If music be the food of love...
Back in my student (and, come to think of it, school) days, I worked part time in a kitchen, doing general jobs. Nothing strenuous at first, washing dishes, prepping vegetables, that sort of thing. We had a chef who did most of the cooking, until one day when she walked out in a strop, and I got shunted into cooking duties. Which, considering I’d never cooked properly before, was a bit of a reputational risk for the bistro concerned. Not to worry, I took over for a couple of weeks, until a new chef could be employed, and all was fine and dandy. Nobody died, nobody took ill. I was proud of my achievements, and I still enjoy cooking to this day.

Anyway, a new chef was appointed, and as the Bistro was desperate they didn’t bother waiting for references to come through. He interviewed well, and seemed to have plenty of experience. I don’t know why, but there was something about him I just didn’t like. But, being the type of person who will get on with people that I have to work with (why make life difficult when you’re stuck in the same environment with someone for several hours), I got on with my job, and he got on with his. We engaged in polite conversation, chatting about music, films, drinking exploits etc. However, his exploits were always just a tad on the unbelievable side, of the 20 pints, 3 fights and six shags a night variety. There was a rabbit off somewhere, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Oh, and much as I wasn’t an expert, I didn’t rate his abilities as a chef at all – everything he cooked was bland and utterly devoid of texture or taste.

One day the conversation came round to festivals.

“Yeah, I went to the Reading festival last year”, I piped up. “Fantastic time, good bands, never drunk so much or been so knackered. Mind you, New Order were one of the headliners. Much as I like New Order, they were absolutely terrible. Sound was awful, Bernie Sumners can’t sing live, and they were just the most boring band in the world to watch live. Very disappointed”.

Chef shakes his head in disbelief, muttering something about how he loved New Order but would seriously reconsider going to see them live if given the chance.

A couple of weeks later, the conversation came back round to music and gigs in particular. I’m recounting various bands I’ve been to see, some well established (Depeche Mode, The Cure, Primitives), some less so (Danielle Dax, Mudhoney, Pop Will Eat Itself, Fugazi, Young Gods) and so on. (Fugazi actually stayed in my flat after the gig as I flat-shared with the bass player in one of their support acts – true fact!) Chef is equally recounting some of the bands he’s been to see.

And then he came out with it. The sentence that exposed him as a pathological liar: “I was really disappointed with New Order”, he offered, “I saw them last year. Couldn’t sing, sound was awful, and soooo boring to watch on stage. Wouldn’t go to see them again if you paid me”.

I couldn’t believe it. Not only had he confirmed himself to be a pathological liar*, but he was feeding me a tale that I had recounted to him a couple of weeks earlier and trying to pass it off as personal experience. Just how stupid was he?

A week later he was sacked. His references had come through. Turned out he had been to catering college, but had been chucked out for being way below standard and fired from every job he’d had since for being the catering equivalent of anal warts, i.e. a pain in the arse and unwelcome everywhere.

(Apologies for the tenuous link between title and content).

*Edit: I'd like to think that I'd painted such a detailed picture of how utterly shite New Order were that it made him believe he had actually been there. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that he was just a borderline fantasist, lying twunt.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:53, 6 replies)

A very good story
Rich and complex, with a smooth satisfying finish.
(jizzools, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 18:24, closed)

Yay
The Poppies !
(kitescreech still here, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 18:43, closed)

Thank you, thank you
And can I just add - the Poppies. Fucking awesome band.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 19:33, closed)

Here to sing.. by request... here we bring...
ENGLAND'S FINEST!!
( Monsieur Monster I heard Seriously talk the first time. in here., Fri 30 Nov 2007, 16:09, closed)

Poppies say...
Grrr.

Etc.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 30 Nov 2007, 16:14, closed)

you get a click
on the strength of the fugazi tale alone!

i've been a massive fan for years.
(man_d is being watched by experts on, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 23:27, closed)