A graphic description
800 words, so in the reply.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 12:44, 4 replies)

Why I can't have kids
Back in the mid-90s when I was only 21, Mrs SLVA was expecting her third child and I was damned if there were going to be anymore. So I asked the doctor if I could be neutered. He said I was a bit young, but after I explained the number of kids, he agreed.
He came to my house, fondled my bollocks, I coughed, he said "Everything's fine, I'll make an appointment. Do you want local or be put under?"
"I said local" I'm man enough I thought.
So, a few days later I get the date. It was to be undertaken at the clinic. I turned up and waited to be called.

Here's where it gets graphic.

I went into the room, stripped off and lay on a couch. I had had to have a shave the night before, which took for ever even though I'm not particularly hairsute. The room was quite chilly which caused a bit of retraction, so the nurse got some hot flannels and applied them to the goolies to coax them back out. My cock lolled to one side. (When I say lolled, I don't mean it was laughing out loud.)
"It's got a mind of its own" she quipped.
Apparently, it must have because it was no longer 100% flaccid, maybe 85%. God knows how though, given what was about to happen and the fact that the nurse was no stunner. Probably the heat of the flannels. Then the doctor emerged.

"This may pinch a bit" he said and before I had time to react, it pinched a bit.
"Owwwww!" I whimpered. I thought it was the anaesthetic, it wasn't.
"It's a just a clamp to pull things taut. Now the anaesthetic."

I glanced down and saw that he seemed to be brandishing a harpoon. That wasn't a syringe, it looked like something I'd seen in a book of etchings of Victorian medical implements. This was going to hurt. The clamp still pinched.
"Sharp scratch". I gritted my teeth and braced myself. Nothing, well not much. It felt like he'd tugged on a hair. The application of the clamp hurt more. I relaxed then, and I couldn't feel much of anything.
"Making the first incision now." The first??? And I could well do without the running commentary thank you very much.
I didn't feel anything. But then something twinged in my lower abdomen. Then a light dull ache.

"Right, this is good, I can do both tubes at once." (will you shut the fuck up??)
Then he cut the pipes. I felt like I had been teabagging a vice, a bit like a lion tamer might put his head in a lion's mouth, only more foolhardy. Someone had tightened that vice and was squeezing my gonads quite hard.
My brain submitted the "You're going to swear" form and luckily, my dignity and decorum department managed to reduce the profanity and all I said was
"Ooooh, bollocks!" The nurse burst out laughing.
"Closing up" said the doc. A minute or so later he added "There, we're done"
The nurse got out some dressings and fashioned a pair of fishnet underpants for support. I got dressed, still aching as if I'd been hoofed in the clems. The couch was wet through with sweating so much.
"All done" said the nurse. She shoved a petri-dish under my nose. "There you are, that's what we took out. He removed a few millimetres of pipe, folded the ends back and stitched them. Oh. you can't walk home, is it far?"
"FFS woman, I don't need the details" I thought to myself. I honestly thought she was going to give them to me to take home.
"No, it's about 500 yards. I suppose I'll have to get a taxi then"

£1.30 that cost me. I got in, laid on the settee and Mrs SLVA waited on me all day as I lay there, the anaesthetic wearing off and someone applying that vice to my King Edwards once more. That night, I had to change the dressings and it appeared that during the procedure, the doctor had left a grapefruit in there by mistake.
A week later, I went to have the stitches removed and when we were back home, Mrs SLVA wanked me off into a pot and then I took it to the path. lab at the hospital. I'm so glad nobody mugged me on the way. ("Give us your money!". "I'm skint, but I have a pot of spunk if that's any good.") A week later, I did this again and everything came back negative. Hurrah.

I've probably made it sound worse than it actually was, but it was worth it. Condoms are fuck-awful, the pill can only be taken upto a certain age and having her tubes tied is a major operation in comparison. You can't beat riding bareback.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 12:44, closed)

Thanks for that.
I think I'll just settle for the seagulls wellies.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 12:51, closed)

Not that I wish you'd been mugged....
but I wish you'd been mugged. The look of puzzlement fading into stunned and sickened horror on the perpetrator's face would certainly be worth a few bruises - especially as they'd be yours, rather than mine...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 13:09, closed)

An old (86 yr) woman got mugged locally the other day,
on the seafront. The muggers got away with her small bag. She was walking the dog. You can guess what was in the bag? Yup. I'd like to have been a fly on the wall for that one. (That may not have been the best analogy to use).
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 16:32, closed)