massive drugs...hmmmmmm
*****wavy lines*****

18 months ago this story took place, and what a torrid time it was too!!

I had backache, and a lump on my right bollock, and nothing eased the pain (the doctors were failing to diagnose me properly but that stories been done) i started with paracetamol, no change, codiene, nothing, Tramadol, nada, zilch zero nothing. Then came the eventual diagnosis....a rather nasty and aggressive dose of cancer....fucksocks!! Well it turned out the backache was caused by the spread of the cancer into my lymph nodes in my abdomen which in turn were pressing on my spine, causing said pain. Anyway, to combat the pain I was introduced to Morphine, both slow release 12hr tablets with oramorph liquid in between as top ups. Now one of the side effects of morphine in the quantities i was taking, apart from being totally spaced out and seeing things, was constipation.....proper didnt shit for 3 weeks constipation....and the more i didnt shit, the more my bowel grew, pressing further on the tumours, in turn pressing harder on my spine, increasing the pain and taking more morphine to combat it...ad infinitum....see a pattern emerging here??

Eventually the doctors listened to me and gave me an examination properly, fecal impaction with 2 possible outcomes.

1. Take a shit and feel better
2. Dont take a shit, burst my bowel, become badly infected and probably die

I decided that dropping the kids off at the pool was probably a good idea but i just couldnt go..at all....i was blocked solid....enter my friend the anal suppository! (inserted by a rather attractive nurse i must add). What followed stripped me of any semblance of dignity i may of been holding onto during the build up to chemo. Suppository inserted with instructions to hold on at least 5 minutes before visiting the hospital bathroom 30 yards down the hall (did i mention i hadnt checked where the toilet was beforehand, or whether it was free?). So i laid in my hospital bed and waited :-

one minute....a little light gurgling in my anal tract
two minutes....this gurgling is intense (nurse returns with small cardoard tray that sits inside the toilet for me to shit into so they can check what i have passed)
Three minutes....toes curling, chocolate starfish in spasm
Four minutes....gotta get to toilet....quick...fucking quick!!
Five minutes....race down hall in blind panic trying to find an empty room for a shit...luck is on my side as the second one is free, i hurl myself in throwing the cardboard thing in the pan ready as my arse dances the foxtrot and my guts spasm, finally i turn to seat myself but not quick enough.....VESUVIUS erupts out of my arse at mach 10 and three weeks worth of food sprays forth as i lower myself. the first blast sprays the toilet cistern, the wall and most of the back of my legs. the second convulsive expulsion makes it into the cardoard tray only to bounce back out and spray me up the back and cover what is left of the toilet room!
I sat there for what felt like 20 minutes endlessly shitting and gone past caring where it was going before ringing the bell and requesting some nurse assistance. The attractive nurse came back! the shame was written on my face (well the bits of my face that werent covered in liquid shit)....her face was covered in shock, shock and awe that one person could cause so much damage and degredation with just one shit!
I was helped into an adjacent cubicle and showered off for half an hour and in the meantime a cleaning crew were called (after "biohazard" tapes were put up stopping entry into the toilet).
The last thing i saw before sleep mercifully took me in its warm embrace was a team of 3 cleaners in chemical suits and face masks entering the toilet...poor fuckers.

Thankfully the cancer was treated well and i am now in remission. and thats my story of the horrors of morphine!!!

Length?? none whatsoever, it was all liquid!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 12:10, 12 replies)

I enjoyed reading that
I think......

Hope you're fully recovered now (from the pooing and the cancer)
( spesh., Sat 18 Sep 2010, 12:30, closed)

hmm sounds like one for the
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0811863395/?tag=googhydr-21&hvadid=6375714665&ref=pd_sl_6k1n2cdpwz_b
( Jamnog Sardines in her eyebrows, lobsters up and down, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 12:39, closed)

I think we have a winner.

( Zuowan, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 13:44, closed)

Excellent!
Got me proper laughing at your poo misfortune. . Hope you keep being well. And regular. :)
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 14:04, closed)

well...
Chemo made me regular as i didnt have a solid poop for probably 3 months.....but thankfully after all that was finished things have returned to normal!!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 14:08, closed)

Been there dude
I laugh with a knowing laugh =D
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 15:12, closed)

Glad to hear you are getting better
Valium has the same effect, which I'm sure I've posted before so I wont bore you.

My resulting log was the width of a tennis ball and solid like a rock.

Still wince thinking about it
(EvilMeister, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 16:22, closed)

Wiping away tears of laughter
Oh you poor thing. But why in the world didn't the prescribing doc also write for some bowel meds to keep you regular? That's standard practice here. What a jerk.

The more I hear about the NHS the more I wonder a civilized industrialized country can put up with it. Jesus, please don't let me get sick in England.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 20:05, closed)

I know this one.
The reason they don't prescribe bowel meds as standard to accompany drugs that bung you up is partly so that people aren't swallowing tablets they don't really need, and partly because of the way our prescription system works. We have a flat fee of £7.20 per item regardless of its 'real' cost, an item usually being one month's supply.

"Controlled" items have to be prescribed, you can't walk into tescos and buy some valium. But stuff like laxatives, ibuprofen, paracetamol, cough mixture and whatnot are available over the counter, usually for much less than the cost of a prescription.

So you'll get prescribed the prescription-only drugs, advised to drink plenty of water and eat high-fibre cereal, and told that IF you need them, you can buy over-the-counter laxatives as it's cheaper than getting them prescribed.
( Batsgirl, Sun 19 Sep 2010, 15:01, closed)

That's funny
because when I heard that America didn't have a national health service and effectively left poor people to die because they couldn't afford healthcare I wondered how it could claim to be civilised at all.
(jennymnemonic, Sun 19 Sep 2010, 16:07, closed)

Wishing you the best of luck for the future.
And thanks for a long hard laugh.
(Vinnie Strokes Got bummed on, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 23:37, closed)

You are Renton AICMFP.
Seriously, it's great to hear that you're doing so well now. That's a great story too!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 19 Sep 2010, 11:57, closed)