Years of drink and drug abuse have taken their toll on me really...
A blackout in Toxteth, Liverpool after a 3-day binge and finally coming round sitting on the ground cross-legged at Speke Airport, crying for some reason. Not the best area in Liverpool to disappear in, I was later told.

Cocaine-induced psychotic episodes galore. During one particular freak-out, I was convinced that 'they' were fucking about in my garden...Sitting in total silence in case 'they' heard me, i'd take a line, commando over to the closed blinds, take a peek outside to see if 'they' were there, then commando back over to the table for another line. Whilst my back was turned when I was over at the blinds, 'they' ran in and stole some coke from the table as well, obviously...

When 'they' managed to somehow get inside my house, I cut the electricity with a pair of pliers, ran from room to room trashing the house and smashing every mirror in the place, then sat at the front door in nothing but my boxer-shorts with a hammer in one hand, and a camping knife in the other. If 'they' were going to get me, I was going down fighting...

I've shat and pished the bed whilst drunk; been dragged to the emergency room by a concerned (and somewhat naive) family member after taking 'too many mushrooms' - then thinking that the soft-play in the waiting room was especially for me. Heroic doses of psilocybin + soft play area = epic, by the way; i've been arrested 'for my own safety' after taking far to much coke (again) and acting like an escaped mental patient in the middle of the street. 4-day coke binge + viagra + a night in the cells != a good night.

Oh yeah, and the time that I was convinced that there was someone hiding inside my sofa. My missus had a great time talking me round during that one. Picture me standing in the middle of the living room, waving a hammer around and shouting obscenities at the couch... We nearly ended up with a sofa in bits that night.

Thank fuck i'm clean and sober.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 10:43, 27 replies)

You
Are
A
Liar
Or
A
Dickhead
( WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:14, closed)

Both.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:16, closed)

If i'm not a liar...
...why would I be a dickhead then?
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:27, closed)

Let me guide you through it.
If this tale of yours is a lie, this makes you a liar.
If this tale of yours is true, it makes you a dickhead.

Let me know by reply if you can understand this bit and we'll move on to the next bit, otherwise I can try and simplify it for you.
( WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 12:20, closed)

Although rephrasing your original statement to try and make me look stupid shows a level of intellect I can only descibe as intimidating...
... you've completely ignored my actual question.

Why does the truth make me a dickhead?
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:24, closed)

Forgive me.
I've credited you with too much social awareness.
Let's go through some of the events you talk about and see how other people might feel about them.

1. Drug Abuse
As someone who is displeased by the effects of illegal drugs on society I tend to hold a dim view of people who take drugs, however, I am prepared to accept that many drug users have underlying issues that go some way to mitigating their illegal and antisocial activity. Whilst many people are able to take drugs and enjoy that experience without hurting anybody else directly, there is quite often a victim of the drug trade lower down the scale.

2. Cost to the community as a result of your drug abuse
Many people could see this as being particularly selfish, this is without considering the anxiety that your self-abuse might have caused to your loved ones and those that helped care for you.

3. Waving a hammer around to the extent that your partner had to talk you down.
Again, violent, selfish, illegal.

4. Boating about it on an internet messageboard
Realistically, if you can't see why this makes you a dickhead you are probably autistic.
( WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 17:26, closed)

I fail to see what any nautical mishaps, under the influence or not, might have to do with autism. Realistically, if you can't explain yourself more clearly, you must be a one-armed one-hooked scurvy-ridden pirate.

Also, I think it's about time we arrested all those carpenters for their hammer-waving antics, yeah?
(Legion, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 19:52, closed)

clean and sober lying on the internet to appear interesting
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:17, closed)

i'm clean and sober.
this is twaddle.
( WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:17, closed)

I liked the bit where you did the drugs.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:26, closed)

I liked the bit where I answered the QOTW.
cunt
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:28, closed)

Woah there, calm down.
I'm not your fucking sofa.
( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:38, closed)

Hahahaha
Genius
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:20, closed)

Is this one of those stories where you tell people that you're "not proud" and "it's not clever", but are really proud and smug the fact that you're a fucking phsyco who abuses his family?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:35, closed)

That's it.
You have worked me out exactly.

Despite the fact that most of this occurred in isolation.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:37, closed)

I would constitute waving a hammer around in a threatening manor as abusing your family, even if they're not the target of your abuse.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:38, closed)

But i'm not a lord...
...and it happened in a flat, *not* a manor. Certainly not a threatening manor.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:41, closed)

We both know what I meant, my spelling is irelivent to the point.
You still scared the shit out of your wife, and probably a lot other people in the past, by taking a load of drugs and acting in a threatening way.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:45, closed)

in a threatening way like a dickhead
( spesh., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 12:25, closed)

Haha, you massive fucking bellend.

( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:40, closed)

Sounds to me like you need to up the dosage

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 11:55, closed)

That's nothing.
I once had half a shandy and was nearly sick.

Why do you need to mention Toxteth? Is it so people can think 'fook! I bet 'e's fookin' 'aaaaaaaard la' eh?'
( spesh., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 12:23, closed)

Erm...
...if you'd read the story correctly, the implication was that ending up wandering the streets alone in a 'hard' area like Toxteth after a bender was not good for me precisely because I am not hard enough.

Thanks for joining in with the rest of the /talk dickheads and trying to make fun of me though. I appreciate the effort.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:45, closed)

Not sure why...
But it all seems to have gone Pete Tong for you here, doesn't it?

Pull up a pew, and tell me all about...

Your mother?
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 12:45, closed)

HIS mother actually.

She stuck her finger up my arse in 1985 and it scarred me for life, hence the drug addiction.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:26, closed)

I knew this qotw was going to be divisive...
And I hate the mob mentality. One critique and suddenly a hoard of sheep with sharp teeth bravely follow.

Ghoti, the truth is that there are things living in your sofa, as with mine. They're called ...Numberjacks - but don't worry they won't hurt you if you don't hurt them.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 17:31, closed)

Its like...
...I smashed up a bunch of furniture...

...but this time will be different...

*SMASH*

Also, are you on couchsurfers.org? If yes, let me know, so I don't sleep on your couch.

I'm just having a poke lad ;)
(lemonadegame, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 4:51, closed)