the system
I didn’t bother learning to drive till I was 26. I had a Vauxhall Nova for the first year or so after I passed my test until it was pointed out to me that at my age I could probably get something with a bit more poke and not have to sell one of my kidneys to afford the insurance.

So I bought a bright red MK11 Toyota MR2, some say ‘girls car’ some say it’s 'a bit wanky' but as far as I was concerned it was great fun. Decent amount of power, rear wheel drive mid-engined two seater. Cool.

The insurance however was not as hassle free as I had hoped. I called a number of companies and was getting well pissed off after a while. One company took absolutely ages taking all manner of pedantic details only to drop my call after placing me on hold. A complete bloody waste of my time.

So I called them back.

“Hello RipOff BloodyRacket Insurance, Vapid Bint speaking how can I help you?”
“Yeah I’d like a quote please”
“Certainly can you tell me the make and model sir”
“Toyota MR2”
“Engine capacity sir”
“2 litre”
“Is that a two door sir?”
“Erm no, it’s got four”
“Sorry sir our system tells me that is a two door car sir”

(Why they bother asking you these questions when they already have the bloody details in ‘the system’ was one of the things that had been bugging me)

“No, it’s got four doors”
“And it’s definitely a Toyota MR2 sir? Are you sure it’s not a Celica”
“It’s an MR2 it’s got 4 doors. Anyway a Celica is a girl’s car”
“My husband drives a Celica sir”
“Is he a girl?”
“Sorry sir”
“Your husband – is he a girl?”
“Certainly not”
“Well he drives a girl’s car, anyway its definitely got four doors – my door, the other door, the boot door and the glove box door”

Silence…

“…erm we would regard that as a two door car sir”
“Fair enough, so do I get a discount for having less doors?”
“No, I doesn’t work that way. Have you made any modifications to the vehicle sir?”
“Yeah I put new mats in it”
“That’s not really a modification is it sir”
“Yes it is. The other ones were crap, they kept catching on my shoes”
“(sigh) have you made any modifications to the engine, exhaust, wheels or suspension sir?”
“Nope”
“Ok sir so...”
“Hang on, there’s that thing in the middle bit”
“The middle bit sir?”
“Yeah you know between the seats – next to the stick thing that’s not the gears”
“You mean the handbrake sir”
“Whatever”
“Can you describe the modification please sir”
“Well it’s got these lights on it”
“Yes sir…”
“And some dials”
“What’s it called sir?”
“It’s a flux capacitor”
“Can you spell that please?
“Sure – f l u x c a p a c i t o r”
“Sorry sir I’m not getting that on my system is it an in car entertainment device”
“Not really”
“What does it actually do sir?”
“It creates a temporary disruption in the space time continuum by exerting quantum effects on semi classical gravity thus subverting the chronological protection conjecture to permit non linear motion through time”
“Sorry”
“It’s a time machine”
CLICK…..
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 9:53, 11 replies)

Ha Ha!...

Top story sir - mucho clickage
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 9:57, closed)

fucking with people is one of my most favourite things evah
think there might be a few more peas coming this week
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:03, closed)

Thought it rang a bell...

If I dumped my 'no roasted peas' policy, I could probably dig up a few posts too...unfortuantely, it's usually me that's on the wrong side of the headfuck.

hey ho
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:07, closed)

Your stories are always worth a re read Pooflake.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 11:12, closed)

Isn't that simply being a PITA to someone who is just doing their job?
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:07, closed)

It's just a story, you know 'made up'

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:09, closed)

oh, ok.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:13, closed)

for what its worth
all the rubbish i post is based on stuff that has actually happened to me over the years, with the exception the dreadfully contrived puns such as this...

wafer thin

naturally i care not a jot if you believe my tales. i still remember the phone conversation well and also scenarios like the Blue Rinse Dragons, so not a molecule of fuck is given.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 11:55, closed)

Yeah. That happened outside your head.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:38, closed)

oh you fucker. i was just about to say that.
god i HATE YOU.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:57, closed)

I am wicked and I must be stopped.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 11:19, closed)