How long can you be in a job before it’s ok to be a Peado?

Being a dull-as-shite family man, I have pictures of my loved ones dotted about my office to help lift my spirits when the weight of the world crushes my soul (i.e. between 9am & 5pm, Mon-Fri). Nothing unusual about that I know, but I also have a nifty little gadget thing on my phone, which rotates through my photo gallery every ten seconds or so and creates a different wallpaper with each picture. It’s grand.

(Before I continue, please note that I have only been in my new job for a month or so now, and my reputation as an utter fuck-knuckle has not yet had time to circulate around head office).

Just before Christmas I was thrust into quite an important meeting (with the accounts department and a couple of directors – oh yeah baby - it was about as exciting as it sounds) so whilst getting my shit together I thought nothing of having my phone next to my laptop as the mind-numbing preperations started. My mobile was therefore happily scrolling through my photo collection, when the lovely young admin girl in her 20’s (whom I’d only met a couple of times before), approached me to give me some invoices, and the pictures caught her eye.

At this point, fate decided to fart in my eiderdown (again), and at the moment she saw the photos on my phone it stopped showing the reel from last Halloween, and the reel from when we went to the Sea life centre…instead it started showing photos from last summer, when on one of the hotter days my two young sons were frolicking about in a paddling pool, wearing nought but tiny trunks. Now these photos are innocent enough, and when the young admin girl saw the gleeful smiles on their faces as they twatted about in the garden, she exclaimed: “Awwww, it’s lovely that you have photos of your kids on your phone like that”.

Now I don’t know what came over me, as it was not the time and definitely not the place…but I decided to fix her with a stony, serious glare and declare: ”Oh, I don’t have any children…” thus instantly making me look like a massive screaming peado who was unashamedly showing off pictures of young boys almost in the buff.

Her face dropped like a big stone...attached to a large, ripe hippopotamus. “But…..erm…but….” she stuttered, mindlessly pointing at my phone as the pictures scrolled on. I continued relentlessly: “Nah…I don’t know who those kids are…I just thought they……..looked nice…” and with this I started to smirk creepily and breathe a bit heavier.

The poor girl shuffled uncomfortably back to her side of the table, her gaze fixated on me as I grinned inanely back at her. As I continued to crank it up I considered to myself how funny this would be when the truth was revealed and I began to prepare for the moment when I could finally put her mind at ease.

Unfortunately, I got so wrapped up in my frankly pathetic and wholly inappropriate 'joke' that I totally forgot about the other, quite important people also in the room...the ones who had just given me a job, were party to this 'new development', and were now demonstrating by their sullen faces how they silently agreed with the flabbergasted young admin girl…who by the expression on her face seemed to quite rightly be of the opinion that I should by locked up, beaten with sticks, and chemically castrated.

By the time I realised what was going on I started to bumble and whimper through lines such as: ‘I was only joking…honest…’ but the damage had been done. At that point I merely looked like I was slow to realise their disgust and was desperately trying to overcompensate.

So in typical fashion, my feeble attempt to mess with somebody’s head backfired quite dramatically...and knowing my luck, could end up with me being stuck on the nonce register. What was that they said about first impressions?

Fucksocks.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 13 Jan 2012, 11:30, 16 replies)

Haaa haa hahaha haha haa ha ha ha haaaa!
You fanny.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 11:33, closed)

That's what being a B3tan does to you
...makes you forget that Nonce jokes aren't always appropriate.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 11:43, closed)

You know you've been on the internet too long when...
*click*

just for the title.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 11:50, closed)

I like the title too
but wasn't sure whether it was a subtle pun (pea) or just a mis-spelling.

ntl, another great story Mr. Flake. :)
( sanityclause is waiting until, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:20, closed)

You can't fool me!
There ain't no sanity clause!

Bet you've never heard that one before.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:22, closed)

You utter donkey.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:08, closed)

I had a screensaver on my computer at work
that did the same sort of thing. It just rotated any images in any directory that you chose, I had it set to 'my documents'.

Then someone sent me a load of filthy cartoons, jokes and pornographic demotivators, which I absent mindedly 'saved all', to my documents . . .

Yup.
(username failed moderation, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:14, closed)

Fucking 'ell
That made me cringe. Er.. Nicely done?
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:24, closed)

You're...
you're doing it on purpose, aren't you? The only way out of this is to print out a few recipes for "long pig" and leave them lying around; that way your colleagues will think you've been fattening the kids up for the barbecue rather than for the dungeon sling.
( .Yeti., Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:30, closed)

Nice one there Sir.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:38, closed)

Screw 'em...
...your colleagues, not the kids.

This is so lame. They either believe you are a peado or not. If the former then why don't they get the dibbles on you?

No. Of course not. They know you were mucking about. They just need to get their Sun-reading heads out of their arses.

You're wasted there. Go and get a good job with some freaks. Normal people are pathetic.
(kingnutter, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:55, closed)

That's very prophetic...

I am about to go to the pub for lunch so in an hour (give or take) I will quite literally be wasted here.

Btw...I'm still chuckling at 'dibbles'. I've never heard that expression before. Pffffft!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 13 Jan 2012, 12:57, closed)

Leave your phone on your desk just in case.
(kingnutter, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 13:17, closed)

Hahaha!
You do realise you're going to have to bring them into work for everyone to be sure.
( girlinthehole, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 18:16, closed)

That'd make him look like kidnapper as well...

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:12, closed)

Having seen the 'Aryan brotherhood/ Midwich cuckoos' that are your children
I can quite believe that your colleagues thought they couldn't be your kids - you are far too pug-ugly to have spawned even normalish-looking sprogs.

No offence.

I quite like the idea of you taking them into work and thereby making yourself look like a kidnapper though.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 18:14, closed)