your promise. I promised my parents I'd fill in some forms to get them out to OZ. I didn't have time. My old man had a car accident, and I blamed myself. If only I had filled the forms in some weeks earlier...

Fortunately, he survived, and he told me (when his brains stopped rattling around in his head, and he could think again) that I was a bloody idiot. Forms or not, it wasn't my fault. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

I was lucky. He got to tell me that it wasnt my bad. You weren't so lucky. I can tell you what, though.. if you hurt yourself, or screw up your own life through misdirected self loathing, it would be like pissing on his grave.

Your mum asked you to look after him. You did. Damn it, you did. Part of looking after any child is to let them go, and to let them grow, and to have their freedom. The freedom to make a mistake. The freedom to succeed, and, the freedom to make mistakes that sometimes you just can't recover from.

Unless you were drunk, and driving the mercedes this is just a terrible accident. Let it go. You can always remember them, but the last thing anyone would want is for you to torture yourself.

Imagine, if this situation was reversed... you went, you died... what would you want your brother to do? Slice his wrists, or get on with his life and make the best of it that he could.

Im just some random dude on the internet. You don't have to listen to me. I'm not even a b3tan (though, Im a prolific lurker)... but at least, consider it.


Hound (not feeling so evil today, but a bit teary).
(evil_hound last barked at the moon on, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:26, closed)