Smell my cheese
Was trying to woo a lady at work that I rather fancied the pants off, and was in the 'flirting like a bastard but not with enough encouragement to actually go for it' stage. I was due to head off to the Dordogne for a week with an old uni mate to visit another former uni friend who was running a Eurocamp site out there. I'd mentioned my impending holibobs, and she informed me that she absolutely loved french brie and could I possibly get her some while she was over there.

Right, thinks I - a thoughtful (if slightly pungent) gift could seal the deal.

Of course, I spent the next week getting shitfaced on cheap red wine and totally forgot about the present - even visiting a bloody food festival in a local village and not manging to purchase some bloody brie. After I'd got home, I realised on my way into the office that I had totally bastard forgotten about it, and was about to head back into work without te one thing she'd asked me for. Not only that, I was pretty bloody skint as well. Titwank.

With a flash of inspiration, I dived into Asda and bought some smartprice super-bargainous brie all shrinkwrapped and whatnot. I also bought a sheet of brown paper and a roll of string. Unwrapped the brie and re-wrapped it in my more authentic paper and string presentation, then handed it over.

She was really touched I'd gone to the effort of bringing it back from my holiday for her, and promptly invited me round for dinner - with cheese and biscuits to follow. Yes, we did get together that night and it lasted a few years - often when telling people how we got together she would tell this story about me bringing her home a thoughtful present from a holiday and she invited me round to share it etc etc.

I know, I'm a bad man :-( A four-year relationship ultimately started with a bit of total bullshit. And no, she didn't notice that the brie was cheap asda shite. Ho hum.
(Bappage, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 11:56, 7 replies)

reminds me
I fancied 2 girls in the office.

One day I went out and bought an icecream for one of them, but when I got back, she wasn't there.

So I took it across the hallway and gave it to the other one. She was a bit suspcious, as she'd seen me coming out of the other girls office, and the ice cream was a bit melted.

'No, of course not. I bought it for you'.

That was 13 years ago, and I married no.2. Sometimes she asks me whether I really did buy it for her. *sigh* Of course I did . . .
(username failed moderation, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:05, closed)

*sends to Mrs UFM*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:54, closed)

Look, if I admit your cat
is a dog, will you hold fire for a few days?

Give me time to get my affairs in order and all that.
(username failed moderation, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 15:45, closed)

smartprice shag
extra click for alan partridge
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:39, closed)

Nice story...
...have a click!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:08, closed)

On a totally unrelated note
The title made me laugh my head off, as I remembered how distracting it is when you're in a bowling alley, about to bowl, and your friend bellows it right behind your ear.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 17:23, closed)

Wow...
...so you used cheese to procure sex?

(frantically scribbles note to self to try same)
(rampants, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 16:43, closed)